Handmaid

How beautiful she was

in her ruby raw relic

the bridesmaids dress

handmaiden

into a wedding gown of pearl strung agony;

peel away

her yellow

fleshy lining

until you can see just how ugly she really is.

How many pages did she turn

until each word

(matching perfectly with the face)

could be found

plotted

like a cheap novel

with his flame retardant cigarettes

that smelled nothing of tobacco

and only of him.

His eyes were so hollow then

like

the orange glow of the sky

when it bounces off of Rainer

and sends it fleeing in through my window curtains

to torture my sleeping womb awake.

Arise

wake her

from her slumber

with your big

boy

hands;

shove yourself back into me,

like a chain smoker

you will never burn out for me.

It was back in the 80's

when his smile was swollen

with cedar bark

and little girls

(still born, little girls)

swimming

like birds

in the water.

Take her across the waves

and put fright in her for the eel grass

(that same eel grass

that

that

boy drowned in;

yesterday

or sometime back in May,

when his body got caught in the net and never came back to the shore.)

Kill her with memories

she's

made of plastic

can't you see,

gauzy

dough-like

plaster girl;

plaster her

on whatever it is that will keep her under;

like the lace underwear

I wore

for

no one else but me.

Kill her with raw eyes

and hands;

fingers

that trace the lines of her new lands;

the lands that shifted away from the ocean

when she became a women

though still very much a child she is.

How wonderful she is

like prize winning Mozart

that you stole

to win

at the school fair

(you and your bad poetry)

(you and all of the people who really hate you)

She found gods in aliens

where else could all that power lie

(heaven

is a haven

as yet

unmapped

through the stars)

Turn her into your star system

your glazed north

and

slightly south

of the border

girl;

define her so well

that she'll get lost

when she tries to find herself.

I want you to name each corner of my heart

like he did;

unwanted

unloved

unstable

unsatisfied

unrealistic;

put your finger in me

until you can find the point where I end.

Find the silence

that I have heard;

find the purple ring that wrinkles my face with joy

or

find happiness

in the light flickering

honey colored daze

on my face

when I pause to notice

just how beautiful she really was.