Trapped
Prisoner 1: I'm bored.
Silence
I said…
Prisoner 2:(Interrupts) I heard you the first time!
Silence
Prisoner 1:Can't we do something?
Prisoner 2:Like what?
Prisoner 1:I dunno… something constructive.
Prisoner 2:(Sarcastically) Yeah, what about a short blunt human pyramid!
Prisoner 1: No need to be mean.
Enter Guard
Guard:Typical, I always get the bad shifts… (Grumbling under breath)
Prisoner 2:Nice to see you too!
Guard:(Looks at him/her for a second) Shut it!
Prisoner 1:Charming!
Guard:Honestly, back in my day prisoners knew where they stood! A prison was a place to be feared! Dreaded! Avoided!
Prisoner 2: Oh yes, we're all queuing to get in these days!
Guard:This is just bricks & mortar. Bricks & mortar do not make a prison!
Prisoner 1:They sure help though!
Prisoners laugh
Guard:What are you in for anyway?
Prisoner 2:(Clears throat) Defenestration of governmental property & vandalism of official documents!
Guard:Eh?
Prisoner 1:We threw a stapler out a window & made a paper airplane out of some MP's lunch list!
Guard:Why do a thing like that?
Prisoner 2:Why not?
Guard:Well…erm…I… it's just silly!
Prisoner 2:I could say the same about the sentence.
Prisoner 1:& that uniform of yours.
Guard:What's wrong with my uniform?
Prisoners look at each other
Prisoner 1:It's a bit over the top, what with the tie & all.
Guard: (Looks at tie) What's wrong with the tie?
Prisoner 2:...it's pink!
Guard:I like pink!
Prisoner 2:Prisons, a place to be feared eh! Big black clumping boots, jacket concealing God knows how many clubs, sprays, etc…
Prisoner 1:But worst of all…PINK TIES!
P 1 & 2:(Shudders) Ooooooo!
Guard:Yes, yes, you made your point!
Silence
Prisoner 1:You wanna make a human pyramid?
Others look at him/her
Well?
Prisoner 2:I can't believe you just said that!
Guard:We made a human pyramid at my brother's birthday last year!
Prisoner 2:Don't encourage him/her!
Guard:It was such a laugh!
Prisoner 2:& this is hardly a birthday party!
Prisoner 1:Well let's do something!
Guard:Let's have a sing song!
Prisoner 2:(Puts his/her head in hands) Oh why me?
Prisoner 1 & Guard start to sing one-hundred green bottles. On reaching ninety eight they fade out & come back at two & finish off.
Prisoner 2:Well if that doesn't put you off crime I don't know what will!
Prisoner 1:I can't understand why you're being so grumpy.
Prisoner 2 stares blankly at Prisoner 1. He/she then makes a gesture to the room they are in.
Prisoner 2:(Whispers) Hey, I'm going to try & figure a way out, see if you can keep the guard distracted.
Prisoner 1:Erm, yea, so… you like stuff?
Guard:(Confused) Well, yes…
Prisoner 1:Do you know what we're having for breakfast?
Guard:Same as always.
Prisoner 1:(Disappointed) Dry toast & fre… orange. Why is the toast always dry?
Guard:Cheaper. They also say that butter contains chemicals which cause riots.
Prisoner 1:How on earth can you make a connection between butter & riots? That's just stupid.
Guard:No think about it, according to professor Dug, it contains sodium-hydroclorophosphate. This is the chemical issued alongside nitrogen-dicarbonate to soldiers to make them aggressive & alert!
Prisoner 1:Are you sure that he didn't just make it up as a form of justification of cutting back on spending for the staff Christmas party!
Guard:Well…I think… I mean…
Prisoner 2:Tell me more about your brother's birthday party.
Guard:(New sense of enthusiasm) Ah, well he was always wanting a bit of fun, seriously he's a real joker, anyway he decided that a game of hide & seek in the woods would be fun…
Prisoner 2:Hide & seek eh…
Guard: Oh yes, (Laughs) he said that he was counting & that I was to hide. (Laughs) He left me in the woods three days before I realised that he was only joking & that he hadn't been looking for me at all (Laughs)!
Silence
Prisoner 2:How about a game of hide & seek.
Prisoner 1: (Catching on) Yeah, come on it'll be a laugh!
Guard:Ok, (Unlocks them) Right who's counting?
Prisoner 2:I will. You go & hide.
Guard goes into a corner & ducks down, covering his face. Prisoners run off.
Guard:Are you counting, hello… hello… they're probably looking for me, gone off to the wrong end of the prison, over the hills & far away (Laughs), over the hi… (Realises) oh no!