It was yet another day for the emo kids. What day it was, I do not know, and our heroes do not know this as well. Emo kids do not keep track of days of the week. They base their days on the intensity of their feelings and how easily society tends to eat their soul. That, however, was not the point.
So on this random weeknight that happened to be Wednesday, Emo Boy and Emo Girl were sitting in Emo Boy's living room. It was 9:00 and the clock was ticking. There was absolutely nothing to do. And then, Emo Boy had a deadly suggestion.
"Say, Emo Girl, how about we watch LOST?"
"Wow, Emo Boy, that sounds swell," said Emo Girl. But then, her face froze into an unmistakeable frown as she suddenly exclaimed: "But they kill off all the main characters! I'm so upset, everybody is always randomly dying! That makes me sad!" At that, Emo Girl began to cry.
"Don't cry, Emo Girl," said Emo Boy in his pathetic attempt to console her.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU PUSSY!" she yelled at him, and he began to cry as well.
At this point, Emo Boy's older brother, Altar Boy, came down the stairs in his usual drunken swagger, which was pretty ironic seeing that he was a straight-edge pawn of the Catholic Church. I know this makes no sense. I dunno. Maybe he was drunk on God or something. But I just feel like making fun of religion right now, so bear with me here.
"Hello, my fine brother," said Altar Boy. "What a fine night this is."
"This night sucks out the meaning of my soul!" Emo Boy shot back threateningly.
"Oh. Okay then," Altar Boy said. "Say...did I just hear you crying?"
"Yes. LOST depresses me," answered Emo Boy.
"Wow. Are you gay or something?"
Altar Boy walked up to his younger brother, a solemn expression on his face. He grimly placed his hand on his brother's shoulder and sighed. "Emo Boy, if I'm being completely honest here, I really do believe you are one of the homosexuals. And as you know, homosexuality is against the way of God. I'm sorry, I can't let you sit on this Couch of God, which is also the couch of my parents...because they paid for it and stuff like that."
"Dude, I'm not gay," Emo Boy said, pushing his hair out of his eyes and sighing dramatically. "And don't talk to me about being gay. I saw you and that priest when I still went to church a few years ago. So if that's not gay, then what is?"
"That wasn't gay, that was a sacrificial ritual in the name of God!"
"Yeah, you sacrificed your ass."
"GUYS, STOP IT!" Emo Girl shouted. "If you don't want us around, then we'll go watch LOST at my house."
"Oh, you're watching LOST?" Altar Boy asked. "Well, that's fine then. I love that show! I also happen to look up the spoilers in my spare time at online forums while I have intense discussions with Republican parents and horny twelve year old girls who are in love with Ian Somerhalder."
Neither of them, however, were listening. They were intently watching the screen.
Halfway through the episode, at a commercial, Emo Boy all of a sudden jumped up in a fit of astonishment. "I HAVE TO GET MELVILLE!" he shrieked. "Melville loves this show!
Emo Boy ran up the stairs and came back down, with Melville in his hands. "I can't believe I forgot about Melville!" he exclaimed.
"Yeah, I can't believe you forgot about me," Melville repeated. "Bitch." Apparently Emo Boy didn't hear Melville's comment, or else took it as a compliment, because he smiled and didn't answer.
The four of them finished watching the show, dramatically gasping and going along with every cliffhanger through that hour. When the episode ended, to nobody's surprise, Emo Girl was crying again.
"I can't believe we'll have to wait a full week to find out what's going on!" Emo Girl exclaimed. "Wahhh, my tears are the blood of the Proletariat!"
"I don't know what that means!" Emo Boy exclaimed, and he began to cry too.
Altar Boy left the room.
"I guess we'll have to wait until next week to see what happens to all the Losties," Melville said, stating the obvious.
"Okay, I think I can deal with that," Emo Girl replied, wiping her tears, dyed black from her heavy eye make up.
One week later, the three kids and the fish were huddled together to watch yet another episode of LOST. They sat on the couch and stared at the screen blankly for about an hour before the show started, and then, just before the show came on, Emo Boy made popcorn for the group to eat. Nobody was really going to eat the popcorn, though; it was mainly for show and for the dramatic sake of looking as if they were more into the show by providing themselves with food for the occasion, just so that if they were randomly stricken with hunger, they wouldn't have to get up and walk to the kitchen and risk the chance of missing out on two seconds of a television show.
And so, when the show started with the familiar lack of theme music, all the kids…and the fish…were sitting on the edge of their seat. In Melville's case, he was sitting up on the edge of Emo Boy's pocket, because Emo Boy treats his pets badly and will most likely be an abusive parent in his future. Anyway, the show started…and…
"IT'S ANOTHER RE-RUN!" Emo Girl screamed.
"Worse than that, it's a recap of the season!" Altar Boy exclaimed. He raised his head towards the sky. "JESUS! What are you doing to us?" At the same time, Emo Boy and Emo Girl began to cry uncontrollably. Altar Boy was also on the verge of tears. And Melville...well, that fish just doesn't cry. He kind of...doesn't have eyelids anyway. Yes, fish do not have eyelids. Interesting fact of the day.
"So what should we do about it?" Emo Boy asked.
"Emo Boy, why do you always assume that any time we get upset about something, we have to do something about it and go on some epic quest to fulfill our destiny as productive teenagers?" Emo Girl asked.
"It makes for a more interesting plot," Emo Boy answered.
"That's true," she answered. "Geez, you didn't have to be so hasty with me." And she began to cry. No surprises there. This story really isn't that suspenseful. Because all these kids do is cry. It's probably not even that funny anymore.
"So what are we going to do?" Emo Boy asked.
"I don't know," Emo Girl answered. "Wanna get wasted?"
"That sounds good," said Emo Boy. "But I'm a straight edge emo kid."
"Oh," she said. "I'm not. I guess that's more for me, then."
"Yeah," said Emo Boy.
"Guys, drinking is against the way of God!" Altar Boy shrieked.
"Shut up," Emo Boy said, punching his brother in the face. Altar Boy didn't flinch. The punch didn't hurt. Emo Boy was so weak that punching his brother in the face did absolutely nothing. Altar Boy instead just looked at him with a disgruntled expression on his face.
"Okay...then..." Emo Boy commented, feeling bad. "Emo Girl, you and Melville can drink. I do believe we have gin somewhere in this house."
"Sounds good!" Emo Girl said. She grabbed a bottle of gin that happened to appear from nowhere and took a sip. Then, she threw Melville into his fishbowl and poured the gin into the bowl. Melville began to drink excessively.
"Wow, you're a good drinker," Emo Girl commented.
"Thank you," said Melville. "I don't see how that was a compliment, but it was appreciated anyway."
"Of course," Emo Girl said, fluttering her eyelashes a bit overdramatically and in a bit of a retarded manner. Emo Boy and Altar Boy recognized the signs and looked at each other with a grimace.
"Wanna leave the room?" Altar Boy asked.
"Of course," Emo Boy responded. "Let's paint our toenails!"
"Okay!" Altar Boy agreed, and the two of them skipped happily into the next room, leaving Emo Girl and Melville alone to drink the gin and...stuff.
I don't know how to end this chapter. It is just way too messed up to even continue. So I'm just gonna leave it at this and say "HERE YA GO MATT! THIS WAS FOR YOU!"