Must be Tuesday
Room spinning from the last rush of chemicals that are slowly killing my brain (Sorry Daddy, I'm not an A student anymore) reading some happy ending lesbian novel which I know could never come true. "Girls love easily there" in books, that is, "that's their purpose".
But I am not a book. I'm just another one of those not crap/not special forgotten teenagers, lost to the world for being average (like the middle child of society).
And after a day of sun, it's finally started to rain. The sky pisses down on my streets, (my world) and yet,
It's still hot out.
The heat brings up my sweaty shame and I run flustered back home to my bed (like the beast returning to it's cage).
On my way (while my temples pulse from my 'medicine'), I see a friend of mine.
Not really. Just one of those people you have to get along with just because you have to see them so often. She's kissing her boyfriend up against the Church wall and gives be a wink as I pass by.
So here I am (I think this is where I started) on my bed, room spinning, watching the blurry watercolour world of my life wink at me and pass me by.
I'm crashed out, high, but miserable comparing how fat my body is to how crap my life is. ("I could plot it on a graph, negative correlation.") wondering whether deliberate bulimia or suicide would be the best solution. And there's a certain familiarity to the whole feeling of self-doubt/hatred that I simply think
it must be Tuesday.
"It must be Tuesday" is a line from a Buffy episode ("Once More With Feeling" Season 6).
And "Girls love easily there…that's their point." Is from the awesome novel Fingersmith by Sarah Waters (which I am rereading for the 5th time.)
I was trying to convey something about routine depression. I know that I personally get depressed at the same times every week sometimes. So it's about routine and jut a glimpse at somebody's day but with a sense of familiarity that this happens regularly.
But mostly I went through a really bad stage today and this was a really good distraction for me. But now it's finished so…I'm just going to crawl back into my self-loathing.
Please review. I hope it's not too whiney.
Luv R x x x