Hi there, new story, gonna be a short one I think. m/m slash, no real warnings besides excessive angst and whining. Hope you like it!
Sometimes, I ask myself questions.
Why get excited when you're only going to be let down again?
Do you think he even notices you?
Do you think they'd notice if you weren't there?
Who would come to the funeral? Anybody?
Hmm. Yeah, I can get a little morbid, a little self-involved. A wee bit dramatic, as Gram would say. I've art in my soul, my words have wings, I paint pictures of emotions and…
Oh, it's all crap. Forget it. Typical teenage moodiness. Hormones. Lack of proper sleep and nutrients. A boring home life. Affection and neglect in equal measures. I don't know. I can come up with so many excuses why I seem to find the negative in any situation, but maybe it's just the way I am. That's fairly normal for someone my age, right? It's okay to be a moody bastard when you're So Misunderstood. Heh. Yes, I even capitalize my thoughts sometimes. Maybe I live a little too much inside my head. No wonder I manage to run into open locker-doors at least once a week.
So, I'm moody. I'm Tragically Misunderstood. I'm a nobody, a geek, an outsider. I have a friend or two, so I'm not a total loser. It's just not the same. They can't help me. They have no idea what my number one wish is right now. I'm too distant to fully mesh with them. They don't get me. I'm lost sometimes. I feel so different, so alien.
I'm freakin' lonely.
I met a guy last week. Yeah, so I've actually known him since the first grade, but last Tuesday, I think I actually saw him for the first time. You know how you can be acquainted with someone for years and years, have actual conversations, work together on occasion, take classes together…and yet, you've never really looked into their face? That vague impression of brown eyes and hair, freckles, and tallness suddenly pinwheels into focus. That brown hair is kinda shaggy, a little curly on the ends; you can see where the hair on his nape seems to grow upwards underneath the weight of the silky-looking tresses in the back. Those brown eyes suddenly have flecks of gold and a band of black around the iris, framed by long, girly lashes and perfectly arched eyebrows. No plucking and no unibrow here! The height is realized in comparison to your own, complemented by broader shoulders than yours, but suddenly you know you could probably borrow his pants if there were a need because you have the same waistline.
Then you start to wonder what the hell kind of occasion would arise in which you would need to borrow the guy's pants.
Tuesday…What was so fabulous about Tuesday? Well, for starters, you've already gotten Monday out of the way, so the shock of waking up before seven a.m. isn't quite as severe as it was the day before. It's not Thursday, which seems to last forever because you've still got to get through Friday before the weekend. It's not Sunday, which is never long enough when there's classes the next day. So, I guess Tuesday's ok. It'll do.
Tuesday, Tuesday…turned out to be kinda cool last week. Hey, that was almost a positive comment! There's hope for me yet, don't you think? I'll never be Mr. Mary Sunshine, but maybe someday I'll snap out of my whining and glass-half-empty outlook.
As I was saying, Tuesday was ok. I'd made it through European History just fine, thanks to actually having done the reading the night before. I may be a moody bastard, but I do my homework like a good boy, so don't give me that look. French was easy, as usual, lunch was as good as can be expected. I sat at a corner table with Rob and Katie, my two friends since junior high. We had a nice conversation about something or other, not very interesting but I'm left with the impression that it was enjoyable so it must have been ok. Did I mention the zoning thing? Yeah, I kinda do that sometimes. I have a talent for being able to respond appropriately even though I'm a million miles away. I get confused as hell though when people bring it up later and I'm like, "Huh? I agreed to do what?" Gotten into a few embarrassing situations that way, none of which I'll be sharing today, so don't ask.
Rob and Katie are good people, like I said I've known them for a long time and they get me about as much as anyone else does. Maybe I don't try hard enough, but I just never feel like I connect with them. Yeah, we share hobbies or whatever, we know a bunch of each other's secrets, we go to each other's houses and hang out and shoot the shit, but really, I don't think they know me at all. I guess it's one of those relationships where you could talk and talk, just rip your heart right out and show it to them, put a window into your brain so they could see what you see, but you'd never truly know each other. I'm so tired of superficial relationships. I'm tired of going to the effort to go to someone's house to spend time with them, and ending up in front of a TV or play station for hours until it's time to go home. Or, going to the mall and spending all my money, supporting the rampant consumerism that is America, begging the folks for more cash so I can buy more stuff for the sake of having stuff…and never saying one thing of any true significance to the person I'm spending time with.
I stifle my loneliness with emptiness and vague conversation. I want to feel something, I want to experience something real, maybe even love someone beyond a crush. It's been so long since I've felt an interest in anybody though; I wouldn't even know where to start. The typical kid at my school would just shrug and walk away. To be honest, I don't think I even have the balls to try anymore. Once I found Rob and Katie I stopped trying. So, basically, I'm a big wanker. And by that, I mean that I talk a lot, but I'm not doing much lately to back it up. Apathy, indecision, fear; these are some of the things that hold me back.
I guess I want a lot. Is that such a problem though? Am I the only person that really wants to be known? I'm willing to open myself up to someone, to bare my soul, to be utterly humiliated in my search for total communication, but…I guess I have perfection issues to stack on top of it all. I don't want to have to do this more than once in my life, so how do I know I picked the right person to open up to? Let's just leave reality out of it for a while, shall we? I'm aware that we all need to take risks, take a chance and get rejected, have your heart crushed, your soul stomped upon, your ego flattened a good time or two or three in order to grow. I'm a little stunted, stuck at this emotional height before I ever had a chance to get bigger. I want that perfect communion of mind and heart and soul…but I'm scared to death to look for it.
And I never thought I'd find it in high school. Especially on a Tuesday.