After making such progress since Kyle's death, it was surprisingly easy to slip back into depression, thanks to the news from Daniel. I wonder, if Kyle hadn't died, how long he would've stayed with me.
Would he have left me the next day, or months later, when his baby was born? .. And would the baby be born now? Was it a boy, or a girl, and did it look like Kyle? God, I had so many questions, and no one to answer them.
Unless, of course, I played detective.
I went into the kitchen, quite drunk by this point, and rifled through the bill drawer, looking for Kyle's cell phone bill. I couldn't check his cell phone – it was totaled in the accident, along with the car itself.
I figured if he'd been dating her for months, he must've called her a lot on his cell phone. Isn't this what they did on all those crappy CSI shows? Check the cell phone bill for frequently called numbers?
Let's see. There was our home number – he'd call it on the way home or from the bar to let me know he'd be late coming home. My stomach clenched as I saw our home number become less and less frequent, and this other number showing up more and more. It had to be her.
I was going to phone it, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I just didn't have the courage.. What would I say to her? What the hell could I possibly say to someone who was fucking around with –my- boyfriend?
.. Is it just me, or am I sounding more and more like some upset girl on Maury or Oprah or something?
So I gave up and crumpled the bill up, tossing it into the garbage, and ordered myself some Chinese food. If I had to be depressed, at least I could be full and physically content, even if I was emotionally wrecked.
I heard a knock at the door, and my eyes flicked to the clock. 'Damn. Sure didn't take long.. I only ordered ten minutes ago.' I thought to myself, and went to the door, blinking at the girl there.
".. Where's the food?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
She looked at me strangely. "… Are you Mitchell?"
".. Yes.. Look. If you're with those people who were offering bible study last week, I'm really not interested."
I wracked my brain to see if that name meant anything to me.. and I was coming up empty-handed. ".. Sorry. I don't.."
She cut me off. "I'm --.. I .. was Kyle's …"
A lesser man would've slammed the door in her face, but I managed to find the self-control to be the bigger person.
"I know you must hate me.. I just want you to know that.. I'm really sorry. I didn't know about you until a little while ago."
"I just found out about you."
"I know… Kyle's brother told me.. That's why.. I came to see you."
"How's the baby?"
She wet her lips, and I noticed she couldn't look me in the eyes. "He's good."
"Kyle would've been thrilled." I was trying to keep my face as expressionless as possible.
"I'm really sorry, Mitchell.. I.."
"Did his parents know?"
".. Daniel told them a little while ago."
"Mitchell, I'd really like for us to be friends.. B.. believe it or not, Kyle loved you a lot.. "
"Not enough, I guess."
"He was really torn up about what was going on. I.. the accident wasn't your fault, Mitchell. He was coming back from my place… I'm so sorry."
Fuck. I might've been pissed off, but I didn't mean to make her cry. I put aside my anger towards Kyle, and let her into the apartment. She was actually really pretty.. More like Kyle's type than I was.
Of course, she was a –woman-, so she must've been more his type… right?
"What'd you name him?" I asked quietly. She sniffled, and took a tissue that I offered her.
I nodded and sighed, and thus began the awkward silence. I saw her pick up a picture of Kyle and I, and I leaned against the wall, watching her.
"You guys looked good together."
"I.. I just wanted to come see you.. I didn't know if you'd be mad at me or not."
"I… don't know."
"It's okay." She smiled at me. "From what Kyle told me, you're a really great person.. "
"Were you angry at him?" I asked. "When you found out?"
"Yeah.. More confused than anything."
".. We could have coffee, I guess." I said finally, and she seemed happy with that.
"Thank you, Mitchell." Nina paused, and then hugged me. "It's good to meet you."
".. You too, Nina."
I watched her leave, and instantly felt shittier about myself. I couldn't bring myself to be angry at her – she didn't know. I was still a little angry at Kyle and Daniel, for lying to me, but now I just felt tired. And hungry.
Shoveling an order of chop suey into my mouth always makes me feel better.
I looked at the picture that Nina had been looking at. Kyle and I looked happy. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I set down the Chinese food. Kyle and I used to be happy.
"You fucking bastard." I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning back. There was a knock on the door, and I sighed. I didn't really feel like company, and I could only hope it wasn't my parents.
He was dressed better than he was the last time he came by, but I noticed he wasn't wearing his collar thing again. He gave me a smile. "Mitchell. I.. came to apologize for the other day. I was completely out of line.."
".. You were."
"Can I come in?"
I nodded and let him in. He didn't sit down, staying near the door, as if he were expecting me to kick him out. "So. "
"I was upset. It was a hard day on my family.. I know it was hard on you too, and I had no right to take it out on you.. I just.. Mom and Dad found out about Nina and the baby, and they were upset that I didn't tell them."
"Are you gay?" I cut in. He looked uncomfortable, and finally swallowed, and nodded.
"Y.. Yeah. I am."
"And.. you.. thought I was cute in high school, or something?"
He smiled a little. "I did.. you look even better now.. You have gorgeous eyes.. If I wasn't terrified, I would've asked you out."
I felt my cheeks reddening, and I had the sudden thought to kiss him, but I pushed it down. "Are you really quitting being a priest?"
Daniel sighed, and he looked pained. "I don't know. There's a lot of factors involved. I'm just tired of all the bullshit.. There's so many cruel people who misinterpret the bible.. use it to their own devices.. And the priests who molest children, or who use fear in their sermons.. I know there aren't a lot, but.. " He sighed again. "I don't know what I want to do.. It is hard.. Confessional is my least favorite part of it, because who do I confess to?"
".. How about me?" I asked quietly. He looked up at me, surprised.
".. I want to kiss you."
I swallowed. "Okay."
He took a step towards me, touching my cheek and finally slipping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. As soon as I felt his lips touch mine, I melted into his arms, feeling the tears stinging at my eyes. I hadn't realized how much I missed even this simple human contact until it was brought back to me.
The warmth was almost overwhelming, and as I felt him pull away, I leaned towards him, not wanting the kiss to end. He finally did pull away from me, and he was bright red.
".. That was worth the wait." He said, running his thumb over my lips. I nodded wordlessly.
"Do you still want to quit?"
"My parents would kill me." He answered, and I couldn't help but flinch. I'd thought the kiss would mean something. Especially a kiss from Daniel, of all people. "But.. yes."
I guess I looked happy, because he grinned, and kissed me again.
"Just give me a while before we have sex.. I.. I've never.. y'know."
I nodded, feeling my heart pounding. For the first time in months, I felt happy as hell. I knew sooner or later, I would fuck it up, but for now, I'd enjoy myself.
And soon – I would get laid again.
Thank you, God.