There are seven deadly sins, and I contain four out of the seven: envy, sadness, anger, and lust. Those four were directed towards my brother... I envied my brother, for he was the stronger one. He had friends, was able to do sports, and got good grades, while I nearly failed at all of that. I always felt sadness because, well, I despised my life. It was hard to accept the fact that I was living for a reason of some sort. I was angry at myself for many things. The illness I got that weakened my immune system to the point where I couldn't do shit without something bad happening to my body and the time I realized that I felt something for something I shouldn't have. I was angry and sad at my brother because of lust. I was mad at him for making me fall for him. I was sad for him because he had someone like me actually love him in the way I do. And what made it ten times worse was I was his fucking brother.
It was from that point on that I realized I would burn in hell. There was no chance of me being accepted into a place where sins don't exist.
Oh well. I suppose it's something I shouldn't dwell over. Instead, I can just continue on with my hated life and hope that these feelings will pass, whether or not it's possible.
I slammed the cover of my journal closed as I heard the door of the front house open. Shit. Why did I just write that? Caden could easily find it and then all hell would break loose… not that it already didn't.
I opened up the cover quickly and pulled out the piece of paper, shredding it and throwing it into my garbage. Sometimes I can't believe what I tend to write in my journal. It just proves to me how fucked up I really am. And it's not just my illness.
I threw my thinning journal under the bed. I wrote stuff in it practically everyday, but always found myself tearing out the pages because they had something about Caden in there.
"Oh dear. I can't believe the make you play in weather like this. Now, go take a shower and wash up while I turn on the oven. We're having your favorite," I could hear my mother's voice just outside of my door. What I hated about my room was it was the only one on the first floor and I could hear everything that happened outside of it. It caused me to lose some sleep. My mom offered to switch my room with Caden's, but I declined because I didn't want to be more of a burden to him than I already was.
"Sure thing. Where are Eli and Brittany?" Caden's voice echoed.
"Brittany is out with her friends and probably won't be back tonight. At least she won't be until late. And Eli is—"
I got up from my bed and opened my door before my mom could finish her sentence and came face to face with a tall boy who was covered in mood. His white uniform, face, arms, legs, and every possible place that was visible was covered in splotches of wet dirt. "I'm… right here," I said, eyes widening at the sight. It wasn't very pretty, if you asked me. I'd prefer to actually see Caden's face than just a coat of mud. But maybe Caden's dirt problem was the only thing that would stop me from falling harder for him.
When he smiled at me, that whole "not pretty" statement became false. His smile always lit up his face, covered in mud or not. "Ah, there you are Eli. Come here and give me a hug." He opened up his arms, letting the ball fall from his left as his hands gestured for me to come closer. He glanced at my mom, nearly laughing at her expression. "I was kidding," he said, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I know you would have a cow if I hugged him in this mess."
She cleared her throat, shaking her head. "Damn right I would, now do as I say and go wash up." As he shrugged and began to make his way upstairs to the bathroom, she looked at me, "Would you like to help make dinner?"
I shook my head. Cooking was something I loved doing but was bad at it. "I still have to finish up homework." I pointed with my thumb towards my room. She nodded. "Well, if you need any help… I'm willing to do so."
I nodded and shut the door behind me. I found myself reaching for my journal again. I was already done with my homework. It was easy as hell… but I acted like it was hard for my mom's sake. I didn't want her to teach lessons that were even difficult for her to understand. She wasn't the brightest of them all.
I looked down at my journal, staring at a page with a butterfly doodled on it. I don't remember drawing that. In fact, I don't remember ever being that good.
And to be honest… I was beginning to be a little freaked out.
Because it meant someone was peeking through my journal. And they had to leave me a warning.
It made me wonder if Caden had seen it. But I wasn't sure if he could draw that good. And it pained me so to realize that there could've been a part of Caden that I didn't know.
I threw my journal in the garbage can, noticing my hands beginning to shake. Sure I said that I always threw away pages about my brother… but I still had some in there. And to think someone was actually snooping around in my room when I wasn't looking is unbelievable. I was practically always in my room. The only time I was out was when my mother was teaching me or when I was eating. It was possible that they could've been snooping around when I was doing just those two things, but when we were eating, we ate together, and when I was being taught by my mother, Brittany and Caden were already at school. Who could've possibly done it?
I hoped to god it wasn't Caden.
God probably wasn't listening, though. I had already sinned enough.
I got up, took a deep breath, and headed out the door. Dinner would be served soon and I didn't want to think about my journal anymore.
I came out at the right time for dinner. My mother was already setting plates of lasagna and lettuce with cherry tomatoes on the table. There were only three spots she was setting for. It meant that dad wasn't coming home tonight… he was probably working late.
My mother looked up at me as she heard my door open. She smiled brightly and whipped her hands on the towel hanging out of her pocket. I took a seat at the normal end of the table, looking at the food. My mother's cooking was fabulous and it smelt good too… but for some reason, I lost my appetite.
Caden came down only a minute later after I sat down. He was clean, and he smelt good. He wore only pants that sagged a bit so you could see the elastic part of his boxers. When I first saw him, I gawked at him, almost unable to keep my eyes off of him until he said something.
"Well, that was a nice shower." He looked at me, and I turned away, feeling a blush spread across my cheeks. Damn him for showing his torso. It was turning me on. He ruffled my hair as he passed me. I attempted to swat his hand away but failed. "So, Eli, how was your day?"
"Fine… same old same old," I mumbled, poking at my food with the fork. I cleared my throat before asking him how his day went. His experiences were always interesting.
Caden's eyebrow cocked upwards as a concerned look overcame his face. "I see. Well, today, I got another goal and won us a game against Adents High. And then this girl asked me out--"
"May I be excused? My stomach isn't feeling all that fantastic right now," I blurted out, not wanting to hear anymore about this girl.
"No wonder you weren't eating. You usually love Lasagna," Caden mumbled, taking a huge bite out of his salad.
"Yes. Go ahead. I'll come in later to check up on you," my mother said in her most concerned voice.
I nodded and walked to my bedroom, feeling stupid for my sudden outburst.
"Jeez. What's the matter with him?" I could hear Caden say to my mother.
I slammed the door of my bedroom behind me and threw myself on my bed. It was tired now… even though it was only seven o' clock. I sighed, grabbing a book from my bookcase that was right next to my bed and began to read. I didn't want to think about Caden right now. To think he loved someone else other than I hurt enough. Even though I knew it was the most logical thing.
After all, God hated me because I defied him. I was basically every sin that existed in the book. That's probably why I have this disease. That's probably why my life feels pointless.
Caden and I were outside, passing the soccer ball around. This was a rare occasion, considering our mother never let me out of the house because she was too precautious of my illness.
He stopped it under his foot as he sighed. "You're a little sluggish today. Something wrong?"
Yes. You're fucking gorgeous and I just want to hold you. Why the hell do you have to be so god damn oblivious? I shook my head. "Nah. I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little tired. That's all."
"Maybe we should go in then. I mean, I have homework I need to finish so it won't be that big of a deal to me."
I shook my head again. Why the hell do you always want to do something else than spend time with me? I'm the one that had to ask you to pass the ball outside. "If you really want to…" I sighed, feeling my insides turn. It was always like this. We'd do something together for five minutes and he'd want to do something else.
"It doesn't matter to me. But it's fucking hot out here and I'm sweating like a pig and soon enough I'll start to smell." He reached down and picked up the ball and started walking towards the door. "Come on. We should find something to do in the house. It's much cooler in there."
"But… you have homework?"
"Nah. It's only a Saturday. I was just finding an excuse to get our asses inside. I need air conditioning." He opened the slide door. "Want to play a game or something?"
"Sure." And now he wanted to hang out with me? What in God's name was going on?
Caden allowed me inside first and then shut the door behind him. "Lets go up to my room and find something to do in there."
When he said that, a wrong image popped up in my mind. I erased it quickly. If I didn't, I knew something bad could happen with my hormones. I coughed, scratching the back of my head as I nodded and began to head upstairs. I walked in his room, the smell calming my nerves. His room always smelt good. He was big into candles and such.
He had the same size room as me except his taste was a bit darker. His wall was a shade of dark blue, the covers on his bed the same color. About twenty posters of his favorite bands and movies were plastered all over the place, including his ceiling. Strangely enough, the floor was clean, but his bed seemed to be quite a mess.
I sat on the bed, my hands feeling the fabric. I had bad image in my mind and shook my head violently. I can't think about that stuff right now.
Caden came in not too long after. He shut the door behind him slowly, staring at me.
"Um… Eli. I didn't tell you to come up here to play. I have something I have to tell you…"
I could feel my heart beating. What was he getting at?
"I uh… read your journal."
I jumped up from the bed, eyes widening as soon as I heard that. So he can draw butterflies. Damn. There was something I didn't know about him. I averted my gaze from him, embarrassed. What was his impression on it? Did he get the wrong one? Does he know?
I could already feel a spazzing mode come on. My breathing got heavy and I put my hands on my head.
"Did you read everything!?" I shouted through clenched teeth.
"Well… um… yes… And I get the feeling you… have… feelings for me that are… unacceptable. Are they true?" He cleared his throat. His face was beginning to turn a light shade of red.
"Shit." Here come the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of my brother but I couldn't stop them. "I… I don't know."
He walked over to me, arms now placed around me as I grew stiffer. Was he just toying with me?
"It's… okay…. I think I feel the same way as you do to me." He said.
I opened my mouth to protest, when I felt something touch my lips. He was kissing me. He was kissing me! My immediate reaction was to push him away. It was all moving to fast. I couldn't comprehend.
"What are you doing!?" I asked, falling onto my knees. What was he doing? I shouldn't have asked that. The question was what was I doing? Shouldn't I want this?
"Fuck! Eli, I'm sorry. I moved too fast. I don't even – fuck!" His voice sounded frustrated now.
I took a deep breath, my fingers beginning to twirl in my hair. He turned around, beginning to leave the room. When I saw this, I jumped up and grabbed his wrist. He looked back at me and I kissed him.
The kiss felt like forever. And when it finally broke, he began to push me back into the bed. "This is complicated," he mumbled, our faces only centimeters away. "First you push me away and now you… want it?"
"I don't understand what's going on either." Which was the truth. This all happened to fast. It had to be a god damn dream.
He leaned in closer to me and kissed me again. I fell back on the bed, his knee finding its way to put little pressure on my growing groin. God… this was just too good.
"Hey, Eli, you alright?" a voice whispered through my door. "I heard you say my name. Did you have a nightmare?"
Shit. I opened my eyes, feeling a bit wet and sticky underneath my sheets. I cursed myself, realizing that I had had another wet dream. For the second time that week. It always started with Caden admitting his feelings and then…
Jesus. This wasn't good. I probably moaned out Caden's name and now he thinks I need some sort of help. What was he doing downstairs anyway? Unless if I said it really loud…
A/N: There will be hawt gay sex. oO; Just not in this chapter. Because I must torture longer. And anyway… I want you to review. I've finally released this story and I'm happy about it. But I'm also no happy about it. I think this first chapter sucks. But don't worry, it'll get better. I promise. It's just the first chapter… and I wasn't exactly planning to spill all the little secrets.
Next chapter will be in Caden's P.O.V. I plan for him to find out something that'll probably traumatize him. I bet you think you know what it is. But it's something else. :D I still have evil characters that haven't been introduced yet. Yay. Stay tuned till next week… or tomorrow. Depends how motivated I am.