I love the feeling of your lips pressed hard against mine. Your lips roam down my neck leaving a trail of kisses. I don't stop you when you slip your hand under my shirt. I don't move your hand away like every other time. This time I want it. I lean against a wall. You move your hands up my arms and pin my wrists against the wall. I don't know how you make me feel so good. You make me want so much more. I push my body against yours. Begging for you to touch me. You deepen your kisses as an respons. And pull my body even closer. This is all I've waned for so long. to feel your body against mine. Your guide me away fromt the wall and over towards the bed. Slowly you take off my shirt, and gently push me on the bed. I pull you down on top of me, not worried of being hurt. You rain kisses over my body. I tremble under your gental touch. I want you now more than ever. I tug on your shirt. And you take it off. You move your mouth by my ear and whisper, "I love you." Your tounge moves down my neck, then back up to my mouth. Your hand moves down my side, and over my old scars. My body stiffens, embarrased by the scars. You move your head and look into my eyes.
"Why?" you ask me.
I close my eyes and turn my head. I don't know how to explain it. Why do I do it? I can't possibley explain my feelings, or about my dad. He wouldn't understand. Should I make something up?
"I don't know." I say. Barley loud enough to hear.
You move off of me and to the edge of the bed. I sit up and wrap a blanket around myself. Only just now noticing how cold it is. Your eyes move from your hands, and look at me.
"Was it something I did?" You ask softly.
I let a single tear run down my cheek, I move to the edge of the bed, next to you and take your hand.
"No. YOu've never hurt me. You've only made me better."
You pull your hand away from me. And look me with eyes so confused, hurt, and angry. You prop you elbows on your knees and put you head in your hands. He's mad. I didn't want to lie to him. but I couldn't just tell him that I need to cut myself. That I like it. I didn;t want to stop. I couldn't, I cant'.
" You told me you stopped. You promised you wouldn't do it anymore. Not all of those cuts are old. Why didn't you stop?"
"I'm sorry. I couldn't."
I got off the bed and put on my shirt. I had to leave. I can't handle him being mad at me like everyone else.
"Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you."
"I didn't want help. I didn't want to stop."
I put on my shoes and start to tie them. I look up to see him staring at me.
"Please stop, Tris. for me." He begged me. "Please."
"I'll try." I lied.
It hurt so much to lie to him. But I had to. I always have to lie. I can't tell him about my dad. Or that I needed to cut myself. He wouldn't understand it. You get to your feet and walk over to me as I stand up from tieing my shoes.
"Your lieing again. I can tell. Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you let me help you?"
As I look at you I know what I have to do. I can't let you know. I'll do the same thing I always do when I get to close to someone. I'll push you away. But It hurts more this time. But I have to do it.
"Do you reallythink you can help me?" I shout at him." I don't need you!"
It was another lie. I do need him. He's what keeps me together. It hurts to see the pain in his eyes. To know that i'm the one who's hurting him.
"But I need you." He shouts back. " I love you!"
Why can't he just hate me? I can't take this. I don't love him. I can't.
"No you don't. You can't" I yell.
"But I can. And I do."
Why won't he just give up? I don't want this. I don't love him. Am I lieing to myself? Do I love him? No. I don't.
"Just stop it. Leave me alone."
I turn around and wak our of his room and into the hallway. I take the starirs to at a time. As I pass his parents they look confused. When I reacht the front door I hear you call for me to wait and your footsteps running down the stairs. I run dwon the sidewak until I'm around the corner and can't see your house. Slowly I walk along the sidewalk. The nights so dark, with only the moon for light. It hurts to know how much I hurt you. I sit on a bench and pull my knees up under my chin and wrap my arms around my legs. I'll just stay here a while, I have no where else to go. Not home, not yet. Does he hate me? Why can't I just tell him about everything? About my dad. Why can't I just forget about him. I've done it before. Just forget about him. I can't. Why? I can't take this. I need the pain to go away. I reachi nto my pocket and pull out a razor. For a few minutes I just look at it. Am I really going to cut myself again? He doesn't want me to though. What do I care wether he wants me to or not? I don't care. I don't. I put the razor against my skin. I pause for a second. I don't want to cut myslef. I don't need to. What I want and need is him.
A/N Please, please, please, review. I know it's short. It's just the first chapter. The others will be by far longer. Promise.