Eulogy of A Very Disappointing Author
I devised was a generational shift in warfare, the fifthgeneration of combat.
Since I started my first war, I had the luxury of completely shaping the Battlespace."
-A Very Disappointing Author
Today we are here to honor and remember the service and sacrifice of A Very Disappointing (ing as in spring) Author. Earlier today AVDA made the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we cherish. This mourning at undetermined time, the disappointing author died while blatantly violating the site terms of service and copyright laws in the science fiction section, valiantly putting his blood, sweat, and tears into submitting a hand-typed transcription of an person's copyrighted story out of Analog Science Fiction and Fact magazine.
The submission was a sixteen-thousand word transcription of a novella by Michael A. Burstein, from the September issue. The story was called Sanctuary, a tell of a Catholic priest's dilemma on a space station several centuries in the future. This is immaterial. What matter's is that AVDA, as we've come to know him, sacrificed his account for the rest of us.
His final pseudonym was MuteTealBlossom, and his death was at the hands of the administrators. He awoke the dragons in the process of being consumed. He showed all those watching that grace in fact resides at this site. Justice is dispensed. Sometimes, a blatant act of plagiarism goes punished. Such an honor can only come from the best of humanity, perhaps only from a messianic figure. AVDA seemed like a second coming to me.
Since the founding of his account, he replenished our biosphere with the peace and unity it once had. Under a previous nom de plume, AVDA served an extended tour of duty enforcing the peace in the fallout from the Great Fictionpress War, as he explained in his memoirs. The true proof that a messianic figure is doing his job is when we faintly noticing his hand in things. Indeed, many enjoyed the benefits of his labor only to learn the cause when reading his memoirs. And what a scholarly composition that was! When googling fifth generation warfare, I discovered his acumen in the art of conflict ranked among the giants of the first page of the Google search. His claim to be the first to actually conduct an experiment on these theories rings true.
His colleagues, unaware of his application of these theories, projected the applicable reality of their work several decades into the future. They have not fully realized the potential of fourth generation war, let alone 5GW. And yet, this man didn't apply it for destruction, but for safeguarding the tenuous peace. It worked like an invisible guiding hand. In his able hands, the battlespace seemed infinitely malleable.
But his accomplishments didn't end there. AVDA was above all a scholar steeped in the scientific method. He experimented and evaluated his handiwork. This figure exercised his analytical skills studying the biosphere's reaction to synthetic poetry; verses constructed by computer. Perhaps depressingly, feedback for synthetic verses were indistinguishable from the reviews given to poetry naturally penned by human beings. He concluded the obsolescence of humanity in the field of poetry is approaching, and after seeing his disappearance, I'm inclined to agree. It is a dying art form.
AVDA also heavily utilized mathematics in his scholarly discipline. As a historian of the Great Fictionpress War, this giant employed the Gunning Fog Index to gauge the writing strength of the two factions. He discovered the two factions averaged not even a differential of a whole point, but rather their literary difference was down to a fraction. This was the truth of a techno-Jesus.
Near his end, AVDA followed the philosophy of Sir Karl Raimund Popper (not the Animatrix character from A Kid's Story) in creating an open society at Fictionpress. In creating this reality, this scholar fused fifth generation war theory with gonzo journalism, revealing information about the players of the latest flame war. Like a boy crying Tom Wolfe, AVDA penned a narrative about the sock puppet accounts, revealing vital bits of information about Le Creature, Justin Brenis, and maybe a little about Bryan Ritchey. His transient journalism career reviewed theater and sports in the Cleveland area, as well as a report on where charity money was really going. This spawned emulations from the new breed of writers in the realm of "new journalism," those like Chris Redfield. He legacy lives on in his unfinished manuscript about his long series of candid interviews with Le Creature. Regrettably, this will have to be released posthumously.
Always a war correspondent, AVDA deeply embedded within the Film Action Guild, even becoming an instructor, training Hollywood celebrities to disavow allegiance to the United States for their safety. When enemies of the state leaked the program, AVDA braved the dangers inherent in hunting for the mole, followed by a harrowing ordeal in ousting Kim Jong Il. Not all of his operations are known, but in this quasi war, he managed to gain the confidence of the dictator, infiltrating his inner sanctum in preparation for the assault by the Neoconservative Advanced Defenders (NADs). That NADs had been kicked thoroughly by the Axis of Evil in Iraq, so when they kicked back in North Korea, it served as a boost to the unit (how's that for a double entrée?).
When the assault on Kim's highly-phallic Nodong launch pads failed, it was AVDA's engineering skills that saved countless lives. From a facility somewhere in Alaska, he'd worked tirelessly on the site of the Grand Cannon mockup built by anime convention-goers for the twentieth anniversary of Macross (Robotech in America), converting the cavernous complex into a faith-based missile defense shield. Powered by incinerated poorly-written religious essays, the cannon, in the process of being canonized, was under the command of the Papal Nuncio when the Nodang missiles accelerated off their pads. I was privileged to operate the console, a massive baroque pipe organ, playing Ode to Joy until the Nuncio was sure Kim's fleet had been depleted.
Countless sailors now and always owe their lives to AVDA, for the asinine logic of the Open Source Faction distorted the Sea of Japan into a sub reality where kamikaze MiG-21s acquired the cinematic power of suicide pilots of bad action movies. In this sub reality, the reality of American naval dominance no longer protected a destroyer flotilla. Only the Pat Robertson-class holy water cannons, devised by AVDA, intercepted the diving suicide pilots.
I know I owe more than I can ever repay to this scholarly warrior-poet. We all do. He's validated our beliefs and died for them, all perfectly on schedule. Let us all pay tribute to our lost friend with a raucous Irish wake.
You achieved all I ever asked, my friend! Today, I know you're with Socrates.