Closer To You: Letters To Sammy
I stand in the empty apartment, trying hard to understand, trying hard to keep myself from collapsing. This day has been a long one. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. So much has happened and I don't know what to do. Walking through the house I am haunted by memories. The dreams, the laughter, the tears imbedded in the walls seem to cry out. I am confused, afraid, afraid being alone, afraid because I will never see him again. I will never hear his small gurgling, or his big bright eyes staring up at me, or that sweet innocent smile he gave me every morning. Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Should I have turned him in? I do not know. My heart is aching and I must do something.
I walk over to my backpack and pull out my notebook and begin to read the letters I had written each day to him, to Sammy.
June 2, 2005
Today you were born in the back of an old rundown truck behind Fisher's Grocery store. Your mom, Sarah, had a hard time and I had to help out. But I didn't know nothing about having babies so my only guide was a book with pictures, showing how it was done. I did the best I could but….it wasn't good enough. Today after many hours and after you finally entered this world, your mom, Sarah, who was sixteen, died. She was worn out and her expression pained. But before she…passed on she saw you and she smiled. Looking up at me with sweat pouring down her beautiful face and her long brown hair clinging to her head, she said:
"Take…care of our little Sammy, Eli."
It was in that moment that the last breath left her and it was just you and me, alone in that old truck. I held your bloody naked body in my arms and stared down at you. You were screaming bloody murder and your body was red as red could be. You had no hair what so ever. I was confused and afraid, not knowing what to do. Losing your mom was tough for me. I didn't know what I was going to do without her. I had loved her as best as I could.
You see Sammy, I was only seventeen when me and your mom…well we weren't married when she got pregnant with you.
Sarah, your mom, had lived a hard life, her parents being real religious and everything. And when she met me I kind of helped her escape from that life she was being forced to live. Your mom and me had come from two different lives.
My dad's a drunk and would beat me when he came home from running around. We didn't have much money and since my mom had died from cancer when I was a little boy, I was alone. I wanted to get away from that life and when I met your mom I found a kindred spirit, someone to whom I could share my deepest thoughts with.
Man, I loved your mom so much. They say teenagers can't love but I think they're wrong. Cause what I felt for your mom was true and beautiful. I needed her and she needed me.
Me and Sarah spent a lot of time together in the evenings after school. We would go for long walks in the park and we had such a good time together. Pretty soon though we started to have feelings for each other. And one day, I remember it so well, we were laying in the grass at the park in the evening, staring up at the sky. It was a nice evening and a warm breeze was blowing. Your mom was laying in my arms and I can still hear her soft laughter in my mind. It was there on that day that I we shared our first kiss. As cheesy as it may sound it was wonderful. (I know you're too little to understand this now but one day when you're older you can read this and you'll know what I'm talking about.)
Anyways, one thing led to another that evening and weeks later your mom came to my house. My dad was out running around, as usual, and I was sitting in my the living room. She knocked on the door and went to it. When I saw it was her I smiled shyly.
"Hey Sarah," I said.
"Eli, we…need to talk," she said.
"Okay. Come on in," I said motioning for her to step into the house.
We sat down on the couch side by side. I noticed she was very troubled and tears filled her eyes.
"Oh Eli, I'm….I'm pregnant!" she exclaimed.
I was stunned and didn't know how to respond.
"But…I mean…we only…once. How…?" I said, dumbfounded.
"It can happen. But I…I took a pregnancy test…and I went to the doctor," Sarah said.
"Did the doctor…say you were?" I asked.
"Yes, he…did," Sarah said lowering her head.
"What am I going to do?" she said.
"Are…you going to leave me now?" she asked, tears streaming down her face.
My heart was pounding and thoughts rushed through my head. I was scared but I knew that I would never leave her like that. It was tempting but I had been the cause of the problem and I loved Sarah.
"No, of course I'm not going to leave you! I'm going to be with you no matter what," I said, trying to assure.
"We'll…we'll be fine," I said.
I placed my arms around her and held her as she cried.
That was just the beginning of our problems. But for now I'll have to end this letter. I love you Sammy.
To Be Continued…