1) I mean I knew there'd be sacrifices-

Virgins mostly. But not a mid life crisis.

It was pretty lonely as Dracula's wife

Especially as dinner guests never come twice

2) But while Frankenstein's wife got a biopic

My fledgling career remained microscopic

And with those highlights! Makes you wonder…

My teenage dreams got torn asunder

3) Alone in the castle while he's out skulking

My artful pout soured into sulking

I wanted glamour but to no avail

Then his dark prince allure started to fail

4) We lived on takeout and watched bad TV

Ate teenagers who made the home delivery,

Poor blood cholesterol and getting too fat

He couldn't compete with the vampire Lestat

5) No more Hammer Horror, took up DIY

Llewellyn Bowen surely should die.

Switched our gothic chic to open plan

Painted the moat in eggshell and tan

6) Remodelled the crypt so it could resell

Daytime TV should burn in hell.

When his funeral suits were getting too tight

He brought a fast car and drove it all night.

7) He thought we should travel- not Venice or Prague

But get nice caravan and see the Algarve…

But I still need glamour, so he's quite alone

And whatever he says, a hearse is not a home.

8) Sleeping in separate coffins at night

It needs a blood sucking fiend to put this to rights

I know what I need, I'll have no remorse

So I'll get a good lawyer and file for divorce