Hello, everyone, to the ramblings of a sugar-sated seventeen year old. I am here to answer that age old question - how do I get reviews? This is often accompanied by screams of PLEASE! PLEEEAAASE! HOW?????????

Or thereabouts.

This is your answer.

(Admittedly, this was written to amuse me, so please don't take it seriously. Or think I take myself seriously. Just laugh. And for all the plots I make fun of and the stories I point out - I love. I write. I enjoy.)

Ahem. Clears throat And so, without further ado . . .

How to Get Reviews

1. Write a romance novel.

Seriously. Who do you think overwhelms this site? Teen girls. At a guess, 13-22 years olds. Yeah, there are others, I don't mean to exclude you, but honestly? We're the majority. And plainly, we want to read about romance. If you're like me, it's because you HAVE no romance and so must live vicariously through fictional characters. This way, you get all the kissing, romancing, and bickering without having to leave your computer screen! All for the low, low price of internet service.

2. Have an average heroine.

I don't want to read about a supernaturally gorgeous girl. That means no Mary-Sues. Ever. I'm not gorgeous, so I don't want to read about some Barbie with long, blond hair that all the guys lust after. And please, don't describe her hair and her body multiple times. Once is plenty, thank you. I have a memory.

(That only applies to contemporary works. If it is a fantasy novel, the heroine is allowed to be beautiful. That is because it's not as big a deal in fantasy novels, and there are usually less panting men.)

And she shouldn't be ugly, because I (The Average Reader, ooh, TAR, something to copyright) don't want to read about someone ugly. I want her to be normal. Like me, thanks. And smarts normal too. She is pretty, perhaps even beautiful when wearing the right dress and a touch of make-up. But not too beautiful. That is VERY IMPORTANT to note.

Make her spunky and sarcastic and interesting. Give her a personally, not just one word lines as she admires herself in the mirror so the author can describe her appearance. Make her stubborn. And a middle or low end class helps too.

3. Have a hot hero.

Or, not a hero precisely. A love interest. With character. The hot part is because TAR is shallow - admit it. You want to read about a guy you can lust over. Double standard? Um, yes - I mean no - I mean, what are you talking about? Who cares? Have fun. Gimme someone sexy.

The hero in a snapshot:

Rich

Arrogant

Hot

Great . . . I ran out. Kidding, there's more. He laughs a lot. Often at the heroine. He's actually sorta a prat.

4. Their relationship.

Haven't you figured it out all ready? It's love/hate. They bicker. They scream. They kiss. Repeat. And it's so much fun! Honest to god, I love these stories. So, apparently, does everyone else, considering their amount of reviews.

So how do they meet? Well, they could be life-long nemesis. Otherwise, they meet. They have a snappy argument that draws the reader in. Their eyes blaze. Their retorts snap. Yay! The story has started.

They run into each other later on and have another bicker. Somehow, they are probably stuck together. (Duh. Why else would two people that hate each other spend so much time together? I mean, I wouldn't. . . . well, ok, but he'd have to be REALLY hot. . .

They're getting used to each other, with all this bickering. Look - there goes a civil conversation! And suddenly they realize they're jealous of other boys/girls their love interest sees. And then - bamp! They're in love.

Five chapters pass before they admit it. Cue angsty part of the story.

5. Have an interesting, well written storyline

Basically, if you're a wonderful writer, you can make anything sound interesting. For the rest of us mere mortals, we have to have a good plot. It doesn't have to be original, and it doesn't have to be complicated - all you really need are a girl, a guy, and the happy cycle of love and hate.

Take a few examples - I pulled up the most reviewed stories I could find. This is probably illegal to mention them here - I'm sorry! I love them! I'm using them so people can learn, see? Copying's the best form of flattery . . .

'Kay, now that my groveling's done. . .

False Facades by Maeven Reviews: 3506

Plot: Girl disguises as boy at an all boy's school to escape evil uncle. Falls in love with roommate, who comes from a tres rich family and is very cute. And thinks she's a guy for a long while. Laugh out loud funny.

And Then She Met the President's Son by Tessandra Reviews: 2905

Girl meets the President's son, who has run away from home and plans to leave the country. He's an arrogant, gorgeous jerk. She comes from a falling apart family. Fall in love. Sarcastic funny.

Queen of Glass by S.J.Maas Reviews: 2814

This one's really interesting because it's a fantasy instead of a straight out romance and yet has a ton of reviews. (It is over twice as long as any of the others, though). The girl is an assassin, the boy is a prince. She beautiful, so is he, they fight a lot, and they better be 100 together by the time this story ends.

Adversary Extraordinaire by precocious Reviews: 2640

Another boarding school one. Girl goes - as girl - meets arch nemesis who happens to be her brothers' best friend and used to be her best friend. They bicker. They fall in love. Note the trend with really high class, popular guys.

He Punks Me Not by The Queen of Cliché Reviews: 2606

Ok, I fail, I haven't actually read this one. But I was like, ooh, look at that pretty number, let me put it on here.

Against All Odds by Myrika Reviews: 2454

Girl's brother's best friend makes a bet that he can get any girl to fall in love with him - cue, girl. Don't worry, she knows about the bet and is very against falling in love. A good part takes place at school. Pranks. Fighting. Love.

Hello Kitty by Endless Dark Reviews: 2179

Two college students who passionately hate each other wake up and realize that last night, drunk, they got married. Oops. Their bad. He is super rich, she isn't, he's arrogant, but they decide to tough it out. And fall in love. Duh.

There, so that's the skim of the top listing I could find. I'm sure there are more. But look at what they all have in similar! The romance! The average girl! The hot, rich guy! The bickering! Funfunfun. So take this lovely little formula and go write your own bestselling novel. And review, because that's always fun, right? And if you had the patience to read through this to get here, you have the patience to review. Whee!