HOW TO BECOME POPULAR ON FICTIONPRESS

A logical guide.

First off, one cannot be cool if one does not have a cool name. This depends on what type of "literature," if the tripe you'll submit can be considered literature, you'll be adding to FictionPress. Are you going to be hanging out in the horror, supernatural, or play categories? Choose one of the following:

xXDeAdPrInCeSsXx

IBleedBlack

xCryinginClassx

Totally deep, right? You can get a lot out of those names, eh? I bet Napoleon Dynamite would like those names. And you can totally relate to Napoleon Dynamite because, like, you totally know what it's like to be outcast, even though you're alienating yourself.

All of these names are trendy, as are the things you'll put in your profile. Regardless of whether or not you actually like them in real life, on FictionPress you like the Ataris, Hawthorne Heights, and My Chemical Romance. You enjoy watching Napoleon Dynamite, cutting yourself, and reading Catcher in the Rye. Make sure to stick some excessive whining about parental units at the end of the summarization of your internet presence.

Stick two or four lines from an emo song at the end of the profile. For example:

"My girlfriend broke up with me today

And I'm really getting so very mad

I'm a pit of moral decay

I'll cut myself and make you sad" – New Found Glory

I just made that up off the top of my head, but I will commit seppuku with a bamboo sword on live television if that isn't the way every emo song goes.

- - -

Now, you've got the other end of the FictionPress popularity spectrum: so-called "otakus" that think they're Japanese but are actually pasty white kids who live in their parents' basement and weigh upwards of five hundred pounds.

Needless to say, we're going to be needing some faux Japanese for the username:

Kotaku

Shii Tawashi

Kawaii Baka No Desu

SakuraChan

Badass, huh? You'll be the big man on campus when you go around in your undersized Azumanga Daioh shirt, making lame anime expressions and making broken attempts at Japanese using the ten Japanese words you know.

Now that you've got your nut-kicking username, we're going to submit some work. The following two segments are in this order: emo and then anime loser. Respectively.

- - -

Submit poetry using the following format

Statement about former girlfriend

Statement about self-mutilation

Blatant disregard for standard lyrical structure

Statement about the inevitable end of the Earth

Claim to possess black tears

Claim that you, the reader, has ripped out the narrator's heart

Repetition of line two with a slight variation in words

Poor attempt at a scathing social and/or political statement

Repetition of line seven with words that a subtly changed structure

Repetition of line five with a slight variation in wording

Repetition of line nine with slightly different use of the English language

Closing as if the slipshod attempt at poetry was a suicide note

- - -

Stories take a bit longer to write, but not much longer, really.

Grammatically, emo writing is messier than the head of a man who got sniped from two feet away. Capitalization happens in the middle of a sentence, and periods, used sparingly, are stuck in the middle of random words. You entire story, regardless of length, should be one big paragraph. It's easier to read that way.

The following is a bit of emo writing that I've written just for today's mini-lesson:

"he sat Alone on a fen.ce in the vaelly of teh death bleeding Hart and. why he lives twoday is no one knows but he cuts himself 4 u 2 b his emo baeb BUT!!!!! he is lieking teh Guy.z"

- - -

Anime losers… do not submit poetry. You will be punished strictly should you deviate from the anime loser path, for bad poetry is the realm of the emo. They will commence gang rape should you stay into their territory.

Anime grammar consists of the following: random capitalization, periods ending six sentences at once, apostrophes in the wrong places, and overuse of commas. Before I write up an example, I must stress how cliché your characters and situations have to be. Your main character must be a shy, awkward male surrounded by incredibly attractive women with large chests who are all trying to fuck him at once, somehow able to look past his socially retarded, sweaty demeanor. However, instead of getting fucked several times a day by a group of horny women, he tries to run away like a pussy. No pun intended, though there's nothing wrong with a pussy running if it grows a pair of legs. Good for it. Break ethnic stereotypes.

"Kotuishi-san went to the Desert Temple of Shikawa Mountain, where, he saw, with hair on his face, their was a lot of g-g-girls (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?) that were There. and kotuishi-san sat down on teh rocking chaeir and went to Kotamakawashii road to kill teh lone samurai."

- - -

There you go, kids. A foolproof guide to becoming popular on FictionPress. Hope you enjoy your newly-acquired popularity!

My girlfriend dumped me

I'll cut myself all night long

Then maybe she'll be sorry

And she'll learn that she was wrong

- Taking Back Sunday, "Death Flows Unto My Black Veins of Eternal Despair For Eternity."