Frozen Inside

I'm alone but…. I don't care. It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters… Not really. Not truly.

He comes up to me. Talks to me.

I blink up at him. Once…twice…thrice… Blankly. Not really understanding. Not really caring.

He stares at me for a moment, expecting more. After all, that's what life's about. Everybody expects more from you then you're willing to give…

I don't move, don't even try to get away as he rambles on.

I can't get away. I want to…but I can't.

((What? Did you think we'd be together and then everything would be okay?))

His next words – about how stupid love is, spoken with mirth, hit a nerve. I struggle…

I struggle to breathe. I struggle to hold back the tears. I struggle to keep from breaking down and showing everybody just how weak I am.

I remember last night. I remember this morning.

((Look. You were a pro. Really. But it's time to move on. You're playing with the big boys now …))

I remember…things…. Things that I'd just rather not remember, things that I cannot forget…no matter how hard I try.

He keeps on talking, happy at finally finding an audience to listen to his rather pompous speech, not caring at all that I'm not moving.

Not moving. God, it's actually really hilarious. I'm frozen…frozen solid inside

And no one seems to understand.

No one seems to care. No one…

They look at me…and I can see it in their eyes. I want to erase it, to make everything better.

But no, life's not like that.

As he talks about all the great advances we've made in history and all the earthquakes and death that are slowly unraveling us, I know better.

((Poor poor little girl, thought you finally had a man's love. Learned your lesson, didn't you?))

Thing's will never be the same again…my Angel's gone.

And I'm numb with shock. Frozen, frozen all the way inside.

And that will never change. Never.

I slowly stand up, even as he starts talking about scientific theories and things that really seem to matter to him.

I remember…everything. I remember things that I cannot forget…

Their faces. The disgust, the shock, the disbelief…

I remember.

The utter disgust that I'd slept with a monster he couldn't even embrace as a man.

The shock on her face that I'd done something so careless, so selfish…

The disappointment, the disbelief that I could do such a thing so thoughtless…

I've been told…yesterday…today…everyday…

A person has to be strong…

He rambles on about Machiavelli's idiotic idea that men should separate emotion from pursuit.

I gasp back the sobs as they threaten to explode from me…control my tears…

Then I tell him I have to go. Before he has time to even blink, I'm gone and he sits there. Just like me. He's dust, frozen in time…

And so are my insides…

I turn to go, and chant my given mantra.

I chant it over and over in my head as I walk on…numb…frozen solid inside…

Nothing matters. Not really. Not truly.

Nothing…ever…will again…

Because my Angel's gone…

I walk on… Alone…once more…Alone…

And frozen inside….