To Kari: (How am I supposed to explain)

You ask me what it means

It means just what I said

You're scaring me > > > >

I see that look in your eyes

Stop it. Leave me alone

Don't add me to your worries > > > >

I'm not your problem

I never should've said anything

It's all my fault anyway > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

That every time I look at you

My heart races, chills run down my spine

And I remember why I'm scared of you > > > >

You know too much

I don't know how to handle this

You haven't even said anything

I'd almost feel better if you did > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

Why I do the things I do

So many questions go unanswered

I don't even know what to ask > > > >

What questions do you have for me?

Has any of this even affected you?

Or have I freaked myself out for nothing

I feel so confused, so alone > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

Just how much this cost me

What telling you has done to me

That I lay awake all night, shaking > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

This terror I feel inside

The torture this is putting me through

All these emotions spinning out of control > > > >

I tried to act like normal around you

You were working outside on the backdrop

Holding a blade to cut out some foam shapes > > > >

"It's dangerous to let Kari have one of those,"

I teased. You looked right at me, sparkling eyes

"Yeah, I'm not the one with a history of razors." > > > >

My soul burned in the cold, a fiery hatred

I walked over to Nikki, trying to breathe

I wanted to grab you so hard and scream > > > >

"Don't you ever say anything like that again!
I don't do it because I like it,

I do it because I have to!" > > > >

How could you say something like that?
Do you not see my broken, dying heart?

The one you just danced and trampled on? > > > >

I don't know what to do with you
I can't control anything at all

Nothing except… > > > >

Then I wonder what you'd do

If you found out, if you'd care

But it doesn't matter anyway > > > >

I want to ignore you but I can't

You hold a piece of my heart

Hoarding my secret on your tongue

And you're also my friend > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

My fears that you will tell

The dreams that will never become reality

This struggle that captures my soul > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

That I'd stop if I knew how

That I want to get help

But life doesn't have a pause button, or a start over > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

What's wrong when nothing's right

The nightmares that haunt my life

Have made me who I am > > > >

How am I supposed to explain

All these things that I want, need to tell you

The things I'm screaming for you to hear
When you won't listen to me > > > >