AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, this is a sequel. To get the full effect of the play, please read Scientific Method, which is located ?storyid1860490. And now, on with the show…


By M.P. Solo

Enjoy, but don't copy

Cast of Characters

DEE, 19-year-old male. A tall, wiry humanoid. Speaks in an almost-robotic tone, and eyes never move independently from head (ie. he looks left, his whole head turns left).

HILTON, 40-year old male. A short, balding humanoid with large glasses. Kinda nerdy, mumbles when he talks.

TRUMP, 50-year old male. A loud, rotund humanoid in charge of the Dee and Hilton. Smart, but still a real blowhard.

BOI, 25-year old male. Clean-cut, perfectly-groomed human android, looks slightly synthetic (skin, hair, eyes).

GERL, 25-year-old female. Perky, perfectly-groomed human android. Like BOI, looks slightly synthetic.

The Setting

The office of TRUMP, midday. There is a desk on the left side of the stage, facing stage right, with an executive chair behind it and two wooden chairs in front of it. The office is modestly furnished, not drawing attention away from the characters but still indicating Trump's level of power. On the other side of the stage is a curtain, behind which TRUMP is keeping BOI and GERL.

Scene One

Lights come up on TRUMP and HILTON in TRUMP's office. TRUMP is sitting behind his desk, wearing a green, polyester business suit and smoking a cigar. HILTON is by the coffee machine, dressed in blue polyester pants, a white dress shirt and purple nylon jacket. As TRUMP starts talking HILTON brings two cups of coffee over to TRUMP's desk.

TRUMP: ...And so all I had to do is carry the three, and boom! The meaning of life.

HILTON: Fascinating, sir. (Hands TRUMP his coffee from opposite side of desk and sits down) I'm afraid I, uh, don't grasp what the ostrich has to do with it.

TRUMP: Exactly. That's why you're not in charge.

HILTON: I see, sir.

(DEE enters, wearing a black polyester jumpsuit)

TRUMP: Ah! Dee! Just the man I've been waiting to see!

DEE: Sarcastic enthusiasm is not required in my presence.

TRUMP: (Dismissively) Yeah, that's great. (Coughs and returns to normal, pointing ) Well, have a seat, son.

DEE: Thank you.

(DEE continues to stand, drawing blank stares from HILTON and TRUMP. TRUMP quickly shakes his head and continues.)

TRUMP: I'm going to put this to your straight, Dee: I read your report on the academic scenario your crew undertook. Now, it's all very good, but I had a couple issues.

DEE: Issues?

TRUMP: Well, yes. Not the technical bit of it, that was...(whistles) uh, that was informative. It's the heart of the thing, really. It left me a bit...oh, I dunno...

HILTON: Empty?

TRUMP: Shut up.

HILTON: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: It left me empty. I look at this report and I picture cold, irrational beings. Six billion of em. Can six billion people really be so...(snapping fingers) so...

HILTON: Recklessly incompetent?

TRUMP: Shut up.

HILTON: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: I can't picture six billion people being recklessly incompetent, Dee...I just can't. What I want is something more solid...something formulated from...what's the term...

HILTON: Deduction?

(TRUMP freezes and looks straight ahead, pondering HILTON's response)

TRUMP: (Nodding) Yeah, that'll do.

HILTON: Thank you, sir.

TRUMP: Shut up.

HILTON: Yes, sir.

DEE: Sir, I understand your reasoning for questioning my observations, but I believe attempting to conclude the capabilities of the human race as a whole based on deduction is impossible.

TRUMP: Really?

DEE: Yes.

TRUMP: I don't.

DEE: Then clarification is required.

TRUMP: (Confused, then defensive) Then clarifi...? Cinnamon Spamcakes, Dee, just because I don't spout endless sentences of big words doesn't mean I have to explain everything I do.

DEE: Were my observations inaccurate?


DEE: Then clarification is required.

TRUMP: (Angry) What the fu-

HILTON: (Cutting TRUMP off) Well, uh, the problem we've run into is that you, uh, only have one case, Dee. It's rather difficult to determine accuracy when there's, uh, nothing to compare it to.

TRUMP: Exactly! So, we've prepared another test.

DEE: Another?

HILTON: Well, uh, while you were gone, Dee, we made an effort to produce a test of human nature here, in our own labs.

DEE: I wasn't aware smuggling aliens had been legalized.

TRUMP: (Smiling) Not smuggled, Dee! Better than that!

(TRUMP snaps his fingers, and the curtains on the other half of the stage slide open to reveal GERL and BOI, both smiling and wearing blue jumpsuits while standing at attention. DEE stares at them a moment.)

DEE: Is this self-explanatory?

TRUMP: For the love of Shore...they're robots, Dee!

DEE: Robots?

HILTON: Artificial lifeforms we, uh, created based on observations of the, uh, human population.

TRUMP: (Ecstatic) Genuine human quality! Just like the real deal!

DEE: But they're robots.

TRUMP: Your point?

DEE: They cannot reason.

TRUMP: (Perturbed) And...?

(DEE stares at TRUMP and HILTON for a moment)

DEE: Genuine human quality?

TRUMP: (Enthusiastic again) Yes. You tell these two to do something, and they'll do it, just like a human!

HILTON: Well, almost...we've been, uh, experiencing a few glitches in the programming.

DEE: Such as?

HILTON: Well, Boi has a tendency to transfer some of his orders to Gerl: Wash dishes, clean the room, make dinner...

DEE: I see.

TRUMP: Ah, but that's what your here for, Dee! As an observer, we want you to help us determine just how accurate our friends here are.

HILTON: While, uh, observing other elements we've found in our research.

DEE: Do you believe there is reason to reconsider our standing on the human population?

TRUMP: Welllll...(Leans forward) It's ridiculous to pass up potential allies on the basis of one observation, Dee. (Laughs) Besides, if I disintegrate six billion people without solid evidence, how's that going to look on my evaluation?

HILTON: (Turning to TRUMP, surprised) Uh, disintegrate?

TRUMP: Shut up.

HILTON: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: So you see where I'm coming from, Dee.

DEE: (Nods) If it helps to solidify my observations, then I will assist in this experiment.

TRUMP: (Claps hands together) Excellent! Why don't we get things started then, shall we? (Spins towards BOI and GERL) Boi, Gerl, say hello.

BOI: Hola!

GERL: Guten Tag!

BOI: (To GERL, confused) ¿Qué? ¿Cuál era ése?

GERL: (Giggling) Ihre Wörter sind lustig!

(DEE stares at BOI and GERL for a moment, then looks back at TRUMP)

TRUMP: We're still working on communications.

DEE: I see.

(DEE walks towards BOI and GERL while TRUMP and HILTON get up and follow. Lights fade.)


(To be continued…)