Blinkers and Me

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I'm tired.

Lost.

Frustrated.

I don't know… whatever.

I feel like a horse with blinkers on

Running blindly in whichever direction I'm pointed in

Breathing, heaving, striving

Tugged at by those relentless

Reins-heartstrings-bonds

To face there there

Completely engrossed in that destination

And nothing else

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I have had blinkers on my whole life.

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Some time later:

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My cousin asked what I consider living. I said school and the things we learn, and the opportunities we get, now and when we grow up. – It's to be able to see beauty in the world. That's living.

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He looked at me, and I smiled at him from underneath my blinkers.

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Well,

So

Is it?

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Sometimes I feel so rushed

So overwhelmed like someone stuffed a big fur coat down my throat

Whoomph!

And I can't breathe.

And yet –

"Aren't they doing excellently? You're 15, you're no longer young. Why can't you?"

Sometimes I feel as if childhood slipped by so fast

You know?

Why wasn't I given a proper childhood? When I think of mine, I think of school.

Nursery – kindergarten – primary school. And then little flashes of me doing childhood things in between.

Is that what normal childhoods are like?

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Half of me kind of wishes that I could just skip this whole thing… and grow up.

But that clashes with the other half

That's still reaching back for

When I was younger, doesn't it?

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I smile wryly, and leave this open-ended.

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