No one knows what to expect of people. Not even your own flesh and blood. You may look at someone and they seem the same as how you remember them; like they never change. They could seem happy one day and the next they are thrown in jail for a horrendous crime you never thought them capable of. You really can't tell about people. Parents may find their own children, dead… hung from a showerhead or spread across the plains along the train tracks. They can't believe why their child would do it. They brought their child to the world with love and care. They gave him/her everything they had to give. They couldn't possibly offer anything more. They may believe it wasn't enough but it may not have anything to do with that. Suicide.

Illegal Escape

You can't say I don't know it well

I reside in the province of suicide

In the second vastest country on the globe

I half-belong to that very culture

That stands ever so close

To the capital of suicides

Of this pathetic place you call the world

I was already infected by it at a very young age

Age four could have been my first and last

Just aware of everything around

Capable of keeping significant memories

Feeling the power of all emotions

Interpreting everything as a whole

So soon

I laugh at my feeble attempts

Immature

Irresponsible

Frightened by the pain

Terrified by death itself

I wasn't ready

I'm not afraid anymore

I've thought it through

I don't fear death

I do fear pain

Terribly

But I know what to do

I've studied this carefully

A painless way

I have the plans in detail

Every aspect

I know how I would go

It would be in a bathtub

Naked in the warm water

All cleaned up and ready

I would make precise incisions

Through as little flesh as possible

My skinny wrists

To the correct artery

A vertical line

Not horizontal

Along the blood vessel

Slightly painful

But only at first

Listen carefully now

As the blood mixes

In with the warm water of the tub

As the pressure drops

To a comfortable level

My body will empty itself

Very smoothly

Very peacefully

I don't fear death anymore

I would not worry

I would not panic or feel distress

Long before I die

I will fall unconscious

The blood flow would slow to the brain

Leaving a pleasant feeling of passing out

A sleep at first

Where my ideas could be as I want them

Then they will begin to fade

I will no longer respond to the world around us

An escape though not yet permanent

Close enough

It may take another moment

For my heart still beats faintly

No worries

It will stop in time

My body will be very still

My blood will stop leaving my body

My mind will still be fading away

The sleep will become more permanent

I will start losing memories and knowledge

They will be erased

But the brain may function some more

My body is still letting go slowly

It isn't ready to give up just yet

It knows loyalty very well

It doesn't want to die yet

But it deepens on me

I am taking it down with me

Piece by piece

In the bathtub

Very still and quiet

My body will not blame me

My system will shutdown altogether

A permanent disconnection to my physical self

By now there really isn't much left of my mind either

Only slim puzzle pieces that can't distinguish between shapes

Many will consider that I would be dead at that time

Most believe it happened when the heart stopped

There's more to it than that

Every death is unique

My subconscious will shape my death

It will choose when its ready to give up

It will choose to shutdown

I will give it that power

Trusting that it will know what I desire

Perhaps more than I do even

Why would someone

Who doesn't hate anyone or anything

Want to end his life you ask?

There are many other things that I still feel

I am not that different from you

I still feel regret

I still feel disgust

I still feel helplessness

I still feel insecurity

I still feel despair

But the greatest pain I feel

Comes from others

It seems it's never about me

It's always from what's around

My troubles are your own

My regrets are your regrets

My love is for you

It's never about me

So how will my death solve anything?

My donated heart

Will not help the dying patient

On the operation table

My donated brain

Will not help the scientists

Discover a medical breakthrough

My death will serve no one

I am useless even in death

It would be selfish

From a person who feels so much

For others

Worry not

If I wanted to end my life

I would have done it long ago

Like I said

I don't fear death

But what you don't know

Is that I don't fear life either

I love life as much as death

Call me crazy

Call me compassionate

I know what I am

I also know how I will die

I will never kill myself

I owe this much to myself

I owe it to the possibility

Of something better

You understand where my sorrows come from

They are yours

My heart bleeds for you

Not me

This is why I could never kill myself

Not because I'm crazy

Not because I am a coward

Not because I bare to little pain

I love my life

I love my small body

My smooth skin

My cuddly hairs

My heartbeat

My small lungs

My sparkling eyes

My sexy features

My quiet breath

I know that I will not die of natural causes

It will be a more painful death

I will most likely burn

In the midst of a broken race car

At the bottom of a cliff

In the middle of the woods

I may even be lucky and survive

But then I would die of cancer

As my own flesh

Plans to defect

Against my wishes

An organized rebellion

Within my own body

Taking every cell out with it

Embarking on a mission

Of death and decay

I could not bare that

Not a betrayal from my own body

Not like that

But how is suicide any different

Wouldn't I be betraying my body in turn?

Understand why I need to love myself

Understand why I would despise to die that way

That death would be intensely painful

Only because I fear rejection so much

I would die if I started to reject myself

Even on a cellular level

I understand why my cells might wish to defect

I understand why people might do the same

So many injustices

So many pains

So little to live for

But they are betraying so many people

They betray me

I am not about to do the same

I will never choose that way out

I'll tell you what I'll do

But you must promise not to do anything about it

I will continue waiting for my moment

I will watch your every move

I will be there to soak up some of your pains

And I wont say a word

You will tell me things

I will listen

But I will conspire

One day it will all stop

You will tell me more of what you want

This time I will choose

I will choose to leave it all

I will choose what I need

That day I will drop my things and go

I know how to disappear

I can make myself like a ghost

You will never see me again

You wont be able to track me down with my credit cards

You wont be able to place my name to a number

I will destroy everything that I own

I will cut all of my cards

I will burn all of my papers

I will have no name

I will have no money

I will have no records of my birthplace or my old life

I will be far away from here

I will simply vanish to a new beginning

You will not be able to follow me if you tried

I will need to be alone

I am trying to get away from it all

I am not afraid

I can put everything behind me

I can become anything I want to become

But the moment you interfere with it

I will be gone

I will always seek a place

Where people are truly happy

And the very begging of this journey

Will have to be done on my own

Then it will be a simple matter of making others happy

For that's all I want

I want those around me to be happy

Because that is what I feel

I feel those around me

They give me the emotions

They make me live

If they are not truly happy

I will never be free

I will never truly be alive

But I will not give up hope

I can disappear

And I already know some who will follow

To our happy place

Anywhere were you're not

Anywhere where your rules do not apply

The only place where people like me can be happy

Otherwise you can shoot me in the head

Because I wont kill myself

As long as you don't throw me in prison

Or cuff me to the side of the streets

In the worst place in the world

In the cities

Where all my fluids will spill to the ground

In utter disgust

I can feel your misery

And it makes me want to puke my guts out

I need to leave

Let me go

I can't bear to see you torture me like this

Not me or anyone else

Just let me go

Let me escape this world you have created

Let me go to where I belong

I don't need to die

Neither does anyone

Just let us make our own place

Where you can't harm us

Where we don't need to harm ourselves

If death can be called harm at all

I found my peace now let me use it

For the benefit of my brothers and sisters

Let me be happy

In the short life I have left

Let me make others happy

I beg you