Author Notes: Risk; The chances we take in life, liberty and the pursuit of …Rum and Men! No, Happiness. Isn't rum and men Happiness? No, but close…for you anyway. This is a play… a movie…all right, a movie without film…it's a movie in my head, that was suppose to be the memoirs of two teenage girls who conquered the world. They were going to write it on their ship while traveling to one of their many palaces. However, what came out of that voyage wasn't memoirs, but a dialogue of the day-to-day events on a pirate ship called the Moonlight Shadow. –Heather A. Moeller; Lady Wolf Paw
Scene I: Aysi and Wolf Paw are sitting at the table facing each other in the Captain's Quarters writing their memoir together each writing as the other speaks in the Captain's Log. Each has a clear view of the door. Wolf Paw is drinking from a larger than normal hip flask.
Setting: Captain's Quarter's: Small bed along the wall, table with maps in the center, door is opposite of bed.
Aysi: I hail from Iceland, it isn't ice you know, there's greenery and hot springs … very nice this time of year …
Wolf Paw: Cough
Aysi: All right! I know! Anyway, on a winter's night there are fair few ways to keep warm. Warm blankets, blazing fires, the delightful hot springs, and … ah, well … let's just say and a little thing called the funky monkey.
Wolf Paw: Cough
Aysi: Give me a break! According to my childhood friend it works. I was born late summer, early fall mayhaps. My father was, is actually, a brilliant tactician, why couldn't I get some of his talent? My mother … I never knew her, as she was drug off by wolves three months after I was born.
Wolf Paw: Snickers
Aysi: Glares My father and I traveled a lot; my father was, is, after all Iceland's general/tactician and there were many rebels. As a child, I was a bit of a klutz … that hasn't changed really. However, that is beside the point. I rose to leadership of Iceland at the tender age of fourteen. I'm now sixteen and had plotted with a friend of mine to take over the world.
Aysi: To be honest, my history isn't as bright and colorful as say, Wolf Paw's. What's hers? I think I'll let her tell you.
Wolf Paw: I Wolf Paw am a child of the sea and a p, p, p, proper pirate takes a swig of rum
Aysi: Shakes head ruefully Drinking hard liquor at such a young age. Wait drinking liquor period
Wolf Paw: How you may ask? That I shall tell you. (Takes another swig)
Wolf Paw: My mother is originally from Japan. She was on a cruise to Australia but as the ship neared Australia, a tsunami hit. (Another swig) The damage was great and my mother was adrift on a piece of wreckage a lone survivor. To the lost (a long swig of rum)
Aysi: For your sanity, she drinks after every other sentence, or so and is properly drunk already, hell before we started our tale.
Wolf Paw: My father, an Australian a proper Australian, was out to catch some waves when the tsunami hit he was carried out to sea and ended coming across my mother.
Wolf Paw: My father helped my mother on to his surfboard, and they were adrift for days until they washed ashore on an uncharted island. Whistles
Wolf Paw: Time passed well with it they fell in love. Over time, my father was teaching my mother to surf if you know what I mean but on one day as they were out catching some waves, ma my mother went into labor. However, they were too far out to git back to the island. Oh what a way to come into this world … on a surfboard.
Aysi: (Mouth twitches into a shadow of a smile)
Wolf Paw: So, I am raised an only child on an uncharted island which by the way I conquered time and time again. My mother and father told me stories of their omelands and I wish I could conquer them as well just like my lil' island. For all great ambitions start as small dreams.
Aysi: (Coughs politely)
Wolf Paw: Oh, right on with the story. And so I, with the wishes of my parents, set out to conquer the world but on my journey I meet my friend Ayhiccup)shi, (pats Aysi on back) My good buddy Ayshi
Wolf Paw: Oh right I see. She was touring Asia, getting to know the lay of the land. We became friends from the first meeting. And we plotted to take the world by force. She as the Queen of Iceland, and I with my parents' homelands backing me.
Aysi: Didn't I tell you that she had a colorful history? Unfortunately for you, I forgot to mention how long winded she gets drunk.
Wolf Paw: Hey
Aysi: It's the truth. Putting the past behind us let us go on.
Aysi: As Wolf Paw told you, we met in Asia, more accurately what is Russia, and became fast friends. It seems odd to me that even before I met Wolf Paw, who by the way is psychotic and drunk most the time.
Wolf Paw: Grrrr I'm out o rum, where the oter bottle? There it is!
Aysi: I was making plans to conquer the world. The only thing that changed from meeting Wolf Paw is that I don't lose half as much. If I only could convince my father to give me advice … the stuffy old codger frowned upon my desire to take over the world. We'd be unstoppable if he had. Maybe we could have bribed him?
Wolf Paw: Hmmmm how about um surfing lessons?
Aysi: I don't think that will work.
Wolf Paw: How bout rum!
Aysi: I know that definitely won't work. I get my opinion of liquor from him.
Wolf Paw: Ah, bloody hell. And so we have worked hard and long snicker hard and long snicker against our enemies, the ones how... ah bloody hell
Wolf Paw: Who, who wanted to stop our dreams of world domination. Ah but if it wasn't for me poor Ayshi
Wolf Paw: Right I see, poor I see would still be going after Canadia
Aysi: There's thousands of neutchs in Canada… but let's just stick to something the drunk one would know… Canadia
Wolf Paw: Oh, how foolish it is to go after Canadia, so I have helped her she's a bit of a klutz, but I've been covering her mistakes.
Aysi: I know I make mistakes Wolf Paw! You have to admit, the ideas are perfect … it's the application that is flawed.
Wolf Paw: No really
Aysi: Anyway, I started by taking over Greenland.
Aysi: It's interesting really, Iceland has greenery and Greenland has ice. It drives me crazy! They have delusions to greenery! Iceland is greener! Breathes Besides Greenland's leader is twenty years older than me, and thinks that I'll give up Iceland and become a member of his harem. Therefore, I attacked Greenland. Is that one of the mistakes you were talking about Wolf Paw?
Wolf Paw: (Pounds head into table) Yes! Now get off the subject of harems and revenge. You should of started in an area that was weakly guarded not the most heavily covered area of the neutchs. Some were like Drops rum picks it up, sets it down ah where's me rum… tere it is… Ukraine, duh. And that's why if it weren't for me covering your butt you would be up to your butt in neutchs. Some times, I wonder which of us is the daughter of a great tactician.
Aysi: I told you, I didn't inherit my father's talents.
Wolf Paw: That's true
Aysi: Besides I must take after my mother, she was stupid enough to be drug off by wolves.
Wolf Paw: (Hehehe)
Aysi: Glares balefully and takes Wolf Paw's rum Anyway, I couldn't have taken over Ukraine…I couldn't reach through you and the neutchs!
Wolf Paw: You could have asked!
Aysi: My bad. Not to mention I'd have to bring all those troops. Ponders
Aysi: Face it! You beat me there anyway.
Wolf Paw: Yeah, I did
Aysi: At any rate, I had reasons for taking over Greenland, all Greenland's leader talks about was how many women he takes with him when he travels at sea.
Wolf Paw: What do you have about ocean love anyway?
Aysi: Nothing really… or at least not ocean love as you put it. What happened between your mother and father is fine because even though you are long winded, it doesn't take you six hours to relate, and you don't give full details!
Wolf Paw: I could.
Aysi: Don't you dare! If you even think about it I'll slit you, wind to water and'll have yer guts for garters!
Wolf Paw: Hey, I'm the sea child get yer own bloody Phrases blarmey ingrit.
Wolf Paw: I could just take Iceland right now it would be nice to have a private hot spring island.
Aysi: My father would kill you personally if you even try to take Iceland's throne from me! It's mine!
Wolf Paw: Well I rule the world.
Aysi: I don't care if you rule the world! Iceland's throne is mine! I inherited it, and I'm going to keep it!
Wolf Paw: Then stop stealing sea phrases, get yer own bloody curses.
Aysi: Idjot. I'll roast your bruised carcass in a hot spring.
Wolf Paw: Where's the rum you bloody sea cow? (Eyes open wide) Whhi is the rum gone?
Aysi: It's just gone.
Wolf Paw: But whi the rum Starts crying
Aysi: First: because is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable women into complete scoundrels. Two: It makes you drunker than any skunk in a thousand foot zone.
Wolf Paw: My precious rum!!!! Pauses; Stares Whi do we need drunken skunks in a thousand foot zone? (Starts crying again My rum come back
Aysi: Examines rum bottle Ah yes, the warning label
Wolf Paw: What's a warming label?
Aysi: Warning: In life, there are things such as too much hard liquor, and too much humor. Any mixing of the two will certainty cause an emergency bladder release of all people in a fifty nautical mile radius of this scene. If you are reading this warning, know that you are well within the range of release.
Wolf Paw: (Snicker Release. Snicker Ah me rum. My beauty… you came back.
Aysi: Grabs a bucket of cold water Don't make me do it.
Stage Cues: AT that moment, a barely clothed slave boy comes in to clean
Wolf Paw: Hey baby I won't make ya do it, I let ya do it willingly.
Stage Cues: The slave gets flustered and just ran out
Wolf Paw:Ah damn get back here
Aysi: Justifiable cause.
(Stage Cues: SPLASH Aysi dunks Wolf Paw
Wolf Paw: Ey! Did he come back yet? Giggles
Wolf Paw: Brublle bubble.
Aysi: I really don't want to do this, please tell me you're sober.
Wolf Paw: I sotally tober
Aysi: SPLASH Why does she seem to get drunker when she should be better? Tastes water Nope just water. Are you sober yet?
Wolf Paw: Ya ya get let me die in peace why didn't you let me have my fun?
Aysi: Because, you were drunker than a skunk
Wolf Paw: Skunks drink?
Aysi: It's just an expression! Where was I? Oh yes… you were drunker than a skunk and that servant
Wolf Paw: Slave Boy
Aysi: Firmly Servant
Wolf Paw: Adamantly spoken Slave Boy!
Aysi: Alright … slave boy
Wolf Paw: Who by the way is mine.
Aysi: Talks over Wolf Paw, slightly slower Was whiter than a sheet.
Wolf Paw: He was just excited
Aysi: He was frightened… with an F!
Wolf Paw: You spell frightened with any other letter?
Aysi: I swear! You are more ready to get any male of the human species into your bed than I am to enter a battle I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of losing.
Wolf Paw: Looks confused what?
Aysi: You're on a blooming ship, you have only one guy on it and still you think only of tripping him into your bed, which is barely big enough for one person let alone two, what in the name of the Spirit of the Hot Springs were you thinking?
Wolf Paw: Hmmm bed…trip… Sly smirk Oh? What was all that?
Aysi: Oh Spirit of the Hot Springs please carry my tortured soul home.
Wolf Paw: Hey, what is up with you? I merely want some comforting; I was so lonely on the open sea for so long, no male companionship. I am still a virgin you know. Wait… did I just say that aloud? Shit! Grabs new bottle of rum.
Aysi: Stares Spirits be praised, you should be. I'm going to bed before your drunkenness makes me decide that you need to be drowned properly. You and that boy had better still be virgins when I wake up. Walks out slamming the door behind her
Wolf Paw: I going to buy a harem of men then at the next port we land in, which is only three hours away. Which gives me enuff time to make a list of what I want Hiccup see, I see? Here's the list I making. Holds up a sketch of a tall dark and handsome pirate…Blinks Ayshi? Starts drowning sorrow in rum Why did Ayshi leave me? Starts stroking sketch You would never leave me.
First Mate: First mate walks in
Wolf Paw: Not you, no not you Jason.
First Mate:Shit, Aysi, she's drunk and perverted. What did you do? Damnit! Storms off to find Aysi.
Stage Cues: Meanwhile Aysi
Aysi: After I left Wolf Paw, I stormed off to my small but private cabin, passing the first mate on the way.
Aysi: Why does she have to get drunk over virginity of all things? Spirits!
Aysi: I swear that she has enough spirits on this ship to get fifty men so drunk they'd pass out! All drank by a single girl!
Aysi: No… I take that back, not passed out, but they'd agree to bed her. At the same time!
Stage Cue: As Aysi rants, the first mate comes in. In time to catch the comment about fifty men. She promptly runs to tell Wolf Paw
Stage Cue: Back with Wolf Paw
First Mate: Walks in to find Wolf Paw drunkenly singing the name Ayshi to the tune of My Bonnie lie over the ocean
Wolf Paw: Ayshi.…Ayshi, over the open sea. Bring back! Bring hic back. Bring back my Ayshi to me.
First Mate: Captain Wolf Paw! I just heard Aysi stating something about you and fifty men?
Wolf Paw: Why would Ayshi be talking about fifty men? Is she as perverted as me?
Wolf Paw: Captain Mode First Mate! Tend to the ship and crew. We will be docking in port in less than half an hour.
First Mate: Yes Captain Wolf Paw. Mutters under breath as she leaves She's drunker than a whole crew of male pirates, yet she knows wha'the hell is going on around her, and can sense rum anywhere, and never gets lost. Then Aysi with her damnable internal clock. No matter what time zone we're in, she knows what time it is. Fades away