More and more these days

Memories swarm through my head

Of a time lost in the blaze

Fuel for the fire, warmth to the bed

A past falling apart at the seams

A little me running around

With little dreams and little schemes

And at times I drown

In the deluge of all things past tense

Of an imagination put to the test

A time when things made no sense

Yet, I had the illusion of happiness

Standing alone, remembering a time that used to be

So many promises left broken to myself

'No matter what happens, nothing will ever change me'

A useless promise, it never helped

'I won't be like them when I grow up'

So many memories running rampant

Bringing torture to a photographic memory that won't give up

A memory of the day after I was born; another moment

Lost in the recesses of my mind

A baby me being rolled out, held by a mother out of sight

Seeing two blurs: a father holding his daughter; paramount

Nightmares and dreams beyond count

Flashback of a father that's been long gone

And all that I see of the past

Makes me realize that my only true memory; song

Is disillusionment; a youth gone by too fast

All the illusions I had of a fair world; justice presides

Gone with the wind; trailing behind

Nineteen years gone in the blink of an eye

And through all that I've learned; it's a weakness to be kind

'Nineteen Years,' you exclaim

'That's not sht at all compared to mine'

Now before you scoff, before you try to declaim,

My full; my entire right to whine

Listen to the words that just flow and flow

From my mind to my hand to this pencil that I've worn to a nub

To the earliest time that I can go

In my memories to the beginning of

My conscious thought; my day to day deliberation

Always being picked on

Being hated for everything I've done

Always being watched to make sure I did right

Never left to my own device

Always in trouble from day one

grounded and restricted and had no fun

until the day I grew tired of it and started fighting back

And all that I see in the past

Makes me realize that my only true memory; song

Is disillusionment; a youth gone by too fast

And all that I have left to do is take hits from a bong

Or a pipe or whatever I find

Memories of growing older, colder

'I won't ever smoke marijuana or drink beer,' imagine the design

Each day getting weaker, and this rock on my back; this boulder on my shoulders

Getting heavier; this poison in my veins growing hotter

In my nineteen years, I've experienced more than most do in a lifetime

Don't even diss or try to doubt; it's all just one big teeter-totter

Of my insecurities; my problems, all lost in the bear trap that is my mind

I won't; can't go there again

And thus I think I've lost my mind

Forever and ever atheist until the day I die; amen

I think I've earned my right to whine

My right to cry and carry on the way that I do

Pull off some Jean Claude Van Damme bullshit kung fu

Rip a hole in the walls of reality; go back in time to kill me where I stand

I was just a kid trying to hold on for the ride

And it seems like the whole world had been different

Or maybe it was just the illusion of innocence by my side

Wool pulled from over my eyes; corroded by pains' infliction

And all that I remember from my past

My only true memory; my only true song

My disillusionment; the youth that slid away from me way too fast

"It's too late for me; the inner child; I'm dead.... I'M GONE!!!!"