I'll never forget Christina's gospel on hell

looking at me she said that she could already tell

about

the where's

and when

and all of the whys

but she could never know the meaning or

if my souls ganna fly,

and standing dead center

she could never hit the bulls eye

looking right at me she didn't even want to try

to know

all of my reasons

here

on paper

of all the seasons and the fact that I can never be her.

And this flesh

that crawls

it bites

and it falls

and all the demons living inside of me

don't tell me that you'll cry for me

pretending that you think you know everything there is to know about me

like my father

and all of the shit that he does

nail biting

always fighting

days in that house;

and that my mother

would want me in heaven-

Get up out of my mind

regain composer

this is no time to rewind

your words

I hear them loud

clear,

ever present danger is ganna stay in these ears.

And that girl

hiding behind the ugliness

that she wanted to see

following me

around

so I could fall down on my knees

and these

little lies that you think are building up on top of me

its my life

my times

and I've already driven away

can't you see.

So when I think of all those speeches

or the slap of those idiots preaching

I step back

take a laugh

cause I've never been sorry enough to cause a fuss

lift my hands up in the air and say that I see him;

lift my head up in the air cause you know I can feel him.

So I curse

and sleep with men

unmarried

you'll never see a ring on this finger baby

just so I could learn to linger

in the bedroom

turn down the sheets

crawl sweetly in

and let my situations pull the trigger

that would lead me

straight to the fact that I would die if I stay here-

I want to love a man

and please a man

but I'll never be his ho

because I love myself

and the fact underneath

is that

I'll live a thousand lives

with love at my side

I can feel it

and I don't need you to decide

if I should find hate

mingle

this isn't a riddle

that I stepped out of the dark

without your Jesus

and I can look at it all now.

Superficially

I saw all the little girls who threw up their food because

Mr. Hottie just might take another look at us

and Josh with his vodka

where the hells it ganna get him-

Wait I know

straight to Heaven

if he opens up that book

and with him goes

all the bullshit

and the people who hurt

other people all because they feel like dirt

themselves

out of touch

their to in demand

with the rest of us.

And this ain't jaded

its just the truth

you'll never get me believing

showing all of this proof

that he is the light,

the bright

fright, never contrite

and that he saves the living

but I'll never forget the faces

of the ones I loved

that he took from me

and the innocence

of childhood

senseless enough

to lead me down that road

to throw up my cowardice

because I had to make it home;

before I died

feeling my insides cry

and I told a lie

to keep

the truth locked out

put it away

it was to sinful, come what may

but I should go down and pry

say

thank you lord for letting me go through this

thank you god

because it makes me stronger

to hate myself

pulling more over to you but then

one

to

ten

the years passed me by

leaving one after another

and me alone on this roller coaster ride

fascinated

with the ways that these people are hating on

him

because he's a Jew

and her

because she loves someone who

isn't the same color

that she is

but color

should be no bother to you;

flesh rotes

the lot of us

its what's underneath

and If you don't believe me

close your eyes and I'll teach:

reach out

black touch

white touch

its still a hand

holding yours

underneath your blindness-

Open your eyes

to the cries

of everyone that your not listening to

and follow through

you wanna talk about Jesus' love

go down

and shake the hand of a homeless man without the glove

of pity or hate

and find the sightlessness

of seeing what really matters and try to relate.

This is a white girl talking to you

something new

to bring my rhyme out cause I'm ready to croon

and if you don't like it

well good for you-

and to those mourners

blacked robbed for the loss of me in that place

take away

the thorny rode

to your heaven

and smile at my sense of eleven-hour judgment

to say

I love that you believe

even if I must say

I do not agree.