Baby's black balloon makes her fly

I almost fell into that hole in your life

And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow

'Cause you were the same as me

But on your knees

I wish I could've been there at the beginning. When it all started to fall apart, I wish I would've been there for you. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe your addictions to self-destruction and alcohol and lust wouldn't have grown this huge and taken over. But I wasn't there at the beginning, and by the time I did step into the picture it was already consuming you from the inside. I didn't see it for so long, but when I finally did I almost got sucked in myself trying to save you.

I guess part of me was worried you'd end up like me. I didn't want you to have to go through the things I had. All the pain and hurt and the little deaths that eat you up until there's nothing left of you but despair. I didn't want it to be you I saw in the ambulance, in the emergency room, in the IC, with the tubes hooked up and the doctors checking up on you and everyone whispering about you outside the room. I didn't want you to become "the suicide case," like I once was. I came so close, but I fought my way back. Maybe that was the difference. I never stopped fighting in the first place, and you gave up without a struggle at the beginning.

In the end, I think you were more comfortable with your torment that with my love.

A thousand other boys could never reach you

How could I have been the one?

I saw the world spin beneath you

And scatter like ice from the spoon

That was your womb

You were gorgeous and vibrant and alive and you had that quicksilver feeling to you that always had people trying to guess what you would do next, but they were never right. You moved fast, in life and love, and most of the time you left the people behind you choking on your smoke. You moved through men like they were dispensable, and I guess to you they were, because whenever you were done with one there was always another eager to take his place. But I like to think I was different. I like to think you think so, too.

I never fell for your traps. You tried to lure me in, but I saw the fragileness you tried to hide, and stayed away until one day came to me and we talked in the library. I saw the same pain I once had held resting in the back of your deep blue stare, and I made up my mind that I'd try to keep you from falling like I had. Little did I know you were already bracing for impact.

Coming down the world turned over

And angels fall without you there

And I go on as you get colder

Or are you someone's prayer?

After that first talk, like I said, you started going downhill. You went from thin to skinny to emaciated. Whatever it was you were using, it may have kept you going, but it was killing you, too. It was numbing you. I remember once I was trying to get your attention, and you looked right through me. I knew I wasn't there in your mind. And when I took your hand to try to shake you out of it your fingers were ice cold. It scared me so badly I almost cried, and I did once I'd dropped you off and made sure you were asleep. I sat in my car outside your house and let myself shed the tears. I think I said goodbye then, even though it was way before you finally left, I knew you were already gone.

You know the lies they always told you

And the love you never knew

What's the things they never showed you

That swallowed the light from the sun

Inside your room

One time you told me, late at night, that you didn't think you'd ever felt like you'd loved someone in your life. It surprised me, but not as much as it should have. I knew your home life was lacking, to say the least, and that you'd been trying to find love in one guy or another for a lot longer than I wished to know. Even your friends were temporary. A lot of them left you for either far greater or far worse futures. But you stayed and got left behind and used over and over. I don't doubt your world was a dark as mine once was.

Coming down the world turned over

And angels fall without you there

And I go on as you get colder

Always someone. . .

But I wanted to be there for you. I'll admit, I wanted to save you. Bring you back up to the light, the surface, show you that people care for you and love you and you can live up here. It was way too late, but I did my best. I listened to you and I took care of you and I cared for you above and beyond what anyone expected. I loved you.

And there's no time left for losing

When you stand they fall

Coming down the world turned over

And angels fall without you there

And I go on as you get colder

All because I'm

One time you said you never ever wanted to lose me. I assured you I'd never leave, no matter what, and I remember you laughed, and your smile was so amazing and real. I saw the woman you must have been once. You were brittle and cracked and breaking and probably dying already in secret. But I held onto you almost as hard as you clung to me, and I did my best to love you as much as I could before you went over the edge that I could never get you back from.

Coming down the years turned over

And angels fall without you there

And I'll go on now and lead you home and

All because I'm

All because I'm

And I'll become

What you became to me

The day I found you lying in the hall, I knew automatically you were gone. There was no blood, no vomit, no evidence of anything but a bad fall, but I knew without looking you were dead. It was too much, even with my help, to keep up the idea of living, and I tried so hard to give you a reason to live, but in the end you couldn't take it. You'd dealt with disappointment and disillusion and death so much it was all you knew, and what little light I shed on your life wasn't enough to revive you.

I miss you so much more than you'll ever know. I regret your death, too. Not because it proved me wrong, but because it proved you right. Your favorite thing to say when you were on one of your don't-stop-moving streaks was "Live fast and hard, die young and beautiful." You were always beautiful, but I'm sorry that you gave in to your twisted philosophy. They said it was heart failure caused by pills. I said it was heartbreak caused by your own stubborn refusal to admit you were wrong. You always did hate to be the loser. I just wish that for once you hadn't insisted on it.