Chapter 7

Conclusion

Sunday, August 21st, 2005

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Things between John and I were going so well, and then this had to happen. I always say I'm going to break up with him, or yell at him, or rip his head off, and then I do nothing. I give him another chance and let him get away with nothing but an apology.

I wanted to see John on Friday before he left for California. We set up that he would call me as soon as he got home from this concert and then would come over. He said it would be over around 3:30.

At 4:00, there had been no word. At 5:00 still nothing. I went to rehearsal and came back. Nothing. He did not call yesterday morning. He did not call yesterday afternoon. He did not call at all. And now he is most certainly gone.

But, honestly, I don't really care. I don't feel very upset. I think I'm out of tears to cry for him. I'm out of pain so to fell for him. There are only sometimes, I'll be carrying on with my normal life as I want to, when I'll be reminded of him, and then a part of me will say "Why did this have to happen?" And then I'll continue on with what I'm doing.

I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore. I don't feel like he has treated me like his girlfriend. I know that it's not me that has been causing this. It's just the way he is. And I thought I could change him. But I can't.

I don't want to end it. I want the good times to go on forever and ever. But I don't feel that we would get anywhere if we stayed together now. We would just walk in circles, with my hopes rising and crashing with every turn.

I think I've come to the end of this road. I hate to admit it and I'm still unsure, as I can't feel much of anything anymore. I may completely change my mind when I talk to him; If I talk to him. But I think that this is the end, at least for now.