Faster, faster, too fast
No way to stop it
I can feel it drowning me
Losing control faster and faster
Finally no way to think
Mind gone, left,
She's a long way away
While I'm in the handicap stall
Crouched tight on the floor
Head connecting to wall
Over, over, over, do it again
More, more, more, don't stop
Red haze covers blind eyes
There is no sense of pain
Rhythm hides the voices
Able to ignore the failure
"Brandy? Are you in here?" Nikki.
No name recognition, no change
"Is that you, Brandy?" Kari.
No acknowledgement, nothing but rhythm, punishment
Door flies open, Kari rushes in
Her hands on my head "Stop! Brandy!"
No! No! No! Not finished!
Never break cycle! Mustn't! Never!
Nikki, immobile and wide-eyed
Kari calm, strong, "Brandy, stop. Right now."
I'm more powerful when she is gone
I release from Kari's grip as she looks on
"Brandy, stop, stop." Kari calls
Far away, as always no escape
It was ending, subsiding
As quickly as it had begun
The blur becomes shapes, faces
"Stop." Kari taking me away from the wall
Body stops fighting
Suddenly becomes limp
taptaptap (knuckle on floor)
Falling into Kari's arms
Strangely starting to cry
When there's no rhythm, no blood
The horrid tears will flow
Everything around me crumbles
Heavy over my body
Caught up in my chest
Wishing the tears would stop
Wiping eyes, trying to breathe
"Come on, stand up," Kari says.
I can't talk, voice still gone
The crumbling world shifting through my hands
Kari and Nikki attempting to piece the fragments back together, a hopeless feat
"Nikki, hand me a wet paper towel please."
To me, "Stop that, your mascara is already running, let me fix it."
"Come on, let's get out of this stall."
Pulling away with a short cry, I want to sit down again
Rubbing my eyes, forcing a breath
"Stop! Now I've gotta fix your mascara again!" Kari.
"Are you okay?" Nikki finally speaks, touches me gently
Then pulls back, as if I've burned her just on contact.
I try to look up at her, constant blinking
"Come on, let's go. We need to get back."
Yanking me out of the stall, the main door opens, a quick glimpse of flower pattern
"Oh God, it's Allison!!!" Flinging back into the stall, hiding in the corner
First words I've said, caught Kari by surprise, she lets go
I wipe away the remaining tears, force the smile, put on the mask
Mustn't let her see me cry, turn around, come out strong, with dignity
Running to me, little arms opening wide, grabbing me into a hug
"You were so great Brandy!!!" Blissful scream, "Spectacular!!!"
Beaming eyes, "I'm so proud of you!"
The pain is so intense. A 3 yr old leading me to tears, something new
"Thanks sweety," My voice cracking like a dying frog. I set her down.
Sunglasses over eyes, I push Kari and Nikki away
Walking outside, no jacket, open-toed high-heeled shoes
There is fresh snow falling, everything's so cold, I freeze for 20 min, head throbbing
Crawling into bed, knowing I will never stop being cold, silent, in pain, alone
A perfect ending to a perfect talent show