-May 25th, 2004-

A tad disappointed

A little angry

Avril Lavigne CD came out

Mom wasn't feeling well.

Couldn't go get it.

Been waiting and counting down for months now.

Told Alexis about it.

Upset a little.

Tomorrow, then.

-May 27th, 2004-

Even more put down.

It's been two days

Upset.

Came out a while ago.

She'll be better soon.

Prolly just something she ate.

Not fair.

Not fair.

I'm just asking for 5 minutes to get the CD.

-May 29th, 2004-

I don't think I can go another DAY of this torture.

Been waiting for SO LONG...almost a week...and need the CD.

Don't care...just want to go get it now.

Or now.

Or now.

Or now...

-May 31st, 2004-

Okay, crying.

Depressed

Want that CD.

All I've been looking forward to for forEVER.

She had to get sick the day it came out.

BUMMER.

Crying.

-June 1st, 2004-

Got the CD yesterday.

Happy.

I'm good.

Love Avril music.

Listened to it a lot yesterday.

I'm set for the summer.

-June 2nd, 2004-

She's been sick for a while now...

It's Wednesday.

She was sick on Tuesday last week.

A little worried.

Maybe just a little.

-June 3rd, 2004-

Well, school's almost out.

Maybe she's stressed from subbing...

-June 11th, 2004-

Painted a picture today while listening to CD.

Graduated from middle school.

A little depressed.

Missing Tyler, Em, Justin...everyone.

Going to Deep Run.

Bummer.

Wanted to go to Godwin.

Named picture "Artemis."

-June 12, 2004-

Painted again today.

"Belle."

On beach.

Big eyes.

-June 25th, 2004-

I'm sick of being in the house!

I love painting (painted "Lucy" today) but I hate being inside.

None of my friends have called.

Haven't done anything yet.

Just inside.

Mommy's still sick.

It's been 1 month.

-June 26th, 2004-

Painted "Molly."

Irish girl.

Put my paintings on the wall.

Make me happy in a time of depression.

Getting antsy.

This is supposed to be a SUMMER vacation.

Is anyone thinking of US?

As in Me, Rachael, and Alexa??

No!!

Still she's sick.

-June 29th, 2004-

I cleaned the kitchen yesterday.

It was nasty.

There were rotting old moldy milk and yogurt cups.

It smelled and it was nasty.

I'm never doing that again.

-July 4th, 2004-

She's still sick.

Crappiest holiday ever.

We stayed in and I painted a 4th of July girl in a cool outfit.

She's pretty.

Mommy was in her room.

At night, we went out for sparklers.

It was not fun.

Not a holiday.

She's still sick.

-July 5th, 2004-

I've painted 7 by now.

I'm upset.

I'm depressed.

I'm locked in my house, pale, listening to Avril Lavigne.

We were supposed to go to the beach this week.

She's still sick.

-July 6th, 2004-

I could be getting a tan right now.

Instead, we are going to Pennsylvania in the car.

I'm so bummed.

I don't have a CD player.

I'm sleeping.

Now.

-July 8th, 2004-

We can't stay at Granddad's.

So we're staying at Katie's now.

I painted Mallory.

Liz and I have fun reading her books.

I like Bethlehem.

-July 20, 2004-

I'm majorly depressed.

We went to sleep at Grandmom's place.

Tonight.

The Connors girls.

Liz came, too.

We watched The Ring.

We didn't finish it, though.

Guess why?

Liz had a panic attack.

The oldest favorite.

And now I'm upstairs sitting on an air mattress waiting for Liz.

Cuz she never came up.

And I can hear her talking with Grandmom outside on the porch.

And I can tell that I'm the second-oldest grandchild.

And I can tell that...even though I'm most like Grandmom...

I can tell that she prefers Liz.

I don't know if she wanted more to be like Liz or what.

I don't know.

But it's making me feel depressed and unwanted.

I went in to tell my mom, but all I could do is whimper.

And she wouldn't wake up.

And even if she did...would she care?

She's sick.

No.

-July 21st, 2004-

Mommy and Grandmom got in a big fight.

So now, I don't know if we'll go to the Moravian Bookshop.

The Moravian Bookshop is my favorite store ever.

It has a café and books and little accessories...

It's in historic Bethlehem.

So now, I don't know if we'll go.

I'm upset at being the second-oldest and a lot bitter.

I don't know what to think.

My mom is sick.

Our Oreos taste like BANANAS.

My clothes are old, not fitting, and worn out.

Plus preppy and ugly.

Not fashionable.

I'm not allowed to go to the mall with Liz.

No cash.

I feel unwanted and uncared for.

I feel solitary in a bad way.

And I feel like my own best cousin can't stand me now.

By the way, we finished The Ring this morning laughing.

-July 24th, 2004-

We did end up going to the Bookshop.

Thanks Aunt Katie and Aunt Kay for talking sense into Mommy.

Do what's best for us kids.

We're worn and tired and we're not sick...but sick of this.

Rachael's having breakdowns and so am I from crying.

Even Liz is insecure from home issues.

But I'm very insecure because it feels like I've got no parent here for me.

Well, we went to the bookshop, and we got some books...with Liz and Tara.

I'm going to have to get used to being the second-best everything.

I'm unwanted.

But we got ice cream and I got Italian Ice or something.

Since over spring break, I had so much ice cream.

And then I got all sick.

But then today, while Mommy was gardening, Daddy came.

He was in Mississippi on a business trip.

I was glad to see him after so long.

An actual parent.

But Rachael was the wanted one there.

Mommy actually cleaned Katie's house and helped with Billy and Kevin.

I think she was useful...

But not a parent.

I've never felt this alone before.

This is what it'd be like to be truly alone without a mom.

Without a parent...

I'm still upset.

She's not fully better.

-July 26th, 2004-

We went home and I had pre-band camp today.

I'm in the pit...percussion.

This is totally new to me.

I've never done something this new.

But we got our music for the Opener.

Pirates of the Caribbean.

I'm mainly on chimes.

I can't play the keys instruments well.

The instructor is Karl...

Then there's Emily and Peyton and Allison who are the section leaders.

Ethan and Kurt the other freshmen are there...

And there's another girl my age, Mallory.

I'm intimidated because I'm the worst there.

But it's a way out of the house.

A/N: I could go on with this story forever...or at least up until today...but I'll leave off here, unless anyone wants to hear my tales of band camp. I'll probably put that up eventually. It's just...this is non-fiction and a partial explanation of how I became emo over the summer and then became a band geek. I'll write an update.

For now, I'm fine...I cried as I recounted...my mom's fine...and it's been a year since the whole mess began. I've been looking to write this for a while, but it was such a painful experience...many of you think this is nothing, but believe me when I say that I didn't exaggerate my feelings enough. I was cooped up, angry, sad, and afraid, all mashed into one. What little joy I got out of my time (before band camp) was out of painting. I took out my anger there. And in listening to and singing Avril Lavigne music.

Liz is fine...her panic attack wasn't bad...she and I laugh about The Ring to this day. My Grandmom actually loved my paintings and got and framed my one drawing of an Irish girl...Molly. The person framing it asked who did it, and she was like, "My granddaughter." The framer said I had an original, interesting style. :-D I'm worth it to have as a granddaughter!

Band is my favorite thing...and marching season is starting again very, very soon. I'll update later with my band camp stories from last year...another tender moment...I probably won't cry...Then again, that's what I thought about this piece, too!