Sleepless nights of pain,
Never happiness again.
I lie awake now at night,
With an empty space beside me.
No more peaceful sleeping nights,
Just more sleepless nights of pain.
The constant beatings. The punches. The kicks. Lying on the floor in pain day in day out. Is that the life a child is supposed to live? Is that a life at all? If you know what's going to happen to you each day. Predict what will happen. Run into a fist, then a knee and last of all a boot. That is no life. No one is supposed to live a life like that. But I do.
Every night it is sleepless. Kane comes in when ever and beats the crap out me. It's normally the night been as that's when he's up and about drinking and filling himself up with crap like drugs. Then he comes back. I know when he's back after a night out. You can hear him coming up the stairs but slipping a lot as he tries to look straight. What he sees through his eyes is a blur been as he's pissed and stoned.
When Kane leaves blood follows him. It's not his blood that is in his footprints. It's mine. I don't remember a lot before I was with Kane. I remember my mom and dad. I was really little. One day I was with them then the next I was with Kane. I wasn't sure what had happened. All I knew for certain were mom was dead. Dad. Dad as far as I knew was still alive. I was about five years old though when I was in Kane's hands for the first time. I saw mom lying on the floor. Blood was dripping from her. That was the only real memory I had of her. My last memory of my mother was as she lay dying. I knew it was Kane who had killed her.
My last memory of dad was different. I loved my dad. He would hold me under the arms and swing me around and around. He would be smiling at me and laughing. I would be there laughing as well, shouting more at him until he collapsed to the ground with me on top of him in his arms laughing saying how much he loved me.
I've lost track of time now. I could have been with Kane for a month, a year or even ten years but I don't know anymore. I've grown a lot though. I'm not as tall as five any more. But when I'm in Kane's hands I'm just as weak as when I was five years old. I still can't stand up to him. He has grown older though and more powerful. There is no way out of this for me but I have learnt to get use to it. I don't cry anymore at the pain. Of course I feel it, but I block it as if it's not really there. I ignore it and move on. That's how I deal with it.
Kane gets pissed off though. He just beats me up more because I show no emotion. Apparently I'm supposed to cry and beg and scream, but I don't. The whole time I'm silent. No noise comes out. The only reason that happens is because I send myself off into another world with my parents. I forget what's happening to me now and I go to the world that my mom and dad are in. They talk to me telling me to be brave, to ignore the pain and just be happy. That also gets Kane angry. When I smile at him even though I'm having the shit kicked out of me. Kane doesn't get me. He doesn't understand how I do it and he gets frustrated. The more frustrated he gets the more he beats me up.
There are some days I get to recover though. Kane just disappears off for a while. For days or even weeks leaving me locked up. When he comes back though he brags about the murders he's committed. While he beats me up he tells me the whole story. He tells it so graphic that it's like a video playing in my mind.
"The way the guy lay there. He was crying, begging for his life. I stood there in front of him I didn't know what to do. In the end I just laughed at him. The guy was pathetic. Begging me for his own life. It didn't work though. His begging didn't matter to me. I still shot him. I shot him right between the eyes. The look on his face, you should have seen it Jess, it was a look of shock and horror. He was dead. His lifeless body lay still on the ground. The blood slowly dripping from his forehead quickly spread over the floor. One day you'll be like that Jess. Lifeless on the floor with your red thick blood dripping to the ground, and when that happens, I'll be standing there laughing." Kane had said.
That's what he had told me about one of his murders. He had gone to Cyprus just to kill that guy. It had given me nightmares for weeks, the pictures playing in my mind, the words repeating in my head. It had tormented me. As had all the other things that Kane had told me. That's where Kane had been stupid. He had told me everything. What happened if I did manage to escape? He'd certainly come after me to kill me because of what I knew, but would I be willing to tell anyone?
As time goes by the days continue. Kane still beats me up, still tells me the horror stories that keep me up at night and the bruises that cover me reappear. This won't end and it never will do.