Author's Note: Yes. I adapted the title from the Tyler Perry movie. Even if you are of another race, I think you could get something from the movie. I was inspired to write this partly because of my other biographical work, "Being Fat", however I was more inspired by a similar work written by AmoreConquistaTutto. After reading her really interesting work named after the movie, "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", I got the notion that I'd like to get out the other side of that equation. Thus, "Diary of a Mad Black Man" was born into existence. These things that I'm gonna be writing about are just things I've picked up on in the past and stuff that's going on right now. Feel free to express your opinion (REVEIWS, that is!). I want the unadulterated truth, so flame me if you will. We still have free speech, as far as I'm aware of. Thanks! R/R, if it's not too much, I really would like your opinions on the piece.

WARNING: If you're a fan of Stephanie Meyer or her books, DON'T READ THIS. If you read it anyway, please be aware that this is all my own personal opinion, which I am more than entitled to. Don't like it? Tough titties.

What follows is an unabashedly mean-spirited sporking of Stephaine Meyer and the Twilight series. You have been warned.

No, Bitch, You Don't Dazzle Me: My Obsessive Hate of Stephanie Meyer and the 'Twilight' Series.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, and I know I'm about to throw myself into a pit of vipers, but fuck me if I don't give a damn anymore. I'm about to go the fuck off of Stephanie "SIF" Meyer and the shitty excuse for a series of novels she lovingly refers to as her 'cash cow'… I mean, the 'Twilight Saga'.

This is going to have spoilers, I'm pretty sure. Not that I fucking care if I spoil this garbage for you or not. It's already spoilt enough.

I have so much unbridled, rage-fueled hatred towards this series, I don't even know how to structure an informal discussional essay framing all of my biggest hang-ups with it. I almost want to just post a list of expletives…That would pretty much sum up my feelings in the clearest way possible. I guess if I'm going to do this with any sort of order, it would be best for me to start at the beginning of it all…when I first became aware of the series.

One of my best friends in the entire world, Jamie, was introduced to the series (which was generating a fair amount of buzz at the time) by a mutual friend of ours named Molly. We all were in choir together and were a pretty amicable group. Not tight, but friendly enough to where it wasn't horrifically uncomfortable being in their presence. Anyway, Molly recommended the series to Jamie and lent her the first two books, if I'm not mistaken. She tore through Twilight in a matter of a day or two. I watched her do it. And then she went smack-dab into New Moon (the second book in the god-awful series) and…well…something about New Moon set her off and sent her into a fit of sobbing. Having experienced similar situations stemming from reading (Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows especially), I thought that 1.) these books MUST be something if they could illicit such a profound and pronounced response and 2.) maybe there was something to a story about sparkling vampires after all.

In retrospect, I should have known better. Jamie herself warned me not to look into it. She said it was like crack…Similar to the way a lot of people talk about WoW. Then again, Jamie has this thing (that I really rather envy) where she'll be focused on something and that's all she's about until she's exhausted her interest in it… What I took to be a profound response was really a reaction to S.Meyer playing on Jamie's emotions (like me, she has certian sensitivities). Of course, I didn't find out any of this until much later.

So, being the curious little scamp I am, I decided to check out this series by giving it the 'One Page/ One Chapter Test.' Usually, for me to know whether or not I'm going to enjoy a book or not, I need to be able to make it through the first chapter (or preferably first page) without losing interest or wanting to claw my eyes out. That's how I got into Harry Potter… I do, of course, realize this won't work for everything-- especially anything written by JRR Tolkien, but I digress…

I found the book at a local book store, turned it over and gave the back cover info a quick scan, and then cracked it open to begin the test. I got to one particular sentence-- I'll never forget it-- and knew that none of me could have ANY of this series (at least not in actual book form).

"My carry-on item was a parka."

Really? Really?! REALLY?! Did we reeeeally need to know about perfect Bella's beautiful and special parka? Did it dazzle her chagrin while it murmured sweet incandescent whispers into her perfectly curved ear? What the hell did that have to do with anything? I knew, from that moment on, that I was in for a battle of will, patience, and annoyance. Twilight was blowing up and yet the author, a thirty-something year old Mormon mother of three, had all of the writing talent of a prepubescent middle school girl. With Asperger's.

There are so many things WRONG with this series, I don't even know what I hate the most.

The way it rips off other vampire-centric franchises that do it so much better than she ever could…

The way that Twilight is nothing more than a glorified 'self-insert' fic…

The way S.Meyer tries WAAAAY too hard to make her characters hip and cool and modern…

The way S.Meyer portrays her characters…

The way that Bella's entire existence is the antitheses to the themes of female empowerment…

The way that Edward is the most disgustingly chauvinistic, pedo-tastic Gary-Stu in all of creation…

The way that every female in the series seems to, at one point or another, dote on the thought of children and family…

The way that Jacob goes from being somewhat cool to incredibly disgustingly douchetastic to somewhat cool again to instant pedophile…

The way that apparently love is not about caring for each other, but manipulating each other through power games and trickery…

The way that 'Imprinting' works…

The way that Twilight fans can't seem to get it through their heads that not everybody is in love with S.Meyer and her shit-tastic series and that people have the full right to do so…

The way that S.Meyer is a simpering, arrogant idiot…

Basically, everything about this series makes my blood boil, my stomach turn, and my hairs curl. Saying that I hate it is an understatement at this point. It's developed into this obsession that I just can't stop fixating on because it's everywhere and it's fucking stupid. It's awful, awful, awful with a double scoop of CRAP. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

So, yeah… After Jamie's ordeal with the series, my curiosity still could not be swayed (even after knowing what possibly lay ahead of me in terms of purple prose and awkward phrasing). I ended up borrowing internet copies of the books from an online friend, just to skim them…Heaven knows I wasn't about to read that shit. And it only got worse.

I decided that I wanted to try from the beginning again, only now swearing to only skim and get the rest of the gist by proxy. Which I did. I went through Twilight, laughing my ass off at how corny and horribly it was written…Then I went through Eclipse, which was even more nauseating…

Here's a "Bitch Break": WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, EDWARD CULLEN?! Why the fuck would anyone find this miserable toe-rag attractive? He's possessive, jealous, and stalker-tastic. What the hell kind of insecure loser of a guy mandates and monitors their girlfriend's every move? I'll tell you who: the kind of dipshits that end up on The Maury Povitch Show, that's what kind.

NOTHING about Edward and Bella's 'relationship' is healthy and or attractive. It just isn't.

I mean, unless you're a girl longing for that first taste of love before you even know what the hell it is…

Oh well, back to the issue at hand…

New Moon was bullshit, but it wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. I had no idea what horrors awaited me in later installments.

So, after New Moon came Eclipse. And I won't even go into the retardation of literary devices there. This is just fuckery in all tenses of the word. Intentionally endangering yourself just to hear your prickish, 100-something year old fucking father-figure ass fake vampire boyfriend's moody, deadpan voice? Yeah, bitch, you crazy.

It's at this point that, again, I wonder what the fuck S.Meyer was smoking when she concocted this convoluted, stupendously stupid plot. Eddie's whole plan was to 'reveal' himself in Italy as a sparkling Pretty Princess…My question is, if you go to school like teenagers (IN THE DAYTIME) and no one's noticed you sparkling then, how the hell would this be any different? I didn't read too closely, were there any mentions of sun-block or anything during this whole travesty of a series?

Another thing: the Twi-Verse version of the vampire is fucking DUMB. Interesting idea, maybe, but horribly executed. Venom? Marble-hard skin? They look like walking death? They fucking sparkle? WHY?!

And are people aware of the Twi-Verse version of the vampire? What good would it do to reveal your dazzling dangly bits in the daytime if nobody around you knows what the fuck it means? It could just be amazing body glitter…Who the fuck knows? That's another one for the list: S.Meyer trivialized and almost single-handedly RUINED vampires for the generation of readers partaking in her series. Real vampires aren't Dawson's Creek rejects with stupid back-stories, zero depth, and issues with sparkling body parts. Real vampires rip out fucking throats. That's what I'm accustomed to. That's how I like my vamps. And I'm not saying you can't revise the legend…rework things in a different way. If you can do it and do it well? More power to you. Otherwise, don't bother.

Oh, and time for anoter random "Bitch Break": S.Meyer, keep your grubby fucking hands off of Muse, Linkin Park, Blue October, My Chemical Romance, and Coldplay. LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE, YOU WANNABE HIPSTER SCUM.

On second thought, you can have Coldplay back, but make mention of My Chem again and I will personally hunt you down and gut you like a trout.

Now, back to the 'Saga'…if you can call terribly sue-ish fic worthy of such a title.

Where were we? Oh, yes. Breaking Dawn.

Breaking Dawn…is kind of special to me. For a couple of reasons…

1.) It actually seemed to spark some dissention within the ranks of the Twi-Minions (the most dedicated and scary of fan girls…and boys, presumably)

2.) It actually delivered some interesting things, story-wise, that I kinda enjoyed. Bella finally getting told the fuck off…Jacob having an active voice… Seth being all cute and cuddly…Leah being kind of badass…Alice in general….That deliciously violent birthing scene…

So delicious. But, that aside, it's a Twilight book. S.Meyer wrote it. It's obviously going to suck balls, and not in a good way.

Everything from abnormally aging Sue-tastic Renesmee (what the fuck is that name?), otherwise revoltingly known as "Nessie", to the 100 or so unnecessary pages of fuck-all involving Bella being 'the bezt vampiyah EVUR' and the completely useless Volturi. HATED it. I was expecting an epic battle, hopefully one that would thin the ranks of the Cullen clan and end with someone holding Bella's still-beating heart clinched tightly in their fists… But, alas, no such luck.

Basically, it's a bunch of ill-advised deus ex machinas strung together arbitrarily with some spots of comparative brightness in between. I'll put it this way: My least favorite Harry Potter character outranks my favorite Twilight character…and typing those last four words was a painful experience, I'll have you know.

But, yeah. En todo, it was shit from beginning to end. It makes me vehemently angry to think that people have stuck through all of this nonsense and have fallen in love with it… Still, part of me thinks it's nice that people are at least reading again…I just wish they weren't reading garbage.

So… What next? Well, if S.Meyer had had her way, it would have been Midnight Sun, basically Eclipse told from Edward's point of view…so basically the same damn book with two or three changes. No thank you.

But the first twelve chapters of her new shit-tastic venture was 'leaked' GASP online as of August 28, 2008!

Please, tell me you realize this is a pathetic PR attempt to sucker people into buying this rehashed bullshit when she pushes this crap-terpiece out at some later date.

The following, for your viewing displeasure, is a letter issued by the infamous fucktard herself posted on her official website on the day in question (my commentary will be presented in boldface font):

August 28, 2008 (part II)

As some of you may have heard, my partial draft of Midnight Sun was illegally posted on the Internet and has since been virally distributed without my knowledge or permission or the knowledge or permission of my publisher.

I have a good idea of how the leak happened as there were very few copies of Midnight Sun that left my possession and each was unique. Due to little changes I made to the manuscript at different times, I can tell when each left my possession and to whom it was given. The manuscript that was illegally distributed on the Internet was given to trusted individuals for a good purpose. I have no comment beyond that as I believe that there was no malicious intent with the initial distribution.

Allow me to interrupt. The magnificent J.K. Rowling, who you will NEVER be, managed to keep the last chapters of Harry Potter a secret for a damn decade or more, but you couldn't seem to keep tabs of your shitty fucking manuscripts? Kiss my ass, cuntface.

I'm a little sad about the whole HP Lexicon ordeal, yeah, but Jo is still infinitely better in every sense of the word than you.

I did not want my readers to experience Midnight Sun before it was completed, edited and published. I think it is important for everybody to understand that what happened was a huge violation of my rights as an author, not to mention me as a human being.

Bitch, your writing these fucking atrocious bits of hyped-up toilet paper fodder violates me! Both as a prospective author and as a human being. Your little victim act doesn't fool me, you self-important cow. You released that shit yourself and you're getting off on all of the 'love' (ie, obsessive stalkertastic behavior) of your fans. Enjoying those care packages and your millions and millions of dollars?

As the author of the Twilight Saga, I control the copyright and it is up to the owner of the copyright to decide when the books should be made public; this is the same for musicians and filmmakers. Just because someone buys a book or movie or song, or gets a download off the Internet, doesn't mean that they own the right to reproduce and distribute it.

Unfortunately, with the Internet, it is easy for people to obtain and share items that do not legally belong to them. No matter how this is done, it is still dishonest. This has been a very upsetting experience for me, but I hope it will at least leave my fans with a better understanding of copyright and the importance of artistic control.

You fucking conceited skag. First of all, Twilight is about as much a Saga as much as Tokio Hotel are a group of Traveling Minstrels. Choke on a dick.

Secondly, the leak could only have occurred if you ALLOWED it to. So shut the fuck up with that bullshit and kick rocks.

So where does this leave Midnight Sun? My first feeling was that there was no way to continue. Writing isn't like math; in math, two plus two always equals four no matter what your mood is like. With writing, the way you feel changes everything. If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die, which wouldn't dovetail too well with the original story. In any case, I feel too sad about what has happened to continue working on Midnight Sun, and so it is on hold indefinitely.

Boo Fucking Hoo and I wish. There's no way you aren't going to finish putting the spit shine on this train wreck and pushing that polished turd out sometime soon. You live for this shit and you live for the money it makes you. You're an attention-whore, just like your one-dimensional characters that have made you a fortune. I'm completely convinced that this, like everything else you've ever done, is a poorly conceived PR stunt to keep buzz generated about your terrible series.

And if you know as much about math as you do writing, those millions will be kaput in a matter of years. At least I sincerely hope so.

James should win. The Cullens should die. That's what should have happened all along to spare the world the pain of having to put up with your angst-ridden teen drama fest and your blatant sue-ing of your self-allegoric character.

Now, if only you felt too sad to live…

I'd rather my fans not read this version of Midnight Sun.

Smartest thing you've ever said. Just change "this version of Midnight Sun" to "anything I've ever written".

It was only an incomplete draft; the writing is messy and flawed and full of mistakes.

IRONY. By this logic, sugar, the four other books in the 'series' were incomplete drafts as well. Fucking stupid asshole.

But how do I comment on this violation without driving more people to look for the illegal posting? It has taken me a while to decide how and if I could respond. But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here (at the end of this message on the Midnight Sun page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest. I hope this fragment gives you further insight into Edward's head and adds a new dimension to the Twilight story. That's what inspired me to write it in the first place.

What inspired you to write in the first place? From what I gathered it was a fucked up dream that you probably had while you were on uppers and being ass-raped by your husband.

And thanks for proving that this is indeed a PR stunt. Why would you freely give out copies of a manuscript you're 'abandoning' just so your fans can 'stay honest'? Take your unjustly inflated ego, brainlessly convoluted sense of morality, and horribly subpar writing 'skillz' and get the fuck out of reality. NOW.

The way you treat your fans is deplorable. Buck up or shut up, bitch.

I do want to take a moment and thank the wonderful fans who have been so supportive of me over the past three years.

Bitch, I only found out about you this year. And I generally hear about books. Movies, music, maybe not so much…but books? Definitely. Unless you've sold your batshitcrazy Mormon soul to some Pagan god in exchange for fiscal success in the last year, I have no idea where the fuck you've come from.

And by "supportive", are you talking about those fucking ridiculous "quilts", support messages, and care packages you've been receiving lately? If so, you need to die. You need to die and it needs to be painful…Preferably something involving a wooden stake piercing your sternum.

I cannot begin to tell you how much each of you means to me. I only hope this note will stop all the confusion and online speculation so that the Twilight universe can once again become the happy escape it used to be. After this incredibly busy year, I am now focusing on spending more time with my family and working on some other writing projects.


Listen here, bitch. Unless those new "writing projects" are drafts of your suicide letter, don't even fucking bother. Do the world a favor and fade quietly into obscurity. Handle the millions you've made quite carefully, because in the wake of the horror that was Twilight, no one but the ill-informed legions of literal and mental 13 year old girls will ever read anything else you publish.

In short, I hate you with nearly every fiber of my being and I've NEVER hated someone I don't know nearly this much. It's insane, but it's real. I HATE you.

You know what? I ain't even done. I've got more, and I'm going to get it AAAAAAAAAALL out. This is my catharsis on this issue.

The following is taken from a blog by contributor Kellen Rice. It's actually the second of a few she's written on the subject, but this one is just…It's bloody perfect, so I'm going to use it to help construct the rest of my thoughts on how much I DESPISE Twilight. The bits that are all me will be boldface.

How to Write a Bestseller Just Like Twilight:

1. Abuse the thesaurus (correct word usage optional; purple prose is a must). If you want to 'spice up' your writing so that it sounds just like Meyer's, a handy thesaurus is key. Then you too can write glorious and dazzling (and dazzlingly glorious) passages like the following:

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

If you do not have at least three modifiers for every noun, you're doing it wrong. Some authors like George Orwell (1984, Animal Farm) have rules like "Never use a long word where a short one will do" and "If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out", but since Stephenie Meyer is apparently the golden standard for writing young adult literature these days, it's probably best to ignore Orwell and follow her example instead.

Bonus points if you use the same modifier multiple times in close proximity of one another. Good examples of words to use this way include "chagrin", "murmured", and "chuckled".

S.Meyer, quite simply, does not know how to write. It's not that I don't get her 'style'…it's that she lacks any of the barebones basics of any style whatsoever. Calling her style 'generic' or 'mediocre' is being far too kind, in my opinion. Implying she has a 'style' at all is pushing it for me.

Other than whiny, nonsensical teenage angst, she has no writer's voice. She blindly affixes adverbs and adjectives onto every line haphazardly, trying to stretch the most out of her threadbare sentences as she possibly can. It all goes to purpling her prose, making it read more as a self-interested fantasy romp (which, by the way, it most certainly IS) than something meant to be read, interpreted, and enjoyed by others. She confessed, after all, that she wrote the books for herself. If only she'd kept them that way.

There is no recognizable cadence, no hallmarks to make note of-- other than horribly unfunny moments of 'humor', and no semblance of a significant blueprint to the way she constructs a story. It's all over the place and it's horrid.

One of my problems with Twilight is that it feels story-less. It's all longing stares and petty drama. Not until the latter part of the series does any kind of plot even make an appearance, and even then it's like an afterthought. It's poorly envisioned, poorly written, and comes across as a lazy attempt at a 'saga'.

The fact that she often uses words repeatedly, in close proximity of each other, and sometimes not even using the correct usage of the word ('nattering', for instance) makes her look like even more of an untalented hack. Any good writer knows that redundancy is never good…Well, unless it's on done with a purpose. Also, a good writer knows how to pick up a goddamn dictionary and READ the definitions of words they aren't sure about. Using spell check isn't enough, S.Meyer. Sorry.

The writing is beneath even the calibur of someone featured here (FictionPress), FanFiction-dot-net, or even LiveJournal. It's monotonious and tries too hard in it's meticulousness to sound educated.

Because I'm an evil bastard, let's take this time to share some of the my favorite retarded ass quotes from the Twilight series, shall we? Y'know...other than, "My carry-on item was a parka."


--Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose...


--Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven — now fifty-eight — students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home.

Oh, wow. New girl from a big city moves to a small town and hates it? Never heard that one before...

--My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief.

No. Seriously.

--They were two girls, one a porcelain-colored blonde, the other also pale, with light brown hair. At least my skin wouldn't be a standout here.

What the flying fuck? 'Porcelain' colored blonde? That's a new one...and there's a good reason I've never read it anywhere else. It's fucking stupid.

And what's wrong with your skin, Bella? Do you perchance sparkle in direct sunlight?

Of course, special beautiful Bella would think she's the only one in existence with fair skin...

--He gawked at me when he saw my name — not an encouraging response — and of course I flushed tomato red. But at least he sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they

managed. I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything.

This little tidbit makes me angry enough to kill. If Bella had ever taken a peak at anything written by a Bronte (any of them. There was certainly more than one and there ARE two big ones, y'know. Charlotte and Emily ring any bells?) she couldn't possibly have ended up as the complete insult to all womankind that she was. Maybe if she had added Austen to the her 'impressive' (read: poser alert) list of literary interests, perhaps she wouldn't have been such a fucking 'damsel in distress'. Not cool.

Also, how does someone as fair as Bella supposedly is blush 'tomatto red'. That's fucking stupid.

--When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me.

"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.

"Bella," I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me.

"Where's your next class?" he asked.

I had to check in my bag. "Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six."

There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes.

Yes, because Bella is beautiful and rare beyond compare. People can't help but look at you. It's not that people tend to have an interest in the 'new kid', oh no. Not at all.

I just love how Bella is automatically the center of everyone's universe.

I'm pretty sure they were all wondering why a remedial student such as yourself was attending regular classes, you disgusting literary shit stain, you.

And "skin problems and hair black as oil slick" sounds convoluted and stupid. How hard would it have been to say "slight acne problems and greasy, black hair"?

--They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me.

Talking to the new kid, especially someone as obviously Special (read: retarded) as Bella, takes a lot of bravery. She deserves to be knighted for such courage.

--Strange, unpopular names, I thought.

Yeeeah, because no one has ever been named Edward, Emmett, Jasper, or Alice. But Isabella "Bella" Swan, that's a common name. Bitch, get bent.

--I sat at the old square oak table in one of the three unmatching chairs and examined his small kitchen, with its dark paneled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor…

Because we REALLY need that much information about the kitchen. Look, you're writing a book, not roleplaying, hun.

--The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling at top volume.

I'm pretty sure everybody knows what the hell an engine sounds like...

-- "That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes.

"Sour grapes", S.Meyer? Are you in your thirties or your ninties? And I thought Bella was, what, seventeen?

Oh, and did it never occur to anyone that Edward might like 'teh kawk'? A century-or-so year old virgin? Yeah.

--Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while;that was nattering.

That word doesn't mean what you think it means, sugar. Nattering means chatter, not annoying. You meant to write, "that was StephanieMeyer-ing."

-- Stupid, shiny Volvo owner...

Read out of context, this is pretty lulzy...But, yeah.

Besides, I originally read it as 'stupid, shiny vulva owner'...

--I was showing off, just a little. I'd already done this lab

Well, of course you have. You're Bella-Fucking-Swan. You've read through the entire freshman English corriculum of a university student, you've done everything that can be done in a Biology class, and you can probably recite the enitre history of the world from memory... Why the fuck are you in high school again?!

--"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."

SWEET JEEBUS, THE IRONY. Wonder what position she took...?

--I had a small collection of books that came with me to Forks, the shabbiest volume being a compilation of the works of Jane Austen.

Well, fuck me. Of course you've read Austen. You're fucking Bella Swan... BITCH! I WILL CUT YOU.


--I stared at his face in profound relief, relief that went beyond my sudden deliverance. I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.

I don't care if this is in the right place in the book, I just thought I'd share with you just how fucking STUPID it is.

--He stared into my eyes, and I saw how light his eyes were, lighter than I'd ever seen them, golden butterscotch.

This is, I am certain, the third time his eyes have been described as some sort of butterscotch. That's it. SOMEONE EAT HIS EYES!!

--Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

This entire passage is such a huge case of WTFuckery, I don't even know what to say. Vampires DO NOT fucking sparkle. At least they shouldn't. Sparkling isn't scary. It's not even impressive. It's kind of, for lack of a better term, gay (as in a very male homosexual thing to do; sparkle). This explaination of him doesn't make Edward sound any kind of appealing. It'd be like fucking a popsicle. EPIC DO-NOT-WANT.

--"Do I dazzle you?"


Gag me with a fucking spoon.

There are infinitely more quotes to rag on here, but I don't have the time or the patience to sift through this muck any further. Let's move on to the next cracktastic peice of dung.


--I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.

My ass, you have. What about those 'blank months'? Hmm? I thought so. Bitch.

--Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement.

No, Bella. You're just a stupid cunt. How the fuck can their be words that are unfamiliar to the mega-genius Bella Fucking Swan? Doesn't the bitch allegedly know everything about everything?

And just because you're a 'girl' doesn't mean you can't enjoy 'guy' things, and vice versa. I have plenty of girl friends who love cars and shit, and I enjoy fashion. It's not an insane concept, dumbass.

--"Yeah," he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. "He looks at me like he's waiting for something. . . like I'm going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it."

I hate it, too, Bella. I wish everyone would forget you exist, too.

--As I began to loosen my grip, I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boy standing next to me. "This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," the velvet voice fumed.

...You stupid fucking cow (that's for both Bella AND S.Meyer). Yeah, mock-suicide is totally acceptable when trying to win back your dick of a vampire boyfriend.

Also, velvet? Fuming? Contradiction much, sugar?

--I was like a lost moon--my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation--that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

What a strong example this character sets for female empowerment. Yeah, and I'm a Right-Winged Republican. Fucking DIE, S.MEYER!

Again, further proving that Bella is not only a melodramatic halfwit, but a complete affront to womankind. NO WOMAN IS AN ACCESORY. NO WOMAN IS A MOON TO NO MAN'S PLANET! GODDAMNIT!! It makes me want to drop kick an infant (named 'Nessie').

--I sighed. "You shouldn't waste your time on me," I said, though I wanted him to.

Passive-Aggresive? Check. Manipulative? Check. Stupid as all fuck? DOUBLE CHECK.

--"Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"

Oh, Jay-CUB. I used to like you before all the date rape and pedophillia.

Maybe she's just not into Furries. Try sparkling. Apparently chicks (without brains) like that.

--"I wasn't supposed to tell you our secret, for one thing, but the other part is that it's not safe for you. If I get too mad. . . too upset. . . you might get hurt."


--Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn't some kind of tradition forming.

Unless you've just changed your name from 'Bella Fucking Swan' to 'Harry Potter', don't count on it, sweet-cheeks.

--She complained lightly about the increase in the boys' appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them. It wasn't hard to be with her--after all, we were both wolf girls now.

Don't you just love how Bella's entire existence hinges on who she's kinda-sorta-dating at the moment?

What a classic literary heroine. DIE, BITCH.

--Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?

1. Bitch, I will CUT you (much worse than a paper cut) if you EVER mention Edward Goddamn Cullen in the same breath as Romeo ever again.

2. Yes, let's use an innocent guy with genuine feelings to serve as a stand in for our twoo luv until his untimely return. That's not a stupid fucking cunt move at all….Except that it is.

--She rolled her eyes. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy."

Thank you, Alice, for both sounding strangely like a Saturday morning cartoon villain and telling it like it is at the exact same time. That's talent, dear. That's talent.

--I snorted in disgust. "I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!

Take the plunge and finally become 'an heroine'? God, if only…

--"Actually, Bella. . . " She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."

As wrong as that is, it could have been hot.

And more kudos for Alice for once again calling it as she sees it. Too bad she can't always be the go-to character for 'quality' one-liners.

--"I love a happy ending." Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story." ... "Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?"

Knowing how batshitcrazy murderous and conniving this dude (Aro) is in retrospect almost makes me kind of like him. Still, yeah, this is vomit inducing.

--Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours.

Does Marcus also enjoy 'the kawk'? I'm betting on 'FUCK YEAH, SON!'.

Needless to say (but I will anyway), STUPID FUCKING POWER, S.MEYER.

-- "I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested.

Okay, maybe Alice CAN keep dishing out the one-liners.

--You could mean it. . . now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

Take note. This is one of the EXTREMELY rare moments where ridiculous Sue Bella actually makes some semblance of sense. Too bad this moment of clarity didn't take hold.

Also, Edward being angry at her not believing him is beyond lulzy. I mean, he only just told her a lie that had her suicidal for SIX MONTHS. Gotta love the passive-aggressive "I was protecting you" emo-nonsense borderline abuse.

--"Shh," I interrupted him. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."

That's not an epiphany, Bella. That's a brain-fart. Apparently, your entire existence is one of those.

What follows is a logic so fucking contrived that I won't even bother SPEAKING about it, suffice it to say that Bella, at all of eighteen years old, is ready to DIE but not ready to commit to marrying the guy she would literally kill herself for. Huh.

--"If you stay, I don't need heaven."

And yet it was Harry Potter books being burnt in protest by fundamentalist evangelical fucktards. Oh, the fucking irony. IT BURNS.

--I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after? I

In your womb, Bellz. In your womb. Just you wait, Jay-CUB get's his own special little someone soon enough.

Well, that's enough of that shit. Let's move on to even WORSE.


--Ever since my former best friend (and werewolf), Jacob Black, had informed on me about the motorcycle I'd been riding on the sly--a betrayal he had devised in order to get me grounded so that I couldn't spend time with my boyfriend (and vampire), Edward Cullen...

Fuck me with the Stupid Stick. You are a clusterfuck of a woman, S.Meyer. You really are.

--Well, I hope you're smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish. Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff."

It startles me how oblivious Bella appears to be. If she can write about possible misogyny in Shakespeare and argue that the main characters' of Wuthering Heights relationship was unhealthy and flawed (which she attributes to the female lead), how can she not see that a similar situation is playing out between her hideous vamp dude and herself?

--"And speaking of Italy and sports cars that I stole there, you still owe me a yellow Porsche."

I won't lie. I kind of like how absurd and 'badass' Alice is.

--"You know, Jacob, you're awfully self-righteous--considering that you're a werewolf and all."

First of all, bitch, you've no right to call anyone else self-righteous. Even if they do exist in the same fucked world you do. That's the pot calling the Jay-CUB Black. (I made a funny.)

Also, make up your fucking mind. Quit stringing people along, H0R.

--It's hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration.

Because, heaven forbid you have a say in who you love.

This reminds me about that 'Imprinting' bullshit. What the fuck is that about? If you 'Imprint' on someone, they have no say in the matter? They're automatically yours? Fuck that noise.

You know what, I can't even keep this up. I feel like punching a kitten in the face. Let's just skip to the most recent fucktarded crap-terpieces Mrs. Meyer has squeezed out recently...


To get you up to speed, by now Edward and Bella have 'wed', making Bella Fucking Swan officially Bella Fucking Swan-Goddamn-Cullen. Let's catch up with them all now, shall we?

--"Why am I covered in feathers?" I asked, confused.

He exhaled impatiently. "I bit a pillow. Or two. That's not what I'm talking about."

"You . . . bit a pillow? Why?"

Edward is a sparkly pillow-biter. That's...Yeah. No joke needed, right?

This little sequence happens after the two newlywed love-birds enjoy their very first romp in the sack. Let's read SUM MOAR...

--"Look, Bella!" he almost growled. He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched my arm out. "Look at that."

This time, I saw what he meant.

Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear.

While it's kind of cool and somewhat well done how Bella took Peaches advice and 'fucked the pain away', I still don't find it amusing that such allusions to abuse are drawn so...favorably? in these books.

--"That," I snapped. "That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."

SO! BELLA IS A PSYCHIC VAMPIRE (don't know what that is, look it up)?! That explains so much.

LOL Bella being 'high' off of vampire sex. I find it hilarious that she is now technically a necrophiliac.

Nevermind the being married at 18.

--"No," I managed to choke out. "No, Edward. I'm trying to tell you that my period is five days late."

And that's when I knew the proverbial shit had hit da muthafuckin' fan, y'all.

-- I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world, but I wasn't an idiot. I'd seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this wasn't how it worked. I was only five days late. If I was pregnant, my body wouldn't even have registered that fact. I would not have morning sickness. I would not have changed my eating or sleeping habits. And I most definitely would not have a small but defined bump sticking out between my hips.

Oh, but it only gets BETAR...

--"What did Carlisle say?" I asked impatiently.

Edward answered in a lifeless voice. "He thinks you're pregnant."

Lifeless. Eh-heh. Was that attempt at punny humor, S.Meyer? Or like everything else, was that a complete accident?

Also, let me emphasize that dead dudes usually don't produce sperm. Especially if they've been dead over a century.

--"Sounds like somebody's hit the terrible twos."

"Threes actually," Quil corrected. "You missed the party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown, and then Emily suggested they all try out her new play makeup on me."

... The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn't have that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing—the when-is-naptime? face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I'd seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour straight without getting bored. And I couldn't even make fun of him for it—I envied him too much.

Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monk-i-tude ahead of him until Claire was his age—for Quil, at least, it was a good thing werewolves didn't get older. But even all that time didn't seem to bother him much.

Remember that 'imprinting' shit I was ranting about earlier? Yeah. This is one of the preiminent examples of such a disgusting relationship. Quil is fourteen, I believe. Claire, as I'm sure you've read, is three at the time of this. Apparently, they are destined to be together and Claire gets absolutely no say in the matter. Huh.

Also, Quil and Claire are named after characters featured in Lolita. Ew.

Later, in book two of Breaking Dawn (written from Jay-CUB's point of view) Edward apparently suggests sharing Bella...

--I couldn't think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.

So tempting.

Now if S.Meyer could pull that off, I'd totally read it. But only if the sharring occured at once and there was some Jay-Cub/Edward going on in this little MMF pairing...

Let me take the time to share with you some of the cuteness of Seth Clearwater, because S.Meyer's failure isn't completely complete. Very close, though.

-- I'll run the border, Jake. I'm not tired at all. Seth was so glad I hadn't forced them home, he was all but prancing with excitement.

Seth sounds like an adorable puppy with a 'Seth Cohen' personality. Oh wait. I think I just realized where his personality comes from.

--And then he was howling. Oh, man! No way! You did not! That just plain ol' sucks rocks, Jacob! And you know it, too! I can't believe you told Edward you'd kill him. What is that? You have to tell him no.

See how adorably spastic he is? I just want to pet him and rub his tummy...

--(Seth:) There's nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn't the most normal situation.

(Jacob:) Shut up, please, Seth.

(Seth:) Shutting.


Now back to the suckage.

--"The fetus isn't compatible with her body. Too strong, for one thing, but she could probably endure that for a while. The bigger problem is that it won't allow her to get the sustenance she needs. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I'm trying to feed her intravenously, but she's just not absorbing it. Everything about her condition is accelerated. I'm watching her—and not just her, but the fetus as well—starve to death by the hour. I can't stop it and I can't slow it down. I can't figure out what it wants." His weary voice broke at the end.

It's a fucking impossible, fast-growing vampire baby. I can't imagine what it wants...It couldn't be blood, could it? /sarcasm.

--And then Carlisle and the psycho in question Rosalie were there. Carlisle had a white plastic cup in his hand—the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh—not clear; now I got it.

Because blood makes Bella faint like a pathetic parody of an actual woman.

--(Leah): I'm... I'm menopausal. I'm twenty years old and I'm menopausal.

Why is it that every female in this series is fixated on having children?

--(Jacob)You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. What's wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.

Ironic that Jay-CUB is more often the voice of reason than any other character, but how that's completely erased by what lies ahead for him. God, S.Meyer knows how to fuck up her own characters better than anyone else.

--Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. "I kicked a few things around. Playing with Renée and Esme. I was thinking . . . Ruh-nez-may."


"R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?"

If by 'weird, you meant 'epically stupid', then yes, Bella. Yes it is.

--But, as I'd searched my head for any way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah'd said today had popped in there.

That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn't have to hurt over her anymore.

Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn't the very worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.

I have no idea what the concept of free will ever did to S.Meyer, but it's obvious that she isn't a fan.

--"It's a bit more than that," Edward murmured. "Now that I can make out the child's thoughts, it's apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities. He can understand us, to an extent."

My mouth fell open. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He's trying to avoid that, as much as possible. He... loves her. Already."

Both creepy AND insane. If that was the point, nifty. If not, what the hell is wrong with you, woman?!

--It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalie's arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.

Okay, I won't lie: that's kind of awesome.

--It was like he was kissing her, brushing his lips at her throat, at her wrists, into the crease at the inside of her arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of her skin as his teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into her system at as many points as possible.

Lush tearing lulzy, for some reason, to me. Also, how did they procure a syringe of venom? Did someone milk their nonexistent fangs or is all of their blood venom or what?

--Because that's all that was left of the girl we both loved. This broken, bled-out, mangled corpse. We couldn't put Bella together again.

I knew it was too late. I knew she was dead.

As if.

So, yeah, Renesmee Carlie Cullen (vomit) is born and Jay-CUB immediately 'imprints' on her. Yeah.

--(Carlisle:) "Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger than even Emmett's was. I've never heard anything so vital. She'll be perfect."

I realize this little beast is a hybrid, but I was under the impression that most vampire's don't, y'know, have heartbeats… Just sayin'. Oh, wait, ya gotta see this.

--(Edward: ) "She's going to be dazzling."

Yeah. He said it. Don't act like you didn't think he would.

--(Bella's narrating again. sigh) I flipped off my back in a spin so fast it should have turned the room into an incomprehensible blur—but it did not. I saw every dust mote, every splinter in the wood-paneled walls, every loose thread in microscopic detail as my eyes whirled past them. So by the time I found myself crouched against the wall defensively—about a sixteenth of a second later—I already understood what had startled me, and that I had overreacted.


--I was stronger than Edward. I'd made him say ow.

Now watch in appalled amazement as the completely useless human Bella of the past three books is replaced with a ridiculously over-powerful, 'awesometastic' vampire Bella. She's also suddenly become a nympho. Just thought I'd throw that in.

Let's take this time to recognize just how much 'BETAR' Vamp!Bella is than everybody else.

--"You are quite controlled," Carlisle mused. "More so than I expected, even with the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this."

Of course she isn't falling prey to the insane bloodlust other 'newborns' are prone to experiencing. Because she's Bella Fucking Swan Goddamn Cullen.

--My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous as a pearl.

Perfect and gorgeous (except for blood-red eyes).

Bella, you're so vain, you probably think this 'saga's' about you. Oh wait.

Also, I find it hilarious how she's all in love with her 'new self' (particularly since she's basically just an allegory for S.Meyer, herself)…

--Edward grinned. "Jasper wonders how you're doing it."

"Doing what?"

"Controlling your emotions, Bella," Jasper answered. "I've never seen a newborn do that—stop an emotion in its tracks that way. You were upset, but when you saw our concern, you reined it in, regained power over yourself. I was prepared to help, but you didn't need it."

Fuck me. The ridiculous factor of this bullshit never ceases to amaze me.

--"That jump was quite graceful—even for a vampire."

Human!Bella made falling look 'cute', so of course every move she makes as a vampire is graceful and amazing and beautiful and all that nonsense.

--"I'm not laughing at you, Bella. I'm laughing because I am in shock. And I am in shock because I am completely amazed."


"You shouldn't be able to do any of this. You shouldn't be so . . . so rational. You shouldn't be able to stand here discussing this with me calmly and coolly. And, much more than any of that, you should not have been able to break off mid-hunt with the scent of human blood in the air. Even mature vampires have difficulty with that—we're always very careful of where we hunt so as not to put ourselves in the path of temptation. Bella, you're behaving like you're decades rather than days old."

No, Bella's not one of the most ridiculous Mary-Sue's to ever make it in to a published story…--; My dazzle is deeply chagrined, reader.

-- Edward's lips tightened in an odd way. "Trust me, the baby is perfectly safe. I know exactly what Jacob is thinking."

Oh, ew. I don't wanna know.

--Also, this dress—that Alice must have put me in sometime when I was too lost in the burning to notice—was not what I would have picked out for either jumping or hunting. Tightly fitted ice-blue silk? What did she think I would need it for? Was there a cocktail party later?

The ground seemed to move toward me so slowly that it was nothing at all to place my feet—what shoes had Alice put me in? Stilettos?

I love how this reads like a passage out of some roleplaying session.

--Hoping very much that Esme was not particularly fond of any specific trees across the river, I began my first stride. And then stopped when the tight satin split six inches up my thigh. Alice!


-- I swung lightly from the limb and landed on my toes, still fifteen feet from the ground on the wide bough of a Sitka spruce.

It was fabulous.

Over the sound of my peals of delighted laughter, I could hear Edward racing to find me. My jump had been twice as long as his.

Obviously, Bella Fucking Swan is a better vampire than any other vampire to ever exist EVER.

--"I thought I wouldn't feel this way for a long time?" My uncertainty made the words a question. "But I still want you."

He blinked in shock. "How can you even concentrate on that? Aren't you unbearably thirsty?"

Of course I was now, now that he'd brought it up again!

Good grief.

--(Edward:) "She's intelligent, shockingly so, and progressing at an immense pace. Though she doesn't speak—yet—she communicates quite effectively."

(Bella:) "Doesn't. Speak. Yet."

Good to see the freak spawn is taking after the Sue-ing and Stu-ing of her parents.

--"You didn't," I snarled at him.

He backed away, palms up, trying to reason with me. "You know it's not something I can control."

"You stupid mutt! How could you? My baby!"

Looks like Bella's discovered the 'Jay-CUB imprinting on Renee-SMEE' thing. And thank goodness, she's angry. Because if she weren't, I would really have to question S.Meyer's sanity, and that's already a subject I have trouble with as is.

--"C'mon, Bells! Nessie likes me, too," he insisted.

I froze. My breathing stopped. Behind me, I heard the lack of sound that was the Cullens' anxious reaction.

"What... did you call her?"

Jacob took a step farther back, managing to look sheepish. "Well," he mumbled, "that name you came up with is kind of a mouthful and—"

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?" I screeched.

And then I lunged for his throat.

Okay, that was laughably stupid…in a good way. Also, when did everyone decide to go by their stupid nicknames?

--Edward was still apologizing, and I didn't think that was either fair or appropriate. After all, Edward hadn't completely and inexcusably lost control of his temper. Edward hadn't tried to rip Jacob's head off—Jacob, who wouldn't even phase to protect himself—and then accidentally broken Seth's shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between. Edward hadn't almost killed his best friend.

Lulz do definitely ensue.

--Renesmee had matured from a single cell to a normal-sized baby in the course of a few weeks. She looked well on her way to being a toddler just days after her birth. If this rate of growth held...

My vampire mind had no trouble with the math. "What do we do?" I whispered, horrified.


Well, looks like Alice'll have another wedding to plan soon, eh?

--Renesmee smiled her brilliant smile, and her memory eyes did not leave Jacob through all the following mess. I tasted a new flavor to the memory—not exactly protective, more possessive—as she watched Jacob. I got the distinct impression that she was glad Seth had put himself in front of my spring. She didn't want Jacob hurt. He was hers.

"Oh, wonderful," I groaned. "Perfect."

Good, Renee-SMEE has developed her daddy's possessiveness. That's…scary.

Bella's new vamps-in-law got Edward and her a cottage out in the woods.

--It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes.

Yeah, don't act surprised. You should know the drill by now.

Later, Bella's dad comes to visit, realizes she's all vamped out, and this happens…

--Charlie's scent was a fistful of flames, punching straight down my throat. But it was so much more than pain. It was a hot stabbing of desire, too. Charlie smelled more delicious than anything I'd ever imagined. As appealing as the anonymous hikers had been on the hunt, Charlie was doubly tempting. And he was just a few feet away, leaking mouthwatering heat and moisture into the dry air.

Ew. Charlie's your FATHER, H0R! Is it obvious that Bella has an Elektra complex?

--Renesmee stroked the smooth diamond-bright facets, then laid her arm next to mine. Her skin had just a faint luminosity, subtle and mysterious. Nothing that would keep her inside on a sunny day like my glowing sparkle. She touched my face, thinking of the difference and feeling disgruntled.

"You're the prettiest," I assured her.

Edward was both dazzling and dazzled.


--So this was really different. I was amazing now—to them and to myself. It was like I had been born to be a vampire. The idea made me want to laugh, but it also made me want to sing. I had found my true place in the world, the place I fit, the place I shined.

And you'd think the book would end right there, but no. Twelve more chapters of bullshit are to follow, and since I ain't got time for that bullshit, I'm just going to pull out some of the most ridiculous parts to 'discuss'.

--And I was euphoric the vast majority of the time. The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward.

Oh, ew. EWWW!

--At three months, Renesmee could have been a big one-year-old, or a small two-year-old. She wasn't shaped exactly like a toddler; she was leaner and more graceful, her proportions were more even, like an adult's. Her bronze ringlets hung to her waist; I couldn't bear to cut them, even if Alice would have allowed it. Renesmee could speak with flawless grammar and articulation, but she rarely bothered, preferring to simply show people what she wanted. She could not only walk but run and dance. She could even read.

Why does this description sound vaguely familiar…Oh, that's right, because it's been done before, and infinitely better, by Anne Rice. Claudia, anyone?

Yadda-Yadda, skip a couple of chapters…

--"Excuse me," Edward said in a stunned voice. He reached out and caught Eleazar's shoulder as he was about to turn again for the door. "What did you just call my wife?"

Eleazar looked at Edward curiously, his manic pacing forgotten for the moment. "A shield, I think. She's blocking me now, so I can't be sure."

I stared at Eleazar, my brows furrowing in confusion. Shield? What did he mean about my blocking him? I was standing right here beside him, not defensive in any way.

So, it seems that Bella's inability to have her mind read or attacked comes from a power she had as a human. Isn't that perfectly coincidental? Fucking goddamn, man.

Random: Zafrina and Senna sound pretty cool. AND like lesbian lovers. So that's nifty.

--"But Momma, I want to help," she said in a determined voice. Her hand rested against my neck, reinforcing her desire with images of the two of us together, a team.

This Renee-Smee is disturbing. Nightmarishly so. Let's skip to Christmas, shall we?

--Renesmee wore the locket I'd given her at dawn, and in her jacket pocket was the MP3 player Edward had given her—a tiny thing that held five thousand songs, already filled with Edward's favorites. On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring.

Are…You…Fucking…KIDDING…Me? So much Sue, I can't even bare it. Goddamn it, y'all, I'm serious. That was seriously in a book. A bestseller at that. Can you fucking believe this?!

--Abruptly, I was furious. Beyond furious, I was murderously enraged. My hopeless despair vanished entirely. A faint reddish glow highlighted the dark figures in front of me, and all I wanted in that moment was the chance to sink my teeth into them, to rip their limbs from their bodies and pile them for burning. I was so maddened I could have danced around the pyre where they roasted alive; I would have laughed while their ashes smoldered. My lips curved back automatically, and a low, fierce snarl tore up my throat from the pit of my stomach. I realized the corners of my mouth were turned up in a smile.

Angry Vamp!Bella is kind of amusing. In an O Rly kind of way…

--"The choice of a wolf form was purely chance. It could have been a bear or a hawk or a panther when the first change was made. These creatures truly have nothing to do with the Children of the Moon. They have merely inherited this skill from their fathers. It's genetic—they do not continue their species by infecting others the way true werewolves do."

So, the werewolves aren't really werewolves. Gotcha. How…good lord.

--Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee. "Goodbye, Jacob, my brother... my son."

Ew. Well…Okay…

--I pressed my hands to his face again, hefted the shield right out of my mind, and then started in where I'd left off—with the crystal-clear memory of the first night of my new life... lingering on the details.

I laughed breathlessly when his urgent kiss interrupted my efforts again.

"Damn it," he growled, kissing hungrily down the edge of my jaw.

"We have plenty of time to work on it," I reminded him.

"Forever and forever and forever," he murmured.

"That sounds exactly right to me."

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

THE FUCKING END. Oh…Oh my God. What the hell, man. I mean…Yeah. No.

But wait… S.Meyer was planning on releasing Midnight Sun (Twilight, from Edward's POV) until it got leaked (who're we kidding, she's still going to release it). And since it's legally been leaked…(I know, that's retarded)…Well, I might as well rip it to shreds too.


--I felt the urge to step in between Jessica and Bella, to shield this Bella Swan from the darker workings of Jessica's mind.

Eddiekins has barely seen Bella, and already he wants to own that ass. Goodness.

--Her scent hit me like a wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment.

In that instant, I was nothing close to the human I'd once been; no trace of the shreds of humanity I'd managed to cloak myself in remained.

I was a predator. She was my prey. There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth.

... I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I'd smelled in eighty years.

If only he'd eaten her. The books would have been much more entertaining.

--"I'm not used to rejection," she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an attractive pout.

"Certainly not," I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. ... My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn't like hurting Tanya, though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and in my case, not something I could return. It still made me feel less than a gentleman.

Translation: pussy frightens Edward Cullen.

--I wanted to go to my biology class. I realized that I wanted to see her face again…


--That's what decided it for me. That curiosity. I was angry with myself for feeling it. Hadn't I promised myself that I wouldn't let the silence of the girl's mind make me unduly interested in her? And yet, here I was, most unduly interested. ... As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate--the hate I'd imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing--had evaporated. Not breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

Well, you've never been in her head, so you have no idea how justly she deserves to be hated. But, then again, you probably don't realize how deserving of hate you are either, do you, Edward?

And, of course, beyond all of this is the heifer responsible for it all; the most deserving of hatred: S.Meyer.

It amuses me how instantly Edward has fallen for Bella without knowing anything about her. That's…unbearably stupid.

--Better than being beautiful, her face was interesting. Not quite symmetrical--her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; extreme in the coloring--the light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and then there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets...

Again, gag me with a fucking spoon.

--It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but her--my whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myself anymore.

So…how long have they been aware of each other's existence at this point?

--Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mine--even though the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat...

Well, at least we know he's fond of pussy, despite being frightened by it.


--I felt like a cad just saying the words.

Edward Cullen: the sparkling gentleman princess.

--I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play--I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel…

Aww, but it hurts him inside, and he TOTEZ DSN'T MEAN IT, K?! He's doin' it to keep his fam safe… --;

--We scowled at each other. It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like a furious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability.

Not patronizing towards women in the least, is it? /sarcasm.

--It shouldn't be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I was gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning to ditch, too--in order to go find the girl again.

Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed, vampire stalker.

'The girl' has a name. A sue-ish name, but a name nonetheless. And yet he's obsessed. Good to know he's at least self-aware enough to realize he's a fucking stalker. Unless, of course, this was written after S.Meyer has seen all of the criticism regard to that subject.

-- "I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Bella. First of all, Edward's serious about protecting Bella and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly, she's my friend. At least, she's going to be. ... I'm going to love her someday, Jazz. I'll be very put out with you if you don't let her be."

Okay, so Alice's absurdity is kind of awesome.

--Alice: I love her too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want her around for that.

"Love her, too?" I whispered, incredulous.

Interesting how Edward's obsession with Bella doesn't seem to have registered in his brain yet.

--This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I would not let Alice's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was always a choice. There had to be.

It's nice to know that at least S.Meyer's vampires have some idea about free will. Too bad everybody else doesn't seem to and that it really doesn't matter anyway.

--The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body.

Vampiric erections, anybody?

--I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was to set myself up as a rival for her affections. How could she ever care for someone who was, by any estimation, a monster? She was too good for a monster…

Oh, please. And Edward is WORSE than an average boy. He's like a stalker with pedophilic tendencies (treating Bella like a child) and obsessive, controlling behavior (he literally watches and analyzes her every move)…

--It was her room. I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor and her sheets twisted around her legs. As I watched, she twitched restlessly and threw one arm over her head. She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night. Did she sense the danger near her?

I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again. How was I any better than some sick peeping tom? I wasn't any better. I was much, much worse.

Again, it amuses me how self-aware and completely oblivious Edward can be all at once.

And what about that 'free will' thing, eh? I thought you were going to choose your own path, you sparkling liar. You make me physically angry enough to punch a donkey.

--"Okay, Mom," she muttered.

Bella talked in her sleep.

And yet he doesn't attempt to read her mind. Peculiar.

--I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. I slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to find some oil for next time...

Next time? I shook my head, disgusted again.

Yeeeeeah, stalker. That's, like, completely illegal and creepy and not romantic in the least.

This is also why some classical vampires are so nifty. They couldn't enter into someone's home unless they were invited. Not that Bella, in her infinite stupidity, wouldn't invite you to watch her as she slept. This reminds me of Buffy…except, y'know, not.

So, creepy vampire guy climbs in through the window into her room.

--I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but I'd promised myself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit in the old rocking chair in the far corner of the room.

As to compare your poser resumes or as to, I dunno, glean something about her nonexistent personality? Because you could have done that by, y'know, talking to her like a regular fucking person.

But you're a sparkly vampire. You obviously don't do normal or logical.

--I wanted to laugh at myself--or kick myself. All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn't care for me, too, wasn't it? Her dream could have been about something completely random. I was such an arrogant fool.

Oh, please. Spare me the maudlin theatrics, Edward. You're a Twiverse vampire. You're unnaturally pretty and all that junk. What the hell are you moping in a goddamn tree for?

--she waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip

Oh, lord…

--..strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten core…

By, which, of course, he means his naughty bits. He's surely at 'half-mast' at this point.

--I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

Out of context, this line is all kinds of awesome. In terms of the story, though…Not so much. ;

--And then she started to walk away from me.

Without thinking about my action, I reached out and caught her by the back of her rain jacket. She jerked to a stop.

"Where do you think you're going?" I was almost angry that she was leaving me. I hadn't had enough time with her. She couldn't go, not yet.

DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON…OR BELLA SWAN, DANGER, DANGER!! This, dear readers, is a hallmark of a potentially abusive relationship. It's not cute, romantic-- none of that. THIS IS WRONG, Y'ALL. Got it? Good.

--Edward: Run, Bella, run. I love you too much, for your good or mine.

She was offended by my teasing. She glared at me. "I'll see what I can do," she snapped, jumping out into the rain and slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.

Just like an angry kitten that believes it's a tiger.

Again, I reiterate, condescending. Not cute, not adorable. FUCKING WRONG.

--I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me.

Oh, fuck me. Except don't. I don't want bruises…at least not from you.

--What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile body? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I could feel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still...

That sounds like some sleezy but fun frivolous roleplaying. And I should know, as I've indulged in such countless times in the past. Too bad the more interesting details are left to the imagination here.

--They wouldn't let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore.

There is something so dubiously hilarious about this quote. I'll leave it to you to decide what that might be.

--Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Monday morning. I'd remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of my way.

Fucking CREEPER.

It's interesting to witness the stalking from the stalker's point of view…So, anyway, he's stalking the hell out of Bella and witnesses this guy Mike ask her out to dinner…

--I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when he pinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.

Again, fucking creeper.

So, yadda yadda yadda, more stalking. And here's something interesting. A scene from Twilight he was supposedly absent from…

--Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking the yard. ...

I read over her shoulder. Ah--more classics. She was an Austen fan. ...

She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. It fanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again.

Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble. Mumbling in her sleep...

There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes. ...

But I couldn't ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I got closer. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined her terror if she opened her eyes now...

So fucking hilarious, this all is.

The thought of stupid fucking Bella reading, enjoying, and understanding the classics (Jane Austen, particularly) amuses the flaming shit out of me. I mean, c'MON.

Also, has sparkling ever frightened or intimidating anyone in history? EVER? Why do you think mutants like Dazzler and Jubilee get made fun of all of the time (even though Dazzler and Jubilee rock my fuckin' socks off)? Because sparkling isn't scary, yo.

Let alone 'rainbow sparkles'. The only people frightened of those are called homophobes/closet cases.

--Bella deserved better than a killer. ... Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her... she still made my mouth water.

Oh, you're going to end up eating her…Just not in the way I had hoped for.

Yadda-yadda-yadda, he takes Bella out to dinner and a waitress pretty much throws her panties at him.

--I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she'd had in mind.

Again, Edward is frightened of any pussy that isn't Bella's, apparently. Though I'm wondering, at this point, whether actually Bella HAS any lady-bits or not…

--She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of her gentle, willing touch was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure.

Could this get any more sappy? Oh, that's right. This is the Twi-Verse. IT CAN ALWAYS GET MORE EVERYTHING BUT GOOD.

--A ridiculously potent scent to demand my attention, a silent mind to enflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe…

Bella strikes as someone who would reek of cheap perfume. And her mind was only quiet to Edward, to the people unfortunate enough as to have read Twilight, we know all she does is angst on and on over the stupidest of things.

She's described as looking, um, pretty much like S.Meyer (maybe 150 lbs. lighter), so that beauty thing is, y'know, objective.

Also, she isn't selfless. She's stupid. Huge difference.

--It was cold. She had no jacket. Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry.

Oh, Edward's conception of the word chivalry is far and beyond anything recognizable or acceptable in modern American society. It's actually rather Medieval. Creeper.

--For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk...

And then she dies.

That would have been AWESOME.

--A thousand possibilities ran through my mind in an instant--a thousand different ways to touch her. The tip of my finger tracing the shape of her lips. My palm cupping under her chin. Pulling the clip from her hair and letting it spill out across my hand. My arms winding around her waist, holding her against the length of my body…

Sounds like Victorian porn, doesn't it? HOW ABOUT TOUCHING HER WITH YOUR POPSICLE DICK, EDDIE?!

--The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it. Like I was human. More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to be able to put my mouth so close to her skin...

Just fuck her. FUCK HER AND BREAK HER FRAGILE SATIN SILK GLASS WHATEVER THE FUCK BODY. Do it and spare us, PLEASE?! Of course he won't, but I didn't think hoping he would would hurt.

Thankfully, this shit-fest ends abruptly at Chapter 12 (skipping the apparently nonexistent Chapter 10). Hopefully, S.Meyer's dazzle is so deeply chagrined that she will indeed abandon this shit and never write another word as long as she lives. But I'm sure that's getting my hopes up WAY too high.

2. Do not research. It is not necessary to waste time getting biology facts, cultural lore, or cultural history correct. For example, if you choose to set your novel in a real-life place, don't bother visiting it. If you incorporate the ideas of another culture, such as that of the Sioux Native Americans, absolutely do not speak to any Sioux elders or Sioux scholars-as the author, you have no responsibility to accurately portray anything. Instead, take what history you can find out on the Internet and feel free to bastardize their cultural lore so that it fits into your story. Also, if you decide to use science to explain some of your fantasy elements, don't bother making it logically or factually sound.

Let me take this time to impart some interesting facts to you all.

Did you know that S.Meyer is a fucking idiot? You know how I know this? S.Meyer's blatant disregard for the workings of biology!

She mentions in Breaking Dawn that humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes (46 diploid number). Jacob, the furry, has 24 pairs and Edward, the literally sparkly-poo vampire, has 25. It would seem that she thinks that more chromosomes a human has, the more it makes you a better and more advanced race. Anybody with a brain knows that such is not the case!

How did this bitch graduate high school, let alone college? Oh, that's right; I forgot. She's a Mormon. They do things 'differently'.

In any event, different chromosome pairings would make these mentioned above different species and thus, incompatible when it comes to mating. For these creatures to even still be considered humanoid, either one of their sex chromosomes would have to be different, and that would result, in, well…something definitely not supernatural. I'm no science buff, but I think most people will agree with that assessment.

Follow me here. It only gets better (or worse, depending on your outlook)…

Humans have 23 chromosomes in our gametes (sex cells) which make up our haploid number. Haploid 23. Double that and you get the diploid number which are body cells, also known as autosomal chromosomes. Diploid 46. That's a human. Well S.Meyer, in her infinite wisdom, made werewolves have 24 gametes and since she said humans have 23 chromosomes, we're lead to believe she meant the haploid number. So, we double 24 and get 48 as the diploid number of a werewolf (or shape shifter or whatever the fuck they are).

This would make werewolves share the same sex chromosome count as either a deer mouse or a gorilla. Certainly not comparable to those of wolves or humans ( and definitely not compatible for makin' babies with humans).

So, what about dazzling, scintillating Edward? Well, Edward's haploid count is 25. Double that and you come up with the diploid number of 50. This would mean his chromosome count is the same as a striped skunk or a pineapple! A PINEAPPLE! I'm pretty sure those can't reproduce with humans. And since when do pineapples or skunks drink blood?

Realize, of course, that this logic may be a little off and that chromosomes must be ordered a certain way. There is a specific science, but this was just showing that more chromosomes does not make your race more advanced...

And then there's the issue of the venom.

Yes, the venom that apparently replaces all bodily fluids of S.Meyer's vampires… Y'know, I'd be quite all right with that if she stuck to her own fucking canon. If you've told us that vampires are dead, their bodily fluids are now venomous, and they can't produce sperm or any of that…then where the flying FUCK did that little abomination 'Nessie' come from, eh?!

And all of the stereotypes, clichés, and flat-out unfounded generalizations of her characters is repugnant. The only characters she's penned that I find even remotely interesting now are Seth and Leah Clearwater and the Amazon vampires. That's it.

S.Meyer: Living proof that FanFicition-dot-net writers CAN rise to super-stardom. Just ask Tara Gillespie.

3. Do not give your characters personalities. Instead, make sure that your female lead is as perfect as possible (but don't forget to give her a contrived sense of humility). Obviously she must be pretty and smart, but don't bother giving examples of her intelligence; all you have to do to tie up that loose end is mention bad interpretations of classic literature. To make sure that she isn't TOO perfect, she needs a flaw. This is where it gets tricky; if you give her a true flaw, like hubris, she is less appealing. Therefore, use a "flaw" like clumsiness so that a) she is endearingly klutzy (allowing socially awkward young girls to put themselves in her shoes) and b) you have a great deus ex machina that allows your male lead to swoop in and save the heroine from impaling herself on a pencil after an attempt at a magic trick.

It is sometimes helpful to give your female heroine an Electra complex, as this further romanticizes the idea of the male hero carrying her around, watching her as she sleeps, being 100+ years older than her, etc., etc.

It is important to note that the heroine should not have to sacrifice anything besides her ambition. If you think she SHOULD sacrifice something, make sure that she's only giving up her family and friends so that the she can devote her entire life and purpose of being to the hero. She should NOT have any kind of hobbies, interests, etc. outside of the hero, and if he leaves her she should become suicidal.

My hate for Bella...defies explaination. I don't even think I can articulate on my own just how deeply disturbed the idea of her makes me deep down at my core. So, I'm going to use a bunch of other sources (other people's blogs, reviews, etc.) to order my ideas, just so I don't claw my eyes out while thinking about it.

I'm going to try to condense my hate of this character down to a few crutial points (inspired and edited from a contributor on LJ who goes by avadriel). Please, bare with me.

She's ridiculously superior and looks down on her classmates for not being as far along as she is in schoolwork (absurdly far along, might I add), talking about petty trivialities as dances (although she later exhibits this trait herself), and liking her (even though the very meaning of her existence IS Edward Fucking Cullen).

When a classmate pricks his finger, she faints, and big, strapping men have to carry her to the nurse's office. Fucking LAME. But she reads Bronte (never mind which one) and Austen...Yeeeah.

She's ridiculously clumsy, which is meant to be a fault, but it's passed off as charming (which it most certainly isn't), but basically just gives her an asinine reason not to run so Edward can save her.

She "falls in love" with Edward within weeks of knowing him (days, really), and after a couple hundred pages, if he even mentions leaving, she hyperventilates and acts like her world will freaking collapse. Not fucking kidding.Stalking is illegal in all 50 states, Bella. Oh, and you might want to share that news with Eddikens when you have a spare moment.

When she's almost hit by a car and goes to the hospital, half the school waits for her in the waiting room to make sure she's okay. Because she's a beautiful and special snowflake, despite alienating and looking down on anyone who attempted to include her on her first day of school. Mary-Sue, thy name is Bella. Hack, thy name is S.Meyer.

Once she meets Edward, she has no goals or ideas of her own. Though, to be fair, it was never really concluded that she HAD any ideas or goals of her own, other than a list of poser-tastic academic interests and pop-culture guided music tastes. It's all about the flaming sparkling bastard (Edward) and pathetically begging to be turned into a vampire because she's so uninterested in the human world (yes, she says that).

Whenever Eddikens so much as barely brushes his lips with hers (and that's pretty much as heavy as it gets, people...even though there is some heavily implied kink in later books), she either tries to rip his clothes off (natural) or her heart stops beating and she passes out ('stuper'natural).

She's always being described as brave but mostly comes off as stupid, especially at the end when she runs headfirst, stupidly, into a dangerous situation for equally stupid reasons.

She's always being described as shy, but she never displays the trait

Basically, she's like a literary Sarah Palin; single-handedly setting back feminism one horribly cliché action at a time. I'm surprised one of the subplots of the plot-less books was overturning Roe V. Wade...Even though every female in the series seems to be obsessed with having a baby.

There's so much WRONG with her character, that it literally could (and did, actually) fill up four books. While she isn't a COMPLETE push-over (some would argue that she's the aggressive one in the relationship once Edward and Bella are married…ew), the way she does things is so…stupid, for lack of a better word. She's a stupid person who does stupid things. OFTEN. Also, the crux of her existence rests on the attentions of Edward Goddamn Cullen. She does do a couple of brave, proactive things (albeit stupidly proactive), but she's also too often the passive one in any relationship, whether it be Edward/Bella or Bella/Jacob.

The fact that some young people might be accepting Bella as some modern heroine is repulsive in ways I can't properly articulate. So much squick. So much squick!

That brings me to the male lead. While it's a given that he must be a perfect physical specimen, be careful not to give him any actual identifying characteristics because this will reduce your reader's ability to superimpose the image of her own 'perfect man' over the hollow shell of your character. As for personal traits, it's extremely effective to write him as a caricature of the Byronic hero. Your hero should be brooding, pseudo-dangerous, and have a deep, dark secret to cement his status as a sexy 'bad boy'. Additionally, he must be extremely wealthy, drive fast cars, and enjoy watching the heroine sleep unawares.

As the cracktastically sexiful R.Pattz (Robert Pattinson, the dude who played Cedric in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire) said about portraying Edward in the upcoming (train wreck) movie adaptation of Twilight: "And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."

Edward is…atrocious. Pushy, controlling, manipulating, STALKERISH, and just altogether not hot.

If I wasn't amused by how self-righteous and yet self-loathing he is, I'd want to stab him in the heart.

There really isn't much to say about how horrible he is as he, y'know, doesn't really have a personality other than the pre-described Byron-esque one S.Meyer attributed to him.

4. Ensure that your heroine and hero's relationship is abusive. An effective way to do this is to make sure that your male hero fulfills several of the requirements for relational abuse. A good definition of that is this one, from Wikipedia:

Abusive relationships are often characterized by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays.

Personally, I recommend using jealousy, lack of intimacy, sexual coercion, broken promises, and controlling behavior because those are all quite easy to justify; all the hero must do is claim that he acts out of his desire to protect the heroine from danger because of his overwhelming love for her. Additionally, if there is another possible romantic interest for the heroine outside of the hero, isolating the heroine from him is a particularly effective method for the hero to use. One example might be siphoning the gasoline from the heroine's moped to prevent her from leaving her house.

It is especially important to note that the heroine must not find fault in the hero for his abusive actions, as that would make him much less appealing. Instead, she should excuse his behavior by saying "he just loves me" and then continue to submit to his will.

If you're worried that this might send a bad message to young, hormonal teenagers struggling through their own romantic relationships, don't be. After all, as Heather says, "This is a BOOK a FICTIONOUS BOOK", and no one has ever been influenced by a work of fiction in the history of the world, ever. Not even people back in the 1800s who read books like Uncle Tom's Cabin. In the same way that people are not influenced by advertising or by peer pressure, reading novels does not have the least bit influence on anyone, least of all teenagers whose brains haven't finished developing.

There is something so unsettling about all of the fangirls (and boys, I guess) swooning over Edward and hailing the Twilight stories as a 'love story'. I don't think it is. If so, it's a twisted, horrible version of love that I want absolutely no part of.

You've read, if you perused that graveyard of quotes, that their entire relationship is built on infatuation, obsession, and manipulation. They are drawn to each other because their both emos who hate everything around them but themselves. They're both self-important blowhards who chatter on (albeit mentally) about how boring this or that is, or how whatever something else is. They are drawn to each other's 'beauty'. Other than that, there is no real reason why the two of them 'fell in love'…and boy, did they fall in love quickly.

It'd be one thing is S.Meyer was aware of this sick relationship and played on the weirdness of it all (a la Secretary), but instead she makes it out to be this epic love story that it just isn't. It's really kind of frightening.

5. There should be no plot. Even though you may think that rising action, climax, falling action, and character development are important in a novel, they're not. Instead, focus on the perfection of the male hero. If your editor forces you to write a plot, make sure it's just another opportunity for the hero to save the heroine.

Other than Bella angsting over Edward, who continually leaves her 'for her own good', there really isn't any semblance of a plot with these books. Except for the random and pretty uneventful appearance of the Volturi, there's nothing remotely plot-based that goes on in these stories. It's astounding how boring and pointless they are.

Let's sum up the awful truth with this lovely CATALOG, as comprised by LJ user, otahyoni:

The Catalog: Twilight (book one)

Number of Pages in the Book: 498

The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328

When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)

Voice: 20

Eyes: 17

Movement: 11

Smile: 10

Teeth: 8

Muscles: 7

Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)

Iron Strength or Limbs: 5


Scent: 4

Laughter: 3

Handwriting: 2

Chest: 2

Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26

Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22

Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17

Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16

Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12

Edward and Bella Kiss: 8

o Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)

o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1

o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6

Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)

Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5

Edward Sparkles: 3

Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3

o Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)

Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2

Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1

Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0 (to be fair, Breaking Dawn does explain this...albeit as a huge deus ex machina of insanely LULZY proportions.)

6. Profit!

Well, there you have it! I hope this helps those of you hoping to write your own 'Twilight'. And to those of you who were concerned over my literary critique of the series, I promise to follow the steps above before I even think about publicly disliking something again in the future.

This point that Kellen presents is perhaps the most egregious of any of the things that pretty much comprise the Twilight phenomenon.

S.Meyer's 'talent' is questionable at best and I KNOW for a fact that I've read aspiring writers on FPdotCom, FFdotNet, LJ, and elsewhere on the net MUCH better than her…and yet they'll never be published. They'll never make millions off of their amazing stories and there is no good reason why they won't.

S.Meyer is an incredibly lucky bitch. Were it not for those ill-fated friends of hers who encouraged her to publish the first book, none of us would have known about this hack, and the world would be a much happier place. As it stands, we can't roll back time, but can we please start recognizing this woman for what she is? She's a niche-filler. A place-holder. People were aching for another young-adult title that was easily accessible to fill the hole that Harry Potter has left. But even comparing Twilight to HP is blasphemy in my book. Even mentioning them in the same regard is sacrilege to me.

J.K. EARNED her place in liteary history. She earned it and it will never be taken away from her. S.Meyer lucked into hitting pay-dirt by allowing hormonal fan girls (and boys…we'll get there in a second) to have a first-person view of her self-insertion fantasy. Everyone got to be Bella Fucking Swan and live out her sue-ish adventures and, for some people, that was good enough.

But, for me, someone who actually values reading as a therapeutic, mind-expanding activity, this is an arrant to the very idea of literature.

I guess, if you're looking for something frivolous and unsubstantial, this series might be a 'fun summer read', but people are hailing it in regards to Harry Potter, and I'm sick of that shit. I'm not having it.

So, in closing, Twilight is, for me, an unreadable ride of lunacy and purple prose that should be burned in effigy as soon as the fad fades away…which, God willing, will be pretty damn soon.

WOAH. Word tells me that this document is 34 pages long, more than likely the longest thing I've ever written and posted here. Can you tell that I hate Twilight yet?!

Okay, I'm quite rusty, but here goes anyway…


1. Okay…Is it me or do straight guys seem oblivious to Twilight? The only guys I know that know anything about it are bi or completely gay. What's the deal there? If you're a female, can you please tell me what you think the appeal of these books are?

2. What are YOUR thoughts on Twilight, if you have any? Do you love it? Why? Do you despise it like I do? Why? An enquiring mind would like to know.

3. What are your thoughts on the Midnight Sun leak? Do you think S.Meyer will eventually finish and publish the book to continue milking this cash cow, or will she move on to more interesting ventures…like time-traveling mermaids?

4. Stephanie Meyer. Your thoughts?

5. If you were ever to write a horror/romance/action-adventure series, what's the most outlandish thing you would do? Sparkling vampires? Exploding werewolves? I gotta know.

6. Do you think the film adaptation of Twilight is going to suck as much as I think it's going to?

So, what do you guys think? Did anybody miss me? n.n

Many thanks to LiveJournal's cleolinda, avadriel, and otahyani for helping me organize my epic hate. And Kellen Rice for her awesome articles on just why Twilight a bad way.

I still need you guys to REQUEST TOPICS if you want to see this thing continue, otherwise who knows how long it'll be until my next post.

If you've stuck with me this long, I love you guys. Newcomers? I love you too! In fact, I love everyone...

Except Stephanie Morgan Meyer.

Peace and Chicken Grease!