FAILURE THIS TIME
I had to sit there and pretend I didn't care. You were always one step ahead or behind, couldn't you just stay beside me in tough moments I needed you? I forgot you only live for yourself and your own benefit. You never really cared if I was heart broken or in the middle of a suicidal depression, you were way too concentrated in your own selfish perfect pink bubbled world. I was in a hole, and as sad as this sounds; a hole in which you put me into. You never understood me. Don't pretend you care, for as far as I'm concerned you only cared about yourself.
You found him standing in the middle of the pavement; you stopped and told him that you loved him, even if you didn't. You convinced everyone about your lies, even me. Even him. You took him away from me, best friend. Still I believed in you, seeing you together day after day ripped me down to pieces, I was torn to shreds, and I still ask, did you care? No, you didn't I say to myself for the fifteenth time. You were too concerned trying to hide your lies, finding someone to blame for the mess you caused. And you did. You blamed her, the blonde haired girl who claimed to be our friend but never really fitted in. You accused her of corrupting your mind, of indulging you to commit such dirty crimes. Well guess what, I've opened up my eyes, and I figured out that was just another one of your mountain of lies. She was partly guilty for being so cold-hearted and for being your partner in crime, but she is not one to blame. It was you all the time who made me cry, it was you all the time who pretended to be the victim, it was you all the time stepping on everyone to get what you needed. You've gone too far- you broke me, not just me really- I know around a thousand people you hurt not caring if they were left alone to rot in the trash you threw at them.
You dumped my 'oh so loved guy' (probably the only one I ever had a chance with). You left him lonelier than he had ever been. And did you care? He was just another victim blinded by your innocent freckle face. Like me he discovered too late you were not worth so much pain. After that you stole my best friend, one of the best people I've known. You stole it when you knew she was in love with him- when she, being the great friend she was born to be, would fall into a depression if you take him away. Like me, she was your friend, and again you didn't bother in stealing everything from her. You claimed him yours and again you didn't stop to look at what you'd done and all the pain you'd caused. I found around four people that helped me overcome all the depression caused by you, my best friend (and it was hard to discover that the three people I trusted the most didn't do anything to help- and I hate them for that- do you still blame me for that?) and I'm quite sure not to include you between those four. With effort and dedication they showed me the beauty of life again; slowly I found my feet stepping out of the shadows. And it was hard. Now you accuse me for being a pessimist, for being your 'so-unhappy-friend-without-a-reason' I remember you even told me that life was not about that. So I asked what was it about for you? Now I answer to myself, life for you is getting what you want at the time you want it and exactly how you want it, even if you don't need it, even if you kill around a thousands souls to obtain it (how exactly harsh does that sounds?)
It was not long; you dumped him again, knowing he had some problem for opening his heart. Knowing he was lonely all along and needed of your support but you didn't care. What made me think you would? He cried I remember because he told me in our profound conversations after taking guitar lessons. You were his world you know? You were mine as well; I thought that if I was not at your feet my world would collapse (I never stopped to think, that world was already death). I didn't care all those times you humiliated me, or stepped on me, or made me cry- which I will not recall in here because there are so many that I don't even want to try. For a while it didn't matter to me, and even if I wasn't happy I pretended to be, because you were by my side, best friend. I was devastated, my defenses went down but still I tried to keep you by my side, best friend. But you were never really by my side, I was the one who was always there for you, was it so hard to be there just once for me? Yes, apparently it was. I gave up everything, I had arguments against the one person that saved my life- we screamed, we cried, everyone told me I was blind. I almost lost all those amazing true friends I got to know when you left me alone. And did you know why I almost torn them apart? Because of you, because they said crap about you, about how a selfish bad person you really were, innocent freckle face. I didn't believe them; well I guess a part of me did. But still I didn't want to believe it- I was deaf to all the other voices that were not yours. I stayed deaf way too long, because you never spoke or said you were sorry. I got tired of waiting for responses and so I moved on, still hoping to have you standing next to me, best friend.
You moved on better than me, let me say. You went to other school and it didn't took you long to forget about me, your best friend. You hanged out with jerks, you chose everyone who was new in your world. Then she came to view, the root of all evil, the poison inflicted, the wilted flower of the summer, the intoxicating cancer on the lungs- and what did you do best friend? You picked her over me. I cried so much, there's no reason for denial. I cried and opened once again my heart that was still marked up with all the knives you pulled inside of it before. And what did you do best friend? You just pour salt to all my wounds, wounds you marked (well take a look at my heart, they are still there) but I don't look so much inside that lonely heart anymore. Now I am removing every single sharp object inflicted in my bones, I'm finally forgetting all the hell you put me through (and it's not easy.)
Now that I am happy, now that I have true caring friends that always stand by me (Oh so different from you, best friend) you come and accuse me of not being the caring person you want me to be. Guess what, I've also changed. Not for better, not for worse. I'm just happy now, is that bad? Why do you try to pull me again into the wave of emptiness? Is it because you are empty? Does all the things you did finally hunt you in your dreams? Good. You deserve that. Don't blame me for your loneliness- you were the only one who granted that. Don't come here crying in that fake hurtful glance of dark black eyes (eyes of stone- without a feeling, without a heart) You are a fraud. You've always have been, it was just me who never noticed. Don't expect that some teary cold eyes, harsh words, and self pity are going to be able to erase all the negative feelings you inflicted in me.
Can't you see it? I'm the selfish one this time. Stop telling other people that you miss me, stop telling them that it's my fault (they know better.) Was it that hard to say 'I'm sorry?' and better yet- Was your pride worth it? To keep up all the apologies you should have made to around three thousand people clenched behind your teeth? Was it worth it? Do you see how it is to be alone? How it is when the person you trust sticks a knife into your heart and leaves you bleeding until you almost think you had died? Do you see I'm not the negative one anymore? Can't you see me smiling, best friend? Can't you see me giving up on you, best friend? Can't you see my eyes wide open now, best friend? Can't you see I just figured out who you really are (and you are not worth it anymore). I can't recall a time in which I felt more blissful than right now, look at me- I'm not stepping on you as you did thousands of times before on me. I'm not that cruel, I'm not that selfish, I'm not that hollow. I am better than you (way much better) don't pretend not to know why you are alone and rotting (you know better) don't be the martyr this time please, I'm way too sick. I just want to be happy so that's why I'm letting you go, not a second though, not an apology, not a single tear drained for you.
Was it so hard to beg to set thing correct (It wasn't, I did it millions of times before) I knelt in front of you, and cried like a baby, losing all my pride, telling you I needed you, but you never answered me back (I'm still waiting for a response, for a glisten of guilt in your eyes, for a sight of consciousness on what you did (and how wrong you were)) I will be waiting forever it seems. Well guess what, forever is just way too long (I don't want to wait for you to change) don't say you would. I already know that line by heart, and it's a lie. You won't change, best friend, and I'm not waiting for eternity seating in this couch now full of dust ...waiting for your return. Don't return, stay far away from me, because since I let you go I became a happy person. You were a powerful chain (it took me years of traitions to adventure myself to find the key). My legs are weak, and other more valuable friends need my help now. Don't pretend you need me, you never did. Why now? Is it because your perfect enchanting world of magic is gone? Because all the other friends you had turned the back on you? (Or was it because you turned your back on them?)
Now is your turn to cry like I cried, to suffer as I suffered, to be inside the hole you put me into once (The only difference is that you dug it for yourself). And I watch with this wide smile how you get what you deserve, how you die in your own flesh (it had always been dead) how your heart becomes smaller , how your tears become dry (you cried so much, you were always a good actress) how your perfect world is turned to ashes. Just like mine before I left you, but this is something you provoked, something that will never cease- because you are different from me, and that means you are a shitty best friend, and that means you already turned your back to all those benevolent true friends who could have save you.
So do what you want but
leave me alone, best friend. I am much better, much stronger, much
worthier, much radiant without you here stealing all my light.
Without you trying to make a copy of my big generous heart (you never
did a big effort, though) don't pretend you are a good person, or
that you care for me- or anyone you killed- because the truth is that
you had always care only about yourself.
I'd save words this time and I will tell you that for the first time they had failed me (don't believe me- I'm a writer of sad stories and tragic endings- torturous dreams and lost desires). Don't pretend you needed to hear all those words I would never tell you, don't pretend to need my voice when you had always been deaf and blind. Don't act like you don't know why it is that you are lonely. Don't try to persuade me into speaking disastrous words about you (the truth) because you have never listened to anything I ever told you (what makes me think there will be any difference this time, best friend?)
You failed me in all the possible ways someone could failed you (still I forgave you) trust me on that one, I'm not that resentful person you say I am (how could you dare saying that when I forgave every nasty thing you did to me?) I prove it to you, I forgive you because I don't care anymore. I don't hold back bitter feelings, sad sensations or hollow thoughts because that would mean I care (I don't care anymore).
I'm not that reliable, I'm not that predictable, I'm not that stupid (you should have known better, best friend)
At last you are beginning to open up your eyes and face the sad truth; I'm not there for you anymore (did you really thought I was always going to be the naïve, innocent little girl I was when it came to you?) well guess what , you took away all that naivety, all that innocence So for the first time I'm starting to see who you really are (evil and pretentious- selfish and cold- heartless and a liar). And you are nothing, you are emptiness, you are a big deep abysm, you are dust, a leaf dry on the autumn time, a dark depressing hole. Don't be afraid to open up your eyes this time (it's not a lie anymore); that's what you've become.