(I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now ..)

"Daddy.." the little girl slowly sat up as she felts her stepfathers hands push back the covers.
"Daddy, whats wrong?"
He pushed a finger to her lips and pushed her back on the bed.
"Daddy doesn't feel good,' he crooned "Can my little dolly help daddy feel better?"
The girl grew worried.
"Daddy whats wrong? Are you sick?"
"Yes daddy's very sick, and i need you to help it go away, can you do that?"
The girl nodded.
"No remember how Mommy rubbed daddy's back when it hurt?"
Another nod.
"Well i need you to do that.. only i need you to go here.."
He grabbed her hand, pushing it to his crotch. The child frowned.
"But you said that's a private place.. I'm not 'spose to touch anyone there.."
She stopped and looked up, her brown eyes wide, as he daddy slowly pushed her small hand into the slit if his boxers.
"But don't you want to help me feel better Chrissy?"
Tears started to well up in her eyes, and she nodded.
"But I'm scared daddy.. what are you doing?!"
She felt his hand slip under her, pushing open her legs. He kept her hand massaging his erection as he slowly slid a finger into her tight hole.
"Daddy stop, it hurts."
She was crying now, trying to yank her hand away.
"Daddy please stop."
He growled and rolled her over, pushing her fragile arms over her head, tying them with one of the many colorful ribbons that decorated her bed. She squirmed beneath him sobs wracking her small frame.
"Daddy NO!"
She cried out in pain as her roughly shoved her legs apart, his hard cock at her entrance. He gently stroked her hair as her whispered.
"Its OK baby, gonna be over real soon. Shhsh, my pretty dolly doesn't look nice when she crying.."
He shoved into her, breaking threw her hymen. She began to scream. He moved hard, each thrust sending excruciating pain threw the little girls body. Choking on her tears she opened her mouth to scream again, but a hard slap across her mouth stopped her.
"Scream and you'll wish you'd never been born slut."
She closed her eyes then, biting her lips and tongue to keep from screaming. In what seemed like an eternity he was finally done, pulling out of her, getting up. He put "it" away and knelt beside her bed, untying her hands, and cradling her like a baby. She continued sobbing and shaking as her cleaned up the blood that stained her inner thighs, and washing away the cum that had dripped on the bed. He then went back to just rocking her, acting as if he hadn't done a thing. She clung to him not knowing what else to do.
"Hush now my pretty princess, my Lil dolly, its OK now, the bad mans gone.."
That little girl became a women that night, for children are innocent. That little girl didn't have a childhood.

That little girl was me. I was seven years old when my step father raped me.. this is my story.

(Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all..)

The next four years when my step father still lived with us, was a living hell on earth. I never told my mother, she had enough problems as it was. My real father had left us with nothing, after raping and nearly beating my mother to death. She had almost died to save me. I was just a tiny baby when he held a gun to my head, demanding of my mom who was to die, her or me. Luckily before he had a chance to pull the trigger he passed out. My mother fled, taking me with her, going somewhere, anywhere, just to get away from him. When i was four she remarried, to Glenn Elis, after only knowing him for six weeks. That was yet again another very stupid mistake. He continued to take pleasure in my body, telling me things no child, maybe not even grown adults, should know. He told me about his other girlfriends, the many women he cheated on my mother with, what he did to them, how he took them. He told me what he wanted to do to me, if i ever told, what he would do then. He said i was a filthy girl, a dirty slut, a monster, a half breed. He called me his dolly, his precious porcelain baby. He said i couldn't be broken, i was his crystal beauty. For years, even up until now, i think of myself as such.. a monster, a slut, a half breed. I feel used and filthy all the time, because of the knowledge that i let my own father have his way with me. I cant let men touch me, nor can i stand to be around any who are over 28 or are taller and bigger then me by a large amount. I have trouble letting anyone touch me, have trouble with my own bf holding my hand. I act and appear as if i am such though. A brazen hussy who lets any man who is "good" have at me. I'm not. Inside I'm still that meek shy little native girl, who want to nothing but play outside in the sunshine and read he favorite fairy tales. But i cant go back to being innocent, for I'm not, nor will i ever be. Ive shrouded myself in darkness, black my color of choice to wear constantly. I act cold and heartless to people i don't know, and even to people i do know. Forgive me, for i just want others to feel the pain i felt, the humiliation i feel now. The fear, the anger... Ive had allot of people tell me they know how i feel, that what Ive experience is nothing new... there wrong.

(I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now ..)

Ive had many men in my short years. Ive played with them, toyed with there emotion and brought out there desire. But it always turns out the same. Right when he falls in love with me i drop him. Crush his spirit, then show up and flaunt my new toy in front of him. Or sometime I'm proven right, that I'm nothing but a good fuck. I fall in love with a man, believe that he truly loves me, let him have me, then weep as my heart is broken yet again. In the last previous month Ive been dropped, twice, by the same man. I thought i loved him, thought he loved me, believed that he would NEVER hurt me.. again i was wrong. The man before him i believed that i would be with forever.. then i stopped looking from covered eyes, and realised he was nothing but a lie. This world seems to love to hate me, use me, break me. People wonder why I'm so bitter, why I'm so hateful.. this is your answer. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm faking, I'm afraid, I'm posing. I want to be normal. I don't want to be the celebrity of my fucked up family, i don't want to be the half breed my mother hates. I don't want to be the whore that you use and i don't want to be the bitch that destroys you. I want to be little Christy, i don't want to be Crying Wind, i don't want to be Christina. I don't want to be the ex-witch, i don't want to be the hypocrite.. i just want to be me again... but i don't even know who that is. Ive been wearing this mask so long I'm afraid to take it off. I don't want to face whats underneath.. can i keep playing dress up? Can i keep pretending and getting away with it? Is it to much to ask to be normal? To be loved and not hurt? That's all i ask for.. or is that to much to give trash like me?

Guess it is.

(Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything..)