"From the Soul #9"
Everyone is capable, so don't say you aren't, don't whisper to me so lovingly that you will never hurt me, never hit me, never abuse me. Don't you see? Can't you understand? Everyone is capable, especially you with your Tempest eyes and pent-up rage, with your masks and all your shame.
Everyone is capable, and so the first time your fist flies up to kiss me on the lips, I'm not surprised, not hurt, only angry. Angry that even then, even as you shove me against the wall and wrap your hand around my neck, I love you, and that even then, I'll be with you. At the back of my mind I hear myself scream, scream at you and at me and at the unfairness, because at the back of my mind, I had believed you when you said you'd never hit me.
After that first time, after I had pushed you away and ran off, bloody and bruised and crying, you came over to my house and kissed my busted lip. You kissed me like you meant it, like you loved me, and your mouth tasted like tears and emotion. You cried in my arms then, clinging to me like a child clings to its mother, and I rocked you back and forth, kissing your hair. "It's okay, baby. It's okay. It'll be all right; don't cry, baby. Please don't cry. See? I'm doing good. I feel good. Besides, it was my fault, all my fault. Just please, please... please don't cry," I whispered, wishing this never happened, that you'd never hit me and I'd never ran, wishing that you weren't here now even as I prayed that you wouldn't go, 'cause I didn't want to be alone.
In the end, it seems as though I convinced you too much that I was to blame, because the next time you beat me, when I was on the floor clutching my abused body, you merely glared down at me, tears streaking down your beautiful, angry face, and told me: "If you'd just behave, Kitten, if you'd just behave..."
Everyone is capable, even you, especially you, always you. And so now here I am, waiting for the next time I do something wrong, loving you and hating you and knowing, absolutely knowing, that after so much pain, I'll learn to like it. Which is what you were aiming for in the first place, right?