Camalot and a House of Cheese Part One: An Asian man in King Arthur's Court
Victor groaned and rolled over, flopping a long leg over Ashton's waist, wonder if he could have a latte and ride in a metro anytime soon. Traveling was fun... but he liked living in his own time with other gay men, not named Ashton preferably. Ashton meanwhile whimpered and attempted to pry Victor off of him in case Victor got all horny out of the blue but alas, he failed. Ashton opened his eyes tiredly and looked up at the sky and a lot of ugly faces peered down at him. He blinked, they blinked. He screamed, they screamed. Victor snored. "Where-where are we?" Ashton cried, struggling to get up on his elbows but was thwarted and thrown back onto the soggy ground by a wayward arm from Victor.
"Good sirs, you're in Camelot... but who doth one fall from the heavens as thou art didst? Surely, thou art not an angel?" Everyone, which meant the ugly peasant people, looked at Ashton suspiciously and then at Victor. Ashton realized that this was probably their first encounter with an Asian. He hoped they had prayed to God before Victor awoke. "Erm... well... you see... it's all rather complicated actually..." Ashton started when Victor sighed vexedly and sat up abruptly.
"How in the world is someone as important as moi supposed to get decent sleep when you ugly people keep making stupid animal noises!" Victor huffed and then looked darkly at one of the better looking peasants (it was against his beliefs to look at truly ugly people, ruin the skin and eyes you know) and said haughtily, "OF COURSE I'M A FUCKING ANGEL. How many gorgeous Asian men fall out of sky around here? Hmmm"
"Er..." The peasant man said, looking at the others for help.
"I thought so PEON. Now, go and fetch me your richest, most handsome male so I can rape him and be on my way"
"Angels don't... rape people." Another man said nervously. Should they all get out the pitchforks?
"SHUT UP. I'm the ANGEL, NOT YOU." Victor screamed, throwing Ashton's left shoe at someone really ugly. "Victor... stop it..." Ashton pleaded.
"Oh, can it." Victor muttered, "You took me away from some good sex, now you'll pay." "Meep!" "ROAR! Why aren't you fetching PEON?" Victor asked, pulling off Ashton's other shoe threateningly. "Yes O heavenly deity!" The peasants cried in terror of the horrible shoe and fled to tell King Arthur of the monster that had landed in Camelot.
"Victor... if this is the time of the Crusades... we could be in trouble."
"You'll figure something out... I'm sure." Victor said absently, picking a nail.
"Shut up, fatty."
"..." teeth grinding.
"Hey, I want a horse." Victor said pointing. Ashton looked and gasped. There was a knight in armor riding on a tall sleek horse right towards them. Victor began to get excited. Maybe his luck hadn't been sucked dry. On the other hand, Ashton slipped his shoe on, mocked a kick at a peasant, stood up, and trudged bitterly in the opposite direction. Victor glared at Ashton. He tugged on the grass. He shot sly glances at the approaching Knight. Sneaked a glance at Ashton still madly trudging in the opposite direction. Looked at the staring, ogling peasants. Threw an impertinent stare at Ashton. Tugged on the grass. Ran after Ashton.
"What are you doing?" Victor exclaimed.
"Not being involved in one of your schemes," Ashton replied, walking faster.
"B-but," Victor stammered. He looked back at the knight with longing. Well, at least the knight was a bit lusty too. The knight had forced his horse to gallop. "Last time, Jesus molested you." "At least he saves me. I'm the one with the time-travel powers. I don't need you. Go have sex with your knight," Ashton said.
With that, the angsty, homosexual teen left the homo-erotic fantasist to be taken by the knight… and ran. Ashton has survival skills from being a chicken. Victor, on the other hand, never saw the sense in needing to survive anything. He was hotter than Paris Hilton after all. Ashton saw the knight gaining and hid in a tree. Victor waited, expecting glory, a nice fondling, and a triumphant ride into Camelot. He got the latter of the three but the triumph was for the knight, Sir Kay. And Victor spent the night in a cell… alone. Not even a Jewish man to rape. The following evening, he was brought before the court in a sad state suffering from the lack of food and… entertainment. Sir Kay told a fascinating story about fighting a man guarding a castle with 500 maidens. Victor was enchanted…. Until he found out he, Victor, who would sell a maiden for all her worth in camels before he even had to lay eyes on her, was the one who was guarding this castle, spat on Sir Kay, and killed his squire. Currently, Victor was quite willing to do the last two. "What does thy wish, Arthur, that I doth with this man?" Sir Kay asked.
"Not death," Arthur said scratching his chin. "They say he is an angel. He can show us the way to the holy grail."
Meanwhile… Ashton climbed down from his tree and continued on through the forest. After a while, he calmed down. After a while, he got lonely. After a while, he got tired. After a while, he had to go pee. Man was Ashton in a dilemma. What could he possibly do? Well, if you've ever read The Once and Future King, you know that Morgan La Fay had a castle but Arthur, a little boy at the time, with the help of Robin Wood defeated her. Well, she rebuilt her castle of cheese and Ashton found it. Ashton abhors cheese. Hates it with an undying passion. So he kicked it. And then really had to go pee. But after a short intermission, he resumed kicking it in. But that wasn't working. He had one choice left. He began to eat it. And after a while of doing that, he cried, flung himself to the ground, and cried some more. And when Morgan La Fay came along, he just wailed all the more loudly, tossed and turned, and flung his limbs in all different directions.
"You little-! Hey… wait… you look young… and breakable." Morgan La Fay smiled toothily and forgot all about her cheese. She was planning on moving into giant breadstick in France anyway. "Erm… come again?" Ashton stopped his tantrum and peered up at her.
"Well, my little angel, you've destroyed my precious home, you'll have to pay… or else." Morgan traced Ashton's nose, a dangerous glint in her eye.
"Ummm… what do you want me to… do?" Ashton sputtered, jerking back. " Well… I've heard rumors about two angels that hath fallen from the sky into our glorious town of Camelot. One golden haired youth fair as day and shining as the eternal sun whose innocent and petulant eyes sway the heart with his counter part a raven and dark mysterious beauty that looks like no other man in the Old World as piercing and seductive as the sweet plum upon a maiden's lips."
"Oh… well… news sure travels fast." Ashton chuckled nervously, pulling his legs protectively around him and glancing furtively at Morgan.
"So you are one of them I gather?" Ashton gulped, "And why aren't you with your counterpart?"
"He ISN'T my other half. He's a DICK." Ashton snapped.
"OH, well, excuse me. I didn't know. So it's a he… hmmm. Too bad." "What is?" "Well, apparently, he got captured is in Arthur's court. Too bad. He might've lived if he were a woman." She shook her head sadly.
"WHAT?! Hey, he's my friend, I have to help… please, can't you help me get to him?" Ashton cried, jumping up and pulling on Morgan's robes. "Well… you still owe me for my house." She said, eyes narrowing.
"Uhm… please?" "If you be my apprentice, then fine." Morgan said grinning evilly.
"That's… all? Ok." He started to feel relieved until Morgan started to cackle and whoop with joy. Oh boy, here it goes he thought sulkily.
Back at Camelot:
"I don't want to show you the Grail." Victor sniffled, throwing his head away from his interrogator and lifting his nose high.
"Come now Heavenly Magistrate, you must!" Arthur pleaded.
"No is NO. I don't get anything out of this." Victor glared at all the men at the round table, "Why should I help you?"
"You aren't acting very… angel-like." Sir Gawain muttered.
"That's not my problem." Victor snapped, "I'm all hot and bothered in some stupid country with stupid, HAIRY men and no CAMEL. This sucks."
"Hot… and bothered?" Sir Tristan repeated slowly.
"Yes, down there if you get my drift." Victor sulked. He looked at Tristan and narrowed his eyes. So far Tristan was the only one (besides Gawain) who spoke to Victor without being intimidated, besides he was pretty cute and he didn't have stupid facial hair… hmmm…
"Erm… should an angel be saying that?" Tristan coughed. "Especially such a pretty…"
"Girl." Sir Galahad muttered, in a daze he had been in since he laid eyes on Victor.
"MAN. I'm most definitely MALE." Everyone gasped, NO!, and he snapped, "You want a confirmation?"
"Sir Tristan, will you?" Arthur asked quietly, "You're the only one who isn't… terrified of our angel's sharp tongue."
"All right Sire." Tristan sighed and marched Victor out into a private room like he was going to the gallows. Everyone waited for a long time for them to emerge and when the did they found a rumpled Tristan and a smug Victor. Tristan sighed and rubbed his temple like he had a headache and said through gritted teeth, "It's most definitely… male."
Victor put his hands on his hips proudly, glad he hadn't been forced to beg. He would never admit it, of course, but he had only been seconds away from doing so. However, his life was saved.
King Arthur fell back in his chair. His chair, in response, groaned and fell to the ground. Everyone rushed over to him including a very ugly Lancelot, even ugly for Ashton's taste. Ape-man was he. Arthur shrugged them off.
"I," he said raising a finger, "had a vision of Jesus, a camel, and that man. I don't know what it means but I think God supports him. He must truly be an angel" Everyone backed away from Victor and tipped their heads in his direction. Tristan, however, had a much different reaction.
"Prove it." He said. "If thou art holy, let me and Isolde be together. Kill Mark!"
"Um, hmmm, how good looking is this Mark fellow?" Victor asked, scratching his chin.
Tristan reared his head. "Wha…?" The doors to the great hall slapped open. A lithe man entered. "Um, your most heavenly one's chariot is awaiting," he said to Victor.
Victor leaped at the man, who wasn't so bad looking now that Victor thought about it.
"Really?" Victor exclaimed.
The man gulped and nodded. Victor didn't understand the man was lying, poor fool – Victor, I mean. Victor, of course, pranced outside where he was thus thrust onto the back of a horse and then pinned there by the lithe blond man and forced to ride into the sunset with him. How ironic.
THE END – or so you think. Nope. Now we follow Ashton. He was learning the most interesting things like how to make men fall in love with you, how to kill them when they cheat on you or betray you any other way, and how to make them your eternal slave. He thought of how much Victor would probably like to be there – but only for a fleeting instance and then he couldn't care less. He was beginning to forget about everything else too… Like… was he wearing boxers or briefs?
Victor huffed a little, and then kicked the ugly, smelly, horse that he was currently tied to, more than a little bit pissed off. This stupid man just burst into that King what-cha-ma-call-it's third rate castle and kidnapped Victor, throwing him on a horse and stealing him away in the night… only it was broad daylight. Now, Victor's been in five star "castles", that is to say, love castles, and he's been kidnapped by an angry, jealous, and madly in love man before, only it was more like, swept off his feet and put delicately into a nice, new BMW, at night… and it was actually night. As in a romantic, starry filled sky kind of night (even if he never cared enough to look at the stupid sky in the first place), not some stupid forest with stupid vegetation that hit him as he rode on this stupid beast, behind a stupid man. Did he say the man wasn't that bad? Psh… that was all sympathy. He was… was… too scrawny and… and… blonde! Victor huffed again and decided to save his energy for later; you never knew what psycho kidnappers wanted from their victims anyway.
They rode through a rather dark forest. Victor's eyes flitted around. Dark forests equaled demons – usually. Demons translated into sexy, wanton, cunning…. demons. And Victor rather liked that, just his type of guy: wonderfully skilled in those ways and temporary. It was as if they had tumbled into Victor's Eden. Alas, they hadn't; nothing popped out of no where attempted to suck their blood even though his pale companion appeared to have none. Victor's eyes darted around. Not because he was scared. He was on the hunt for excitement. This whole kidnapping business was rather dull. The man had tied his hands and then left him to himself.
And then to his left he saw something. Victor's eyes went wide with anticipation and his mouth spread into a wide hungry grin. It was a man but – wait – he wasn't doing what Victor was expecting. He was… skipping? Yes, and he was waving his hands and singing. And what is this? He's changing all the dark forest to brightness, like a corny Disney movie. Victor drew his brows together and pursed his lips furiously. Here was the reason Victor was having no lavish delights! This wisp of a man was making everything too blooming happy! Before anyone, even Victor himself, knew what he was doing he strode over to the man and was prepared to strangle him. But oddly, the man just waved a twig at him and kept skipping on.
Victor felt a little odd, a little tingling sensation. The ropes on his hands were gone. He wasn't in the god-awful drabs they had put him in at court. He was in something moderately tight to accentuate his… highlights and something else but he couldn't quite place it… he was happy as he was. But that only lasted until squirrels and birds starting gathering around him. Then he was back to his generally unhappy self, unhappy at Ashton like usually. Wait – Ashton? Victor turned to look at the man still merrily skipping. It was Ashton alright. And he had sunk lower to become the epitome of gay people. See what happens when you leave me, Victor thought to himself and shook his head.