Author's Note: You might call this a journal or a diary. I will just call it my thought book. I don't think it's a journal or diary because I don't write in it every day and it is only about subjects that worry about me, I need to write down, or I think about a lot. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this, but sometimes getting your thoughts down on paper helps. This is rated M for it will have references to things like sexual content, swearing, and rape. Maybe other stuff too. Now, I shall let you read!
I have so many fears. And sometimes I'm just so fearful. I just can't help it. Let me tell you my fears first. Being raped, being murdered, closed, dark spaces, the dark, that I'll never get anywhere in life, insects, and the life after death and dying.
I know that being raped for anyone isn't a happy thing at all. You're sexually assaulted, used for a pleausure against your own will. Your virginity (if you still have it) is stripped from you, taken away just like that.
And you want to scream or cry. Or just stop feeling. Go onto your bed, lie down and never wake up. You want to end it all…
I'm sure that's how I would feel if I were raped. I know that I'd feel that way. I am not exactly sure if this is a true fact, but I've heard that one in five children are raped.
Am I going to be one of those people? Every day I desperately hope that I won't. But, you can't stop fate. And what if fate has that in store for me?
It makes me so scared. Whenever I think about rapists or the people I have been raped I get mad at the people who do things like this and I feel so sad and depressed for those people who have been raped.
As I write this right now, I have a grim and saddned expression on my face. I think about this so often. What if I fight back?
But, what if I can't win? I don't know what to do…
I wish not to bore you with my ramblings and babblings, but this all of this is what I must write down. I can not go to someone like my mother to talk about this. I've talked to my friends and they have tried to comfort me, but it did nothing.
And what of being murdered? I don't believe in the death sentence because some of the people are innocent, but I can't bare to think of someone killing me.
One minute I'm alive, the next, I'm sprawled on the floor a lifeless corpse.
I could die in five seconds, at any time.
My life lies in fates hands.
Have you ever had an MRI? I do not recall what it stands for. But, I had to lay there for fourty-five minutes, not able to move, only able to see a small opening that my feet stood out of. On top of me was the machine. At any given moment it could collapse and crush my body.
Every minute that I was in there, I thought about that. Why did I not go into the open one you ask?
I have year 'round allergies. They plague me every day. I cough a lot and that day was no exception.
I would have probably had to redo many things for the MRI many times. No way did I want that!
We were allowed to bring music, but the pouding noises almost completely droaned it out. I was left with a pulse breaking headache that made me want to never feel again.
Have you ever been trapped somewhere? Unable to get out, but desperately want to.
I have. I was in my basement, and beingabout eight then, I turned off the lights thinking that I could make it back up. I spun around and around, until I was so dizzy that I felt like I was on the titanic and it was tipping over.
I fell to the ground and put my hands on the walls, trying to find my way up the stairs.
But, this was to no prevail. I did not find the way. I started to panic, tears rapidly running down my face.
Would I ever get out of here? Would I be stuck in the dark, full of monsters, ghosts, witches, murderers, and rapists until the morning?
I started to sob. I screamed for someone to find me, someone to come down and get me out of the basement.
It was some time later, I do not know when for I was to absorbed in my fear to check my watch, but some time later when my brother opened the door.
He told me to shut up, being the caring, loving, and gentle brother he was. He turned on the lights, and went up to his room, leaving me there to deal with my tears.
Doesn't everyone want to be successful? Not all want to be rich, but to have a good amount of money, to be able to live comfortably?
I want that. But, what if that doesn't happen?
What if I have not talent that will help me get there?
One of my dreams is to become a writer, or at least a part time one. But, do I have what it takes? I am not asking to become J.K. Rowling. Just a writer that some people like. I do not want a fortune, just for people to enjoy. But, I have low self esteem and do not think that I have what it takes to get there.
Being a civil or corportate lawyer would be nice. You'd get a nice sum of money. Or being a pschyiatrist. Though, those mental patients would be scary.
I hate insects of all kinds. Some, I fear and some I do not. I hate ones that fly. Not butterflies, but moths, dragon flies, and other flying insects.
And crawling ones like spiders. I hate when they come into my room. I see them and then run to my bathroom to get a tissue to kill them.
It either takes me a lot of courage and time to kill them or I cannot find them.
And then images of them crawling up me and going into my mouth while I am awake come into my mind.
It is true that people eat bugs while they are sleeping. I am not bothered by that. As long as I am not awake. I just can't stand them.
What happens when you die? I am Roman Catholic so, I believe in heaven and hell, but what if I go to hell?
Burning fires, the devils face as he laughs at you, my fears coming true…
I do not want that life. I am not afraid of God. I talk to him in my head. Some people have a little voice in their head that is actually them that they talk to. I call it God.
But, I am still so scared that I will go there.
And I hate to say this, but as I get older I have more doubts about my religion.
Why did the Roman Catholics do so many evil things, like the crusades?
Is there really a God?
Why can't you have sexual content if you really love someone?
Gay people deserve love, don't they?
And why do you have to fear God? Can't he be your friend?
What if Heaven or Hell does not exist. I will cease to exist in this world.
I will be nothing.
And why does God not stop bad things for happening?
Murder, rape, tsunamis, hurricanes...
He is more powerful than the Devil. Why?
My fears are so strong… Yet, I cannot contain them. I only wish that they will never become true.
Author's Note: Did you like? This is all true by the way. Please review and tell me what you think!