A/N:

I wrote this because I enjoy writing funny plays. The scene is basically a stage (the house, for those of you that don't know, is the audience). For the people that have read this and asked me if Mr. Femal is gay, the answer is: No. He is not. He's just very effeminate. I hope you life it. It still makes me laugh out loud. Please review, and if you have any questions email me and I'd be glad to clear anything up. Thanx!

AUDITIONS

(We open to a scene of three director's chairs. Two are filled with the judges, both are dressed in plain clothing and are wearing lanyards around their necks; they are pretty much geeky. They are talking amongst themselves while a man rushes in. He is dressed in ironed pants, a baseball hat and a vest over a white shirt. He is the director, and is Mr. Femal, pronounced Fe-MAWL. He sits in the most downstage seat. The rest of the stage is empty, except for a piano stage left and a pile of papers next to Mr. Femal's chair. All the acts waiting to audition are sitting in the first row of the house, being very loud and talkative.)

Mr. Femal (to the judges) - Sorry I'm late; had car trouble. (standing and addressing the people auditioning) Welcome to the audition for our talent show, Broodway.

Judge 1 (confused) – Uh, Mr. Female-

Mr. Femal- It's pronounced Fe-MAWL.

Judge 1- Yeah, whatever. Don't you mean Broadway?

Mr. Femal- No. This way we can produce the show without the chance of being sued.

Judge 1- Oh, okay then. Please continue.

Mr. Femal- As I was saying, welcome to our audition for our talent show, Broodway. We will call you by the order you signed up, so take a few moment and prepare any-

Judge 2 (stage whisper to Judge 1) – Do you really think its pronounced Fe-MAWL? I bet you its Fe-male and he changed it.

Judge 1- Me too, he's probably trying to sound British or Australian or maybe Ugandan…

Mr. Femal- Stop that! It's pronounced Female- I mean Fe-MAWL. Can we please start!

Judge 1- Fine then. Don't get your panties in a twist. (Both Judges laugh.)

Mr. Femal (to both judges) - I'm already beginning to hate you two.

(Mr. Femal sits down, with a mega phone in hand. He lifts it to his mouth and begins his lines.)

Mr. Femal (through the megaphone) – Okay our first act to audition is… (He checks his list on top of the paper pile next to him.) Abby and Constellina, doing a performance piece?

(Abby and Constellina get up and walk up to the stage from the house. Constellina gets two chairs from the wings while Abby brings a piece of paper to Mr. Femal.)

Abby- Here's like that paper thing that mean receptionist told us to fill out.

Judge 2- We don't have a receptionist.

Abby- Ooooh……okay. (She rips it up) Maybe I shouldn't have given her my social security number then uh, Connie?

Constellina- You gave her random numbers, I think you're safe.

Mr. Femal- Is this like an Abbot and Costello act or something?

Constellina- Who's that?

Mr. Femal- Never mind. So, start with the title and then begin.

(The two look at each other. During this little dialogue the judges are doodling on their papers and the director is cleaning the megaphone. Abby and Constellina are downstage center.)

Abby- (looking for it) I had the title on my script. Where's my script?

Mr. Femal- That's the title?

Constellina- No! Where's her script?

Judge 1- You named your script Where?

Abby- No! Who has it?!

Constellina- Who's who?

Abby- What?

Constellina Who's the who that has where?

Judge 2- Who has where, what?

Constellina- Now what is involved!?

Abby- I don't know.

Constellina- And I don't know!? Who invited what and I don't know?

Abby- What are you talking about? I all I know is someone has my script.

Judge 1- What happened to who having your script?

Mr. Femal- (angry and yelling) There is no who!

Constellina- You mean who died?

Judge 1- He was such a great person.

Abby- (at the top of her lungs) No, no, no! I just want to know where my script is!!!!

Judge 1/Constellina/ Judge 2- (together) Ooooooooooooh.

Mr. Femal- Thank you, ladies but anymore words out of either of mouths will drive me up the walls! Please leave!

Judge 2 (to Mr. Femal) – If we can't find something better than this then the talent show is screwed.

(As the girls walk off they adlib about who wanting what and someone has where. When they are off Mr. Femal goes back to his list.)

Mr. Femal- Okay, let's go to our next audition. (He looks at his paper and says, a little sarcastically) Benito the Magnificent Maker of Magic? (Benito comes on stage while Mr. Femal continues) Oh yeah, that's catchy.

(When Benito is finally on stage we can see that he is dressed up in magician attire, except he is wearing a bright neon green tie.)

Mr. Femal- Want to explain the tie?

Benito (with a Spanish accent) - Of course, Mr. Female-

Mr. Femal- Fe-MAL!!

Benito- (American accent) Sure, whatever. (Back to Spanish) Anyway, it was gift from my mother back in Chile.

Judge 1- You mother lives in Chile?

Judge 2- Does she ever get Hungary?

Judge 1- For Turkey!

Judge 2- Fried in Greece!

Mr. Femal- That was lame. Very lame.

Judge 1- I am ashamed.

Mr. Femal- You should be. (To Benito) Okay, Mr. Magic Maker, show us your act, and I take it is a magic act.

(Benito walks to center stage and opens his arms wide as if to announce something)

Benito- Hola, I am Benito the Magnificent Maker of Magic!

Judge 2- Yeah, we established that.

Benito- Oh, well, sí. Anyway, for my first act I will… turn my wand into flowers!

(He brings a wand out from the pocket of his coat and it turns to flowers. Only one or two people clap. He looks a bit embarrassed but continues.)

Benito- Uhh, for my next act I will need a volunteer. (He looks over at Mr. Femal) How about Señor Female?

Mr. Femal- It's pronounced… You know what, it's not worth it.

Benito- Okay. (He takes out a deck of cards) I have here a plain set of playing cards. I shuffle them, and then Mr. Woman here picks a card.

(Benito shuffles while Mr. Femal is irritated at the nickname. When Benito is done, Mr. Femal picks a card.)

Benito- Now memorize it. (Takes a second) Okay, now put it back in the pile.

(He shuffles it again, and then he picks out a random card from the deck.)

Benito- Is this your card?

Mr. Femal- Yep.

(Judge 1 and 2 are both awing and oohing but Mr. Femal grabs the deck of cards and looks at them.)

Mr. Femal- All of them say two of clubs.

Benito- Uh, sí. You know that, and I know that, but the audience doesn't.

Mr. Femal- Are you done?

Benito- I have one more act.

Mr. Femal (going back to his chair) – Get it over with then.

(Benito goes offstage for a moment and the three people on stage look at each other. They wait a few moments, and the two judges start talking)

Judge 2- So anyway, I bought this vase off E-delta and when I got it in the mail it was in like a hundred pieces. So I called up the guy who sent it-

(Benito comes back out with a box that is visible cut in half. There is an obvious dummy's head, arms and legs sticking out of the cut holes. We can see Mr. Femal rolling his eyes. Benito brings the box center stage and makes a dramatic move of his arms across the box)

Benito- Here is my Magical Box of Horrible Things Waiting to Happen.

Mr. Femal- You really ought to hired a writer.

Benito- Anyway, here you see I have a volunteer and I am going to cut, uh, Sally in half.

(Benito fakes cutting the box in half, and when he is through he pushes the two halves away.)

Benito- Voila! Sandra-

Judge 1- Sally.

Benito- Sally has been cut in half!

(Immediately after he says this the dummy's head falls off and rolls away.)

Benito- Uhh…it seems I cut a little too much off.

Mr. Femal- Get off the stage!

(Benito pushes the box offstage as fast as he can. We suddenly see a man running across the back of the stage with a guitar in hand. He is being followed by Benito.)

Benito- I can play guitar very good! Lemme play, lemme play…

(Both run off and Femal continues)

Mr. Femal- Okay... that was fun. Our next try-out is…(checks paper) Olga and Krasa singing a duet. (Krasa and Olga go on stage, but Femal continues) What nationality is Krasa?

Olga- (Standing center stage, preparing to sing. She speaks with a terrible Russian accent) Oh, Krasa is a Russian name that means beautiful.

(We have yet to see Krasa because she is wearing a black robe, covering her face. She stands next to Olga, still wearing the robe and staring at the floor.)

(Judges 1 and 2 are happy, thinking the song will be in Russian.)

Judge 2- Ooo! Goodie! Are we gonna hear a Russian song?

Olga- (She turns her head back towards the directors. She's confused.) Um, no. (Slight pause) We will be singing "With You" by the Jessica Simpson.

(Femal and Judges look at each other, then Femal nods to show they may start.)

(Olga begins to sing the song, badly, and Krasa stands next to her, still staring at the ground. The song is only the first verse and a chorus. Then a music brake for a few seconds. After the break Krasa suddenly throws off her robe. Now we see she's hideous, wearing a strange outfit and her hair is all screwed up. Lipstick on her cheeks and bright eye shadow. She sings the chorus once by herself now, and sings it even worse than Olga.)

(Now they are done. Five seconds on silence, everyone frozen.)

Mr. Femal- Well, um, thank you for, um, that song. (To the judges) At least I think it was.

Olga- (to Krasa) See, my dear sister! America is not full of Simon Cowells! Some of the men on these reality shows are nice! He is like the male version of Paula Abdul!

Mr. Femal- (correcting their mistake) This isn't a reality show. It's a talent show. May I stress the word talent.

(Olga and Krasa look at each other)

Krasa- (with a perfect American accent. To Olga) Olga, you said this was Multinational Idol! I am going to get you…!

(Krasa runs Olga off the stage. A second of silence. Suddenly the head of Benito's dummy rolls on stage. Benito follows soon after, chasing it on stage. Judges laugh at it, and Mr. Femal shakes his head.

Mr. Femal- Benny, get it off the stage.

Benito- (confused) Who is Benny?

(Femal points offstage and Benito walks off, sulking. Then Femal gives the judges the evil eye and they stop laughing.)

Mr. Femal- (Returning to his seat. Reading) Okay, we've had Abby and Constellina, Benito the Idiot (a "Hey!" comes from Benito off stage) and Krasa and Olga the anti-singers. (Kind of to himself) Who's next.

(A boy comes from the first row. He stands and runs on stage. He seems very excited, and is trying to get a hold on his anticipation. He sits on a stool stage center. Femal and Judges just look at him.)

Judge 2- (after a moment of tension) Um, yeah, you Billy?

(Billy nods)

Judge 1- You Billy… the ventriloquist?

(Billy nods again)

Judge 2- Okay. Start.

Mr. Femal- (Upset) Hey, I get to say that. (He seems smug) Start.

(Billy goes offstage for a moment. You can hear him and Benito fighting over the ventriloquist doll. After a moment Billy returns, his shirt and hair a little messed up. He sits on the stool and prepares to start)

Billy- So, Bernadette-

Judge 1- Um, you named your doll Bernadette?

Judge 2- (to Judge 1) Almost as funny as Female!

Mr. Femal- Shut up. Continue, Billy.

Billy- And by the way, Bernadette, before we were interrupted, how are you?

(When doll answers Billy is moving his lips to make it talk, and the movement of his lips are very exaggerated, so it's obvious to the audience it's him talking. He is also using a very high voice.)

Doll- Yo my main man Billy, what's happenin'?

Billy- Not much, my homie. But I'm trying to do a talent show for these peoples out there.

Doll- Get out!

Billy- No, seriously, dude!

Doll- For real!

Billy- Yeah, man, this is so totally fun!

(Femal moves uneasy in his chair and shouts at Billy)

Mr. Femal- Okay, that's quite enough, thank you.

Billy- No, no wait! I still have the best part coming up!

Mr. Femal- (agitated) Fine.

Billy- You thinking what I'm thing, Bernie?

Doll- Don't know, you thinking about eating creamed corn on a space shuttle in the summer around 2:30 with Mr. Feminine?

(With this idiotic statement Femal jumps from his chair and pulls the doll from Billy. Billy pulls back and a struggle breaks out. The Judges begin to cheer at the fight, adlibbing "Go, go!" or "You can do it, punch him!". The struggle stops and the doll is in Femal's hands. Billy hangs his head in shame and walks offstage. Femal, adjusting anything that was moved out of place in the fight, like a shirt or his hair, sits back at his chair and throws the doll offstage, the opposite direction of Billy.)

Mr. Femal- That was terribly stupid.

(Just then Billy runs across stage with Benito's cape, and Benito is chasing him. They run offstage as the audience watches them. When all is silent Femal continues.)

Mr. Femal- It seems we only have one more act to see. A Miss Mal (he pronounces it Male)?

(From the audience comes Miss Mal. It's actually pronounced Miss MAWL. She walks on stage and walks off to the wing. The judges look at each other.)

Judge 2- Maybe she thinks we're kicking her out.

Judge 1- Maybe she thinks the audition is in the wing

Judge 2- Maybe she has some sort of disease.

Judge 1- She probably got it from her name, Male. It must be embarrassing to have a name that is the name of the other… (Femal turns in his chair and glares at the Judges.)

Judges- (meekly) Sorry.

(Miss Mal comes back on with a man with a guitar. His name is Jack. He sits in the background and acts as if tuning it. Miss Mal walks to center.)

Mr. Femal- Okay, Miss Male-

Jack- (Looking up from the guitar) Oh, it's pronounced Mawl.

Mr. Femal- Thank, sir, but I was addressing Miss Mal (now pronounced Mawl).

Jack- (kind of amused) She's a mute, Mr. Femal. She can't talk.

Mr. Femal- (pleased he pronounced his name correctly) Oh. And what act will Miss Mal be performing?

Jack- She will be doing a dance number with my accompaniment on guitar.

(Femal gives the gesture to start. Jack begins the guitar, playing very badly. Even though he is playing badly, Miss Mal is dancing very well. She is very graceful, even to the bad music. After a minute of dancing Billy comes racing on with his doll, followed by Abby and Constellina.)

Abby- Give it back!

Billy- No, Bernadette's mine!

Constellina- We aren't done playing house!

(They are off stage now. Jack is totally oblivious to what is and will happen, so he continues guitar all through, but at pianissimo. Miss Mal had stopped after Abby, Constellina and Billy came on stage. Now she looks at Mr. Femal)

Mr. Femal- (very annoyed) You may continue. They should be gone for a while.

(Miss Mal continues. For a moment every thing is fine. Then Benito runs across the other way than the others had. In his hands is the head of Sally, the dummy, and under his arms are a leg and an arm. He is being followed by Olga.)

Olga- Come back here with my sister!

(Benito and Olga are off stage. Miss Mal, who had stopped, looks again at Femal. He motions her to continue and she does. Only a few seconds of dance are done, when Benito and Billy, holding one side of Bernadette with Krasa on the other side.)

Benito- Let go of my Sandra-

Judge 1- Sally.

Benito- Sally!

Krasa- (still in American accent) No! It reminds of my home country!

Billy- What, your home country of Canada?

Krasa- Ooooh, that went too far.

(This time Femal has had enough. He stands and summons them to the center. Everyone, including the Judges come to him in a semi circle. He huffs, in a rage.)

Mr. Femal- (loud and obnoxious) This is quite enough! I have sat here, watching you people. I watched the Abbot and Costello thing go up in smoke. I watched the magic maker, who by the way is the worst magician in the world. I have seen the duet give the word singer a bad name and I have witness the night of the crappy ventriloquist! And finally, even though her music was crap, I found someone with actual talent! And what do the rejects do? They ruin it! Kill it! What is wrong with you people!? (Jack is still playing in the background, quietly) And stop playing the aforementioned crappy music! (Jack stops)

(Everyone is silent. The judges, who are farthest most right, look at each other. Abby and Constellina hang their heads. Olga and Krasa look away from Femal. Billy is holding Bernadette, hugging her. Jack is still upstage, with Miss Mal standing with her hands behind her back, next to Femal. Benito, because of the idiot he is, is staring at the ceiling, whistling. Then suddenly, with a loud sudden burst, everyone but Femal burst out laughing. He is confused and looks this way and that.)

Miss Mal- (still a little giggly) Oh, that was great!

Mr. Femal- (confused) I thought you couldn't talk!

Billy- Miss Mal can't talk, but undercover agent Rita Baker can!

Mr. Femal- Who's Rita Baker?

Miss Mal- I am!

(On walks Mr. Farley)

Mr. Farley- I take it you're Female, because you are the only one not laughing.

Mr. Femal- (without thinking) Fe-mawl. Yes, I am, but who are you?

Mr. Farley- I am Mr. Farley, owner of the Farley Production Company. And these (pointing to everyone, except Benito) are my undercover actors. Well, except for the fellow in the cape. I have never met him before. They are researching your directing abilities and the competition. And from what I have seen, I don't have much to worry about.

(Femal's jaw drops and everyone except Benito walks of, slapping each other and high-fiving. Benito, after a moment of silence, walks up to Femal)

Benito- So, I make the talent show?

(Femal screams and chases Benito off the stage. A sudden yell comes from Femal offstage)

Mr. Femal- For the last time it's pronounced Fe- MAWL!

Fin