The Tale of the Very Chaste Prince & Princess

Writ by yon Camryn Morlegg

In Which the Princess is Abducted by the Vile Dragon

Once upon a time in the fair land of Ostrich, there was a prince and a princess traveling together in the civilized wilderness of Sunny Meadows. All the land hailed this royal pairing and indeed, when they passed through towns along their road, armies of peasants gathered in lines to offer them hail and good warm bread for their safe passage. They oft inspected their good royal feet and the prince and princess were well pleased. The prince and princess had a merry trip – one that was filled with love, virtue, and chastity. The princess would often show the extent of her great love by clasping the prince's hand in hers, whilst the prince would oft show his virtuous love by singing sweet songs of her beauty, her red lips, and her blushing cheeks.

The prince and princess lived happily ever after, and The End was about to come rushing down when a foul creature uttered its profane breath through the Sunny Meadows, killing all flowers and browning all grass and bringing about an unseasonable winter chill. The prince and the princess were dismayed and they clutched each other's hands tightly in great fear.

Then a great dragon descended from the sky. An its wings were a black void, an its tail a great whip. An its head worst of all, with its beastly ember eyes and its ugly dagger-teeth. The head sneered as the corners of its vile mouth turned upward and its tongue, red as blood, lashed out like a worm speeding from its dark cave.

The prince, though his knees be quaking, stepped in front of the princess and shouted with his treble voice:

"Ye who are a dragon, who so clouds the sky and marks the earth with thy terrible breath: be gone! for I will warily mark thou with mine eyes and if thou shall not choose to fly, thou will be caught in an inevitable battle that will see the life or death of either of us unfortunate opponents!"

As the prince uttered his sentence, he quailed. For in challenging the black dragon, he realized he was armless with no weapon to fight justly. Once this realization had descended, the prince also said:

"And for this just fight to proceed, thou, o mighty dragon, shall lay down thy weapons to fight a just fight with thy unarmed opponent!"

The dragon did not stir. Only its tail whipped left and right, but otherwise not so much as a scale on its rough belly quivered.

"Then I deem that we are now an equal match, are we not?" the prince supplied.

The dragon blinked its three eyelids as the princess shuffled slowly away from the protection of her prince.

"Then I shall fight you now!" declared the prince. He raised his arms above his head in a manner which would put fear into the hearts of atheists. (Needless to say, the dragon was a firm believer in a higher power.) "So come at me, dragon, and do not hold back for thine honor. And as for mine honor, thou need not fret thyself for bruising it!"

The dragon lifted its bulking head over its massive cord-like neck and sniffed delicately. It cringed. The dragon became offended at such a rank smell that permeated its smoking nostrils. The smell was that of an offensive invention of mankind, the torturous foodstuff known in hushed rooms as sauerkraut. God knows, everyone knows, that the stench of fermented cabbages is something vile. Unfortunately for him, the prince was oblivious to its offensive smell and had devoured some of its rankness earlier that day. The dragon did not like sauerkraut. The dragon was angered. The dragon would avenge its insulted nostril holes.

The prince felt a woosh of air behind him and he heard a significant boom as the trees collapsed around his person. He squinted his fair eyes into the murky heavens to behold his beloved, borne away by the dastardly claws of the treacherous dragon. Each flap of the wing brought the wind crashing down upon the poor manifestation of Nature called the Sunny Meadows (which was no longer quite as sunny). The prince, in his anguish, clawed at his handsome face.

"Thou coward! Thou wretch!" the prince swore. "I will chase thou to the ends of this Meadow!" which really wasn't true because the prince would do no such thing. He was a-feared. The dampness in his trousers showed testimony to that.

Needless to say, the prince never saw a trace of his princess again. Unfortunately this was a problem. The whole land expected a triumphant return of their prince and princess and if they observed the princess absent, there would be a mighty uproar. So the answer was simple and urgent. If he must return, he would bring back a princess, any princess, even though it may not be the same princess. He would bring her back and everything would be righted again because nobody would guess the difference. All princesses were the same, and his reasoning was true. So he set off on a new and epic quest to find and obtain a princess.