A/N: Inspired by the Ataris.

The Ataris – Looking Back On Today

30th of April, seems like yesterday.
We bought a house above the ocean
where our kids could laugh and play.

I called you from Paris
to tell you that I wrote our names on the observation deck
of the Eiffel Tower.

Remember those nights,
playing "Summer wind" on the juke box of the bar we used to go.
We made out in the bathroom and you walked me to my house,
I tried to convince you not to go home.

If only i had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go.
Italy isn't the same without you here.
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again.

1st of November, 1998.
I was thinking of what to say when I could call.
Denise come over to my house, cuz you're the one for me.
We'll drink cheap wine and watch more shooting stars.

Remember our first apartment?
Our couch was never big enough for two.
Still, we'd fall asleep in eachother's arms and wake up on the floor.
Now looking back it was made for me and you.

If only I had more time, I'd take you where you wanted to go.
Japan is really nice this time of year.
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again.

If only I had more time...
England isn't the same without you here
If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes
that I could spend with you...
Fall in love with you again and again

Looking Back On Today

Spring of 1990

The springtime; oh such a time to be together you always said it was the season that resembled us best; bright and gently warm. Yes springtime it was, the 30th of April to be more exact. You brought me to a road full of flowers it almost seems like yesterday when we huddled through the green grass and you slashed a tulip for me. "The second most beautiful flower for the first most beautiful flower" were your words.

I tapped you on the chest "Don't be corny" and you took my hand and hissed softly into my ear the most beautiful words- "I love you"

I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. You held my wrist protectively and dragged me towards the ocean. We sat together on the sand with our arms wrapped around each other. We watched the sunset and I told you "Have you ever seen anything more beautiful" and you looked directly into my eyes and replied "Yes" and kissed me.

When the sun had set you said with your beautiful sharp voice "I've got a surprise for you."

"What is it?"

"You'll just have to wait" and with your hands covering my eyes you guided me towards an empty small and cozy house above the ocean. My wet foot stood in the wood of what I supposed was the living room. I rolled my eyes and raised my head to catch your glance "What's this?" I asked clueless.

"Our house"

I opened up my mouth "What?"

"Well I figured that after we get married you would like to have a place around the beach where our kids can laugh and play" your smile got wider.

I threw my arms around your neck "You are nuts!"

"And you love it" In the middle of the empty room of that dark house that like you said- was supposed to be ours one day I looked at your still young and handsome features- so full of innocence and hope flickering through your eyes. We were fifteen then. We had always been together since you moved next to my house when we were eleven.



Autumn of 1994

I picked up my cell phone. The voice was barely audible. The music in the club was blasting so loud that I almost didn't recognize that voice.

Your voice.

I stood frozen in the middle of the dance floor. Three years had it been since I last saw you or heard your voice. My legs wobbled and without a second thought I abandoned the club without letting anybody else knew where I had gone. Once outside I stood on a lamp post with my hand tugging back a stray of hair behind my ear.

"Hello?" I could imagined perfectly what I guessed were still your handsome face behind your sharp voice.

"Yee-s I'm- I'm here" My voice trembled but I tried to hold back so many emotions locked in me throughout the years.

"I'm in Paris" you announced. Paris- the city of lovers- the city that should have had our name. As your words caught my ears I drowned into an ocean of memories. You and me holding hands on the school carnival making plans to see Paris together. You and me laying on your backyard imaging how the Eiffel Tower would look like. You and me- Us, together.

"I did it!" You said cheerfully as it was the most normal thing to flee for three years and then just make a casual call and pretend everything to be the same- as if you had never left.

"I wrote our names on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower." You paused- I sighed. I had not forgotten my not so long past obsession. "If we ever go to Paris we should write our names to make us immortal." I had told you one winter day when we were skiing- you looked at me half surprised half blissful "Okay but I would write the names though because your letter is unreadable." I frowned and pulled you to the snow laughing.

"Hello?" you questioned again your voice snapped me back to reality.

"That's great" I faked enthusiasm for the first time since I had started talking to you.

"Just like we promised remember?" A tear slipped my eye and I tried to control my voice forgetting that you were able to read all my languages, gestures, masks and walls "Yes I do remember."

"Uhm well I just wanted you to know… umm I've got to go." Then there was just silence and the sound from my cell phone indicating that you had already hung up. You had read me again, after three years, and I don't know if I hated you more for still being able to know me better than myself or if I hated myself more for letting you see through me. You were always a coward when it came to crying. I shove away my tears and the sad truth I had forced myself to deny for the past three years appeared in front of me clearer than ever; I still loved you.



Summer of 1996

It was a little past midnight I was seating on the last table of the bar. You were standing next to the juke box. "Summer wind remember?" you said as the familiar tune of the song filled the bar invading my ears. A tear went past my eyes to my cheek reaching the wooden table. You contemplated my sad face for some minutes and finally raised my head with your left hand on my chin. I met your eyes "Are you okay?" you said both; scared and protectively.

The words were out of my lips before I could even stop them "Why did you leave?"

You opened your mouth to answer but closed it again instead you decided to hold my hand. I removed it from yours quickly "Answer me! Why did you leave?" Another raindrop fell at the top of the wooden table but this time it was yours "I'm sorry- I can't tell you- it wasn't for you, not for us- but you wouldn't" you paused and sighted deeply "I'm sorry but is better if we don't talk about this yet- you wouldn't-"

"Understand?" I asked you and you nodded. I stood from the table- Summer wind was still playing on the juke box I made my way to the bathroom and stayed locked up in there for what felt like hours, crying. I opened up the cubicle door at last and was shocked to find you standing in front of me- your arm resting on the door. "How long you have been out here?" I asked you.

"Quite enough to know that what I said back there didn't come out as I intended to."

I bit my lower lip "It's just that- why wouldn't I understand? I mean do you really think that? That I won't be able to understand huh? If I didn't understand you then why would I be here in the first place huh? Why would have I put up with you after everything- after you left without a trace! Not calling not writing not saying ANYTHING! HOW DARE YOU SAY I WON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR REASONS!" I burst into screams and pushed you hard towards the door- one, two, three times you just kept your eyes closed.

We stood facing each other for what felt like hours. "Aren't you going to say anything?" I spat at you but you remained silent. "You're unbelievable" and I intended to make my way out of the bathroom but you called out for me catching my wrist "Wait!" I turned around to face you but you didn't say anything "What for?" I told you impatiently but you pulled me again and kissed me on the lips. Now I hadn't planned that- when you had returned two days ago you said you wanted to see me to sort some thing out. I never imagining you still had feelings for me- after everything. But when your lips met mine I knew for sure that you still loved me- perhaps more than ever, and you was asking me for forgiveness and were trying to mend what you had broke years ago. You were never good enough at expressing your feelings, but with that very kiss my lips had so longingly searched for you told me everything I needed to know. You were the same boy as always, perhaps more mature, more handsome and more unpredictable- but you were mine now more than ever. You had let your guard down and all your walls came tumbling down as you kissed me for the second time. I pulled you harder placing my hands in your neck- you inserted your tongue on my mouth and the world stopped. I nipped your neck and you let out a soft moan of pleasure. We stayed half the night making out in the bathroom of that bar that once had been our refuge when we were sixteen. After we broke apart finally we didn't need to say more- that was the farthest we had got sexually speaking. That was the strongest we had got emotionally. Then without any more sorrow or sadness just the certainty that we were again together he muttered in my earlobe "I LOVE YOU".

We left the bar at three o'clock- laughing and recalling tales of when we were younger. You walked me to my house and I tried to convince you not to go home but before I knew you had already left.



Autumn of 1996

"What would you do if you had more time?" you asked casually as we were lying on the hood of your car watching the stars.

"Like more time to what?" I told you clueless.

"More time here on earth, you know you never know when you might die. You think you have all the time in the world and next thing you know you are dead. That kind of time I mean, what would you do if I don't know… you were immortal?"

I chuckled to your question it was only at nights full of stars that you got that philosophical "I think we got all the time in the world but we just don't know how to used it."

you closed your eyes "No but I mean what if you were to die tomorrow knowing you never did half the thing you always dreamed you had done"

I turned my head to the top of the sky to met your gaze "I think that no one knows when the end is coming and I think that's why we should always say what's on our mind the minute the thought pops inside of it, and that we always stick to what we want and not be afraid to show what we feel." I stopped "That way there wouldn't be a need to ask for more time"

You gulped your beer down your throat "That's deep but I think you are not following me. I mean if you were to live forever what would you do with your time?"

"Hmm… I will travel around the world I guess" I sighted "What about you?"

You kept silent but after awhile you managed to say "If I had more time I'd take you where you wanted to go"

I smiled and put my hand on top of your chest "Really? Well I want you to take me to Italy!"

You laughed and stood up from the top of the car and you started running as you held my hand "What the he-"

"Just follow me" you cut me off as we ran through the hills at the park. Then you released my hand and started climbing some rocks that guided you to the top of the biggest hill. I shouted at you from way down "AND NOW WHAT?"

You opened up your arms and told me "Now you climb until you reach me"

"You are crazy I'm not climbing that hill!"

"What hill?"

I pointed at where you were standing "That same one in which you are standing!"

"This, my dear is not a hill" and you paused yourself as you watched my incredulous face from the way down "This… is Italy"

I giggled "And do you expect me to be with you in your trip around it?"

"Well is just that… Italy isn't the same without you here." You frowned at last.

"Fine!" and with a wide smile on my face I climbed 'Italy' until your hand found mine and you helped me push my way upwards. From up there the world seemed different the view was beautiful… I could see the whole city "So what do you think?" You asked me.

"Well let me just said that Italy is the best place I had ever been so far" I pressed your hand into mine a bit harder.

"If you had one wish what will it be?" I caught you off guard because I could catch your eyes widening in surprise.

"I'm the one who is supposed to make that kind of questions!" I punched softly your chest "Oh come on! I can be philosophical once in a while!"

You closed your eyes thinking deeply "Only one wish?"

"Yes just one"

You held my waist carefully and kissed my forehead tenderly "If only I had one wish, I'd want a million trillion lifetimes that I could spend with you, and fall in love with you again and again."


Winter 1998

I held the postal card in my right hand, it had arrived two days ago and I couldn't stop looking at it. I had even memorized the place that it showed. I don't know how many times I had read what was in the back of it but I could recall some parts without even looking at them by now. I sat on the edge of my bed and gave another glance to the photograph. There were many people around the messy street- as well as much propaganda in weird symbols, a tall; glass building was clear among the other buildings. 'Japan is really nice this time of year.' The scripture at the front said in black ink with that recognizable handwriting that long ago had written my name on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower. I turned the postal around and black letters sprawled across the thin paper. I read it for the fourth time that night.

1st of November, 1998.

I heard that you were engaged. Ryan called me a few days ago I still don't know how he contacted me but he said you were getting married. I was way too shocked when the news first reached my ears, I was thinking on what to say when I would call but I didn't have an answer. Well finally I managed to find this post card and thought instantly about you- remember when you used to came over to my house on the summer of 96 and we used to drink cheap wine and watch for shooting stars? It was one of those nights that you told me you always wanted to visit Japan and you described it perfectly how you imagined it would be; the big buildings covered with propaganda we wouldn't have understood? Yup I don't know if the postal is exactly how you imagined it but when I saw it I instantly thought of you. I haven't forgot how you used to imagine you always came around here on Winter Time; "Japan must be really nice this time of year" you said one winter night with your arms around my waist. Well it is indeed beautiful right now, you were right as always. You know I always trusted you even when we bought that small black couch for that apartment we afforded after a whole summer of work- It was never big enough for both of us, but that's what you'll loved about it because then we would fall asleep on each other's arms and wake up on the floor hours latter panting and bursting with laughter, remember? So okay before you want to stab me in the back for not telling you the reason I'm sending you this I'll let you know that I just wanted to say Congratulations! At last you'd manage to find the one guy you want to spent eternity with.

"Hey was that a shooting star I just saw?" You asked me once on the 2 of October of 96.

"No that was just a common star pretending to be something quick in the instants of someone's view" You frowned at my lack of imagination and you told me "That's why I like common stars better."
"Really? I thought you were a shooting stars lover" I replied amazed.

And then you let out of your swollen lips one of the most beautiful and deepest things I'd ever heard anyone said "Well shooting stars are indeed beautiful but they are just a flash in someone's life. The pure gaze of one of them can leave you mesmerized for eternity but you would always love an illusion. With normal stars its different though, they are just there before you and there is nothing peculiar about them. All of them seem the same at your sight, until you pick one up amongst the thousands of little dots. One that captivates your attention and that's the beauty of it- that you can take one of thousands of others that to everybody are equal but to you that little common star makes all the difference in the world. And you know that what you see is not a bare illusion or fragment of your imagination; it's something real- something simple that you had converted into something extraordinary. A remanding ordinary star you believe is a shooting one" When you had finished I was mesmerized by your words trembling at your beauty, blinded by your intelligence. I got to say that you finally got your star and I'm happy for it. That's a lucky star you know? I hope you'll make that little tiny dot shine eternally.

Missing you;

Your shooting star.



Spring 2000

I married Jack Henderson or as you call him "my star" a month after your post card arrived. I knew since the moment I walked hand in hand with my now husband out of the cathedral I would never be able to feel for him what I feel for you. It wasn't that he didn't try or that I didn't do my best it's just that that option never seemed possible for me since the day I saw your eyes looking at me. I tried to fool myself for a while assuring myself that I loved Jack that it was just a phase I was going through when I couldn't keep my mind off you, but that phase became a lifetime. There would never be anybody who could disarm me like you always manage to do, there would never be anybody who knew me better than you- because for as sad as it sound you know me better than myself, spending half my childhood an teenager years by my side.

I found your now once a week usual post card hanging on the table of the kitchen. Every postal perfectly picked each letter well calculated to manipulate my emotions. I looked at it curiously- it wasn't a postal of a country around the world you had visited- it was a coffee shop I knew as the back of my hand. I turned sideways the photograph and I was surprised not to find the eighty pages long essay I was used to in the back. Instead I just manage to see the clear sentence hanging in the middle of the paper.

Meet me at 7:00.

I started groaning nervously and it took me minutes to realize that I've been holding to tight to the photograph that my fist was actually hurting. You were in town and you wanted me to meet you tonight. I knew I shouldn't have dressed with the most glamorizing outfit I found on my wardrobe. I knew I shouldn't have taken the keys and invented an excuse to Jack and started the engine. I knew I shouldn't have parked my car in front of the coffee shop and let alone enter it. But you left me no choice- I was sure this was what I wanted, to see you one last time.

I entered to the coffee shop- it was small but cozy. I found you seating on the third table to the right. You approached to me with a gaze I'd only seen once- that was when you chose the world over me. For you it seemed easy to stop by my house just five hours before you took that flight- for you it was nothing complicated, well, you see for me it was a little more difficult to understand- You wanted to see the world, there was no chance of that if you stayed by my side. I didn't need to see anything else because you were my world, but you never understood, your cold dark eyes just gave me that same glance you were giving me now- after years.

You stood from your chair and pointed to the one in front of you ordering me to seat there "I knew you'd come" you smiled.

Your face was after so many years not polished by the years but glittering by the knowledge. If it was possible for me to say it was more gorgeous than I could ever recall. Your now long black hair got in your eyes and your dark blue orbs penetrated through me- it was the purest of your charms. I ordered a coffee nervously. "How have you been?" you popped out of nowhere.

"I've been fine you know, not doing much as you do really what about you?"

"Well traveling a bit here, there, I met England"

"Yes I received your postal"

You sighed "Right the postal. So Umm how is everything going on with Jack?"

"Perfect he is a great man" I finished coldly,

"I guess so…" you played with your fingers nervously or anxiously- but it wasn't the tune you were trying to play that annoyed me it was the fact that I wasn't able to tell if you were doing it to annoyed me or you just do it unconsciously. I couldn't read you like before.

"I always knew what that postal meant" I said out of nowhere.

"Which one?" you stopped the tune your fingers have created.

"The first one you sent… before I got married."

You cast me a curious look "Oh yeah… and what did it meant according to you?"

"According to me? Don't be cynic it never suited you!" I replied angrily.

"It was the most beautiful composition you had ever shown me- every word was well calculated."

You chuckled "And to think you were always the writer, not me"

"Role's change" I said coldly.

"Not all roles"

"Which ones haven't change huh?"

"The role you play in my heart." you reached my hand across the table.

"Don't give me that" I let go of your hand as fast as I could, "I'm not the same person I was when you left."

"But you are just as similar"

I raised my eyebrows "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you haven't changed as much as you claim, if you had you would had stop receiving my postcards long ago and you wouldn't have come today, you haven't stop loving me just like I haven't' stopped loving you." I flinched, how you always managed to see through all of my facades I never know but there I was once again, mesmerized by your words mad at you for saying them, mad at me because I knew they were true.

"Well you're wrong this time. I don't love you anymore" I lied.

You raised my chin with your fingers carefully "Repeat that please"

I made an inhuman effort for letting the words came out of my mouth again "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE" I managed to said at last.

"Weird" you sighed.


"Your eyes tell me the contrary" I stood from the table ready to abandon the place and question myself why I had come in the first place until you caught my wrist and turned me around to face you and then slowly and gently you pushed your lips into mine touching my collarbone with your thumbs. I opened up my eyes carefully afraid that it all might just been a dream "Stop sending me post cards"

"I thought you wanted to see the world?" you questioned.

"Well I have" and I grinned at you "You are my world"

And as I stood for the last time facing you, your arms holding up my waist protectively, your eyes shining with intensity and your mouth an inch from mine curving a genuine smile at the words that had just escape from my mouth I knew that until I met you again I would always be looking back on today.