Problems With I'm Sorry:
Alexandra looked out the window. It was a dark and cloudy night. She shivered, her thin jumper not really keeping her warm. She walked over to the side of her bed, where she bent down to pick up a scarf that had been thrown to the floor.
As she tied it around her neck, she thought back over the past couple of months. Things just hadn't seemed to turn out the way that she had expected them to. Her friends had changed. She couldn't really make the judgement on whether it was for the better or not. Sometimes she felt like she was getting lost in it all, but at other times, she knew inside herself that most people respected her. It was disheartening when some people would turn to her, feeling out of place themselves, and point out to her that she, in fact, belonged more than she thought she did.
Today had started off as a normal day. She had taken the bus to school, sitting by herself of course; no dramas. Then first period was maths. There was all this talk about someone's party. Alexandra had tried to just ignore the talk. Everything she was feeling at that moment wouldn't have helped anything at all, so she just shut up. But she just couldn't keep her mouth shut. All second period, she bitched about the party, how it was a stupid idea. Then, at recess, she somewhat exploded.
Alexandra turned to look in the mirror. She was of average height, nothing special to look at. Plain, even, if she was in particuarly bad mood. Wisps of stray dark black hair framed her face, having escaped from the loose ponytail she had just tied. She studied her reflection.
The person that she had seen herself become wasn't the person she wanted to be. Today, that Alexandra had been the girl that she usually would have avoided, the girl that she would hate. But that was who she was now. There was no going back.
She turned to look out the window, hearing a car pull up.
"Alexandra!" her mother called.
Alexandra turned away from the window, switched off the light and left the room, leaving it dark and empty.
"Be back by ten, please Alex." Her mother was a short woman, but with a stern, demanding demeanour. Her dark hair was showing signs of grey, the bun showing streaks of it.
Alex looked at her watch and sighed. It was already 9:00. "Of course mother," she said resignedly, knowing that there was no point in arguing for an extended curfew. It would only end in tears and tantrums, and most likely a grounding, and Alex wasn't about to risk her last night of freedom.
She stepped outside, through the door, giving a small wave to the driver of the car.
Her mother peered to look at the driver, but the windows were tinted so she couldn't see.
"Careful, honey!" she called.
Alex looked back, as she walked down the driveway, seeing her mother's worried face. She turned back to the car, as if she hadn't heard her mother. Opening the car door, she sighed. She got in and turned to face the driver, a young girl, with copper-y coloured hair, that reached down to her back.
"Hey, Courts," Alex said, placing her bag on the floor.
Courtney was probably the only person that even came close to Alex's definition of a best friend: someone who she could be herself around, who wouldn't judge her, who she could talk to knowing that they would understand. She wasn't asking for much, at least, she didn't think so. Courts understood her, understood everything that she was feeling, without her really having to say anything. Courts knew how she felt about the changes that had been happening at school.
As Alex propped her elbow up on the window and laid her head in it, she could feel her friend's eyes looking curiously at her.
"What?" she asked after a while, frustrated, turning to look at her.
Courts shrugged. "You ok? You just seem a bit down, that's all."
Alex sighed. "It's just... the whole thing at school, you know? I think it's getting to me. Everyone seems to be bitching about everyone behind their back and I dunno... I'm just... tired of having to pretend to everyone else that everything is ok, when it's not."
"Then don't pretend," Courts suggested. "People don't always expect you to be ok all the time."
"That's what you don't understand. It doesn't matter what you say about what other people think. What matters is what I feel, and I feel like people are always expecting so much of me , that they're expecting me to top everything all the time, when realistically, I'm really not the smartest person in our grade. I feel like people are always expecting me to be the one that holds everything together. Well, you know what? I've got news for you. I'm sick and tired of being expected to be something that I can't possibly be. I'm sick of pretending that I'm fine, when I'm not. I'm sick of everyone saying all this stuff about me, when I'm not that girl." Turning to see her friend's face, Alex realised that she had just taken out all her frustrations on the only person that she could really trust. Her face fell. "Courts, I'm sorry, I'm just..."
"Frustrated?" Courts asked her incredulously. "Frustrated? That's what you always say. But you know what Alex? You think that you have so many problems, but have you ever thought about asking me how I felt about anything?"
Alex thought over to their recent conversations, and was ashamed to realise that she had ranted and raved about everything, while not caring about anything at all that Courts had to say. "Courts, I'm..."
"You're what? Sorry? Well, Alex. Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. You're always sorry. But to you, sorry is just a word that makes everything ok. But things have changed. Sorry isn't the password to okay-ness anymore. It's the password for over." Courtney took a shaky breath. "Get out of my car, please."
It was then that Alex realised they hadn't even been driving anywhere.
Alex stepped out of the car, but not before turning back to her friend. "Courts, I'm sorry. This time I really am."
"I've heard enough Alex. You're always sorry. And I am too."
Alex watched as her "best friend" of almost 10 years pulled out of her driveway, driving out of her life.
Please R/R. It would be much appreciated. I wrote this when I was kind of... down. It'd be cool to see what you think.
on bended knee