Protégez-Moi De Que Je Veux

Epilogue – Goodbye My Lover

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

The next day after the wedding was an absolute nightmare – everyone had a screaming hangover, and only wanted to stay in bed. But we couldn't, as my grandparents had a flight to catch to head back to Boston.

Despite the years of animosity between us, I was genuinely sad to see them go. I'd developed an odd sort of argumentative affection for them. And a dependency. They'd proved to be a rock on which to lean over the last few turbulent weeks, spouting priceless if somewhat annoyingly clichéd advice.

The airport was, of course, packed and bustling with hundreds of people all going places and doing things. My mother, grandparents, Richard and I stood in a small circle not saying a word.

"Flight 242 to Boston boarding at gate 12," a strangely robotic female voice intoned on the speaker. "Flight 242 to Boston boarding at gate 12."

"That's us," my grandmother said needlessly, clasping and unclasping her hands nervously. "Well, thank you very much for having us." My grandfather nodded, and they started walking towards the gate.

I watched them leave. My mother and Richard watched them leave.

"Wait!" I yelled, on impulse. "Grandmother, Grandfather!" I ran after them.

"Really Silence, is all that yelling entirely proper-" I cut off my Grandfather's indignant chastisement by launching myself at him and wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug. For a breathless ten seconds, he didn't respond. But then he put his arms around me and returned the fervent pressure.

"Goodbye, Grandfather," I muttered, pressing a kiss to his weathered cheek. He smiled, transforming his face from severe and cold to warm and loving.

"See you later, pumpkin," he replied, smoothing my ruffled hair with his hand. I smiled, before turning to my grandmother.

"Goodbye, Grandmother," I whispered in her ear. "You're welcome back anytime."

"See you later, Silence," she responded like my grandfather, returning my hug and kiss affectionately. "Soon."

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

When we got back to the house, I called Mary-Alice, a plan formulating in my mind. After the previous night, I was in turmoil. I rehashed everything with her, and, despite her remonstrations about sleeping with Gabriel and lamentations that I had been so cruel, she agreed to my plan.

That was the best thing about Mary-Alice – no matter what, I knew she was there for me.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
my heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

I didn't want to see Gabriel. I was positive that if I saw him, he'd want to talk me into sharing my feelings. I didn't want to.

Giving someone your virginity was a big step, sure. But giving your heart was another matter completely. You could only really give it once. And I wasn't sure that I wanted to give it to Gabriel. I was sure that he was the only one who could break it, though, and that was something I didn't want to risk.

I was eighteen, for God's sake! I had no business falling in love!

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
you can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I approached Richard that night. I waited until my mother went to bed before knocking on his study door.

"Silence?" he frowned, and looked at the clock. The time read quarter past eleven. "What are you still doing up? I thought you went to bed ages ago?"

"I did," I replied honestly. "I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk."

He indicated that I should take a seat across from him. I did. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm sure you're aware that I've been in a relationship with Gabriel, more or less, for the past few months." I waited until he nodded, before telling him the rest. He was more than a little shocked.

"I'm surprised at you, and disappointed in you, Silence," he said, the look in his eyes very serious indeed. "I think you and Gabriel have acted really irresponsibly. But, before you ark up," he added when I opened my mouth to protest, "I'm well aware that I'm not your father, and that my track record isn't all the best when it comes to wise decisions of the heart. My question to you is, what are you going to do about it?"

And so I told him my plan.

And, surprisingly, after some coercion and pleading, he agreed.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

The airport the next day, was, as before, very busy. And again, everyone had places to go and things to do, and I and the few people who had come to see Mary-Alice and myself off stood around in a quiet circle not saying anything at all.

"Flight 736 to Paris boarding at gate five, flight 736 to Paris boarding at gate five now." This time it was a male robotic voice.

I stooped and grabbed my travel bag. My suitcases had been loaded on the plane previously. "That's us," I said to Mary-Alice, my tone falsely bright. Like the weather was dark and overcast outside, so too was I feeling gloomy and close to tears and still too proud to admit it.

"Have a good time girls," Richard told us, handing me the credit card he was loaning me. I wasn't to worry about expenses, he had told me. He would cover all our costs for the next three months. "Gaston is a good friend of mine, he'll take care of you," he added, mentioning the elderly gentleman who was to be our 'chaperone'.

"Thanks," I mumbled, giving him an awkward hug. I could tell he was surprised – we barely got along at the best of times lately. "For everything." He just nodded.

My mother was a ball of tears when I turned to give her a hug and say goodbye. "You won't change your mind and stay?" she asked, sobbing into my shoulder as she clutched at me. "I can't make you change your mind?"

"No," I told her gently, rubbing her back soothingly. "I need to do this for me," I added. I hadn't told her about what had happened between Gabriel and I. No, that was definitely a conversation best had when I wasn't so emotionally raw over it. It had been bad enough telling Richard. "And besides, you're a newlywed – you've got your honeymoon to think of," I reminded her, pulling away gently. She let me go reluctantly, and I turned to Mary-Alice. "Time to go!" I said, sounding falsely cheery even to my own ears. Mary-Alice nodded.

Richard and my mother walked us to the gate, and we waved goodbye.

I turned to Mary-Alice at the last minute, shoving my travel bag into her arms. "I'll be right back," I yelled over my shoulder as I sprinted back to my mother. I launched myself into her arms and we held each other tight. She was crying because I was leaving her, the second child to do so in mere months.

I was crying because I'd made a huge mistake and needed the comfort of my mommy's arms.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
when I'm kneeling at your feet.

I sat on the plane, next to the window, and looked out at the airport behind me.

I was leaving. My plan had worked. And for the next three months, I'd be living it up in a huge mansion in a small town only a few miles outside of Paris, with an unlimited amount of cash at my disposal.

I stared at the observation room, where families could look up at the sky and watch their loved ones fly away, and frowned. I thought I could see someone standing there, at the window, and had a feeling that he was looking directly into my eyes. Impossible, I know. But I could almost swear that it was Gabriel.

Wishful thinking, I told myself, and looked away. Not for the first time, I acknowledged that it I had to protect myself against the things I wanted the most.

And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


WORD COUNT: 1,283 words (2.75 pages)

TOTAL WORD COUNT: 60,026 words (114 pages approx.)

A/N: hey guys, this is the end. Thanks to all of you who reviewed, offered compliments and/or constructive criticism. You've all been wonderful, please stay tuned for the sequel to MPDCQJV, "Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucoup"!

1. Yes, I will be doing a sequel. In fact, I'm thinking of making this into a series. But don't count your chickens before they hatch - I'm definately going to do "Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucoup". After that, I was thinking of doing another story on Silence and Gabriel (no promises!) as well as a story on Mary-Alice and Spencer. But that's the long-range plan. For now, I'm trying to take a break from writing as I have a whole crop of SACs coming up for English, Psych and Lit in the near future. Expect to see the first chapter of DJVAB in maybe a month and a half, give or take.

Mariposa: thank you so much for pointing out the mistake with the title of this story - a few people have now. So you think it's Protegez-Moi Ce Dont Je Veux? Okay, could you get back to me on that when you're sure? and then I'll change it so it's grammatically correct.

anon.: he he he... she does seem to have taken a leave of her senses, hey?

Jazelle: not scared, just worried. Need a trip to a padded room where they have a nice white jacket for you? lol, don't worry, you're still loved!

Kaika-Suki: too much sugar in your diet perhaps? lol, you're just as crazy as I am. Thanks for sticking with me through this story, I know it's been a trial!!!

Lil Bazza: I sometimes to previews: not always! I'm erratic at best... damn teenage laziness! Silence's reluctance is getting to me, too, which is strange, because she's partially based on me! lol, I am that weird with guys, it's so sad! kind of explains why I'm single right now, hey?

Thanks to: Mi, SweetxxDreamer, minute-glass, Kessie1315, asianrain, LuthienBlack, slowlydancingtothestars, wishes595, Enchanted-Korean, Captain Bleach, Iced-Faerie, AC, samantha, and anyone else who reviewed me along the way!!!