To Describe What I'm Feeling in Words

To describe what I'm feeling in words,
Is not an easy task.

Right now,
I feel empty,
Like there's nothing left inside of me;
There's something that's eating away-
Tearing away-
What's left of me.
I feel hollow and useless.

It hurts to breathe-
Almost like I'm not as important
As someone else who really needs it more than i.

And I feel calm and mellow,
Like nothing can hurt me,
Nothing can harm me…
Nothing can be nothing.

But I feel left out and crushed
When people-
And laughter-
Surround me like no tomorrow.
I can't get into the feeling
Of being so giddy anymore
And enjoying swimming as I used to.

And yet-
There are times when I feel alright:
Like nothings nothing
And I'm okay.
But as soon as it comes,
The fogs back,
I'm not me…
Nothing's everything
And everything's nothing.

I'm getting fed up
Of people telling me lies;
Like my favorite one:
Don't worry,
You'll get better.
Soon, too.
You'll snap out of it.
I wish they'd just take you off of all the stupid medication.
But I wish
People would just but out
When it comes to my wellbeing
And the damned medication that-
I agree, isn't working-
Should work. He'll get it right.
I hope.
Soon, too.

There might not me much of me left by that time, though.
I can feel it eating me away.
But why I won't overdose the next time I take my medicine
And why I won't cut extra deep the next time I cut
Is because I don't think I could live with myself if I did.

It hurts.
I want it to go away.
But I'm scared;
Scared of what I'll be without it;
What I can and can't do;
Of who I'll be;
Or what I become;
Or what I don't,
For that matter.
But I'll get through it,
I hope,
And soon, too.