So, what do you guys think about censorship in the United States?
I think it's so great, it rocks. Woo! Because everytime we hear something unedited on the TV or radio, we flip.
It's like, "What?! OH MY GOD! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! THEY JUST SAID SHIT ON TV!!!" Call up 80 people,
"Grandma! Did you hear it? DID YOU HEAR IT?!" She's fuckin' 90
"Hello? Random person in Texas, did you hear it? IT WAS 'SHIT'!"
Jesus, calm the hell down people.
As soon as you see someone the other day it's like,
"Dude, dude...did you hear it?"
"Yeah man, it was unbelievable."
"I know! I was like WOAH, SHIT...THEY SAID SHIT...WOAH!"
"I recorded it on my TiVo, I played it back like 40 times."
"Really? Can I come over and see it?"
God, it would be in the news.
"Last night, they said the word Shit on television."
"Wow, I can't believe it, back to you."
The sad thing is, if I heard that I would do the same thing.
You all would, you know it.
You know what's really funny, and I've thought about this.
When people smoked back then and claim they didn't know it was harmful, I just want to smack the living shit out of them.
It's kind of obvious, "Oh no. Go ahead, breathe it in. It has no affect, what? Smoke? No no no, it doesn't go into your lungs,
that's not how we breathe, we're aliens."
What the fuck.
I'm suprised they didn't encourage us to do other crazy shit.
"Go ahead, smoke this joint and climb on the roof. What? Of course you'll be safe, it doesn't impare your ability to think. Heights? Psh. Listen to this guy. Heights over here."
Everyone smoked back then, even newborns, it's like,
"It's a boy! Man, he must be exhausted. Here son, have a smoke. What? Brain cell damage? Don't be silly!"
Maybe back then we were all half-retarded, I don't know.
Another thing, screaming in music.
Does anyone get this?
They call it music, to me it sounds like someone trying to take a shit.
screams insanely into the microphone AAAAH I GOTTA SHIT!!!
Calm down, take some zoloft.
My friend's are like, "Dude I love this song"
He presses play,
"AHHHH!!!!! WHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!! MOTHAFUCKA YEAAAAH!!!!!"
Then it's over and he's like, "Those lyrics are so powerful."
What? What fuckin' lyrics?
AAAAAAAH!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOTTA TAKE A SHIT!!!!!
"And this weeks #1 song is called 'Gotta Shit' by The Constapators"
Demolish that music, steamroll it or something.
Remove it from the airwaves! PLEASE!
Does anyone have grandparents that are still together after like...one thousand years?
"Today's our millionth anniversary"
My grandparents hate eachother's guts, I love it! And they are still together, they argue about stupid shit.
"Do you want cheese on your sandwhich?"
"I can't eat cheese, you know that."
"Well, I thought you could, I forgot."
"Alzheimers alert, no fuckin' cheese dammit!"
And I'm just sitting there trying to make it worse, "Yeah, fuck cheese! No cheese!"
My grandfather shouldn't be driving, applaud if you think your grandparents shouldn't be driving.
When he drives, he takes his foot of the pedal to slow down so he doesn't go over the limit.
It's so annoying, the car jolts every second.
"...Ah....Ah....Ah...STOP IT! DAMMIT! LET'S GO, YOU'RE DYING!"
Another thing about my grandparents is that they love chinese food.
That's all they ever eat if they go out.
"We're you going out to, nanny?"
...That's what I call her, okay?
Anyways, so, she always says "We're going to: insert random chinese food place here,"
And then they are like, "Why are we so overweight?"
Oh, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with all the fast food!
Isn't it obvious?
No, all of a sudden you woke up and gained a billion pounds,
"Oh hey, look! It's Yokozuna's mother."
I want to leave you all with a final note.
Freedom of speech in America is a great thing that we have,
without it this country would be horrible.
We wouldn't be able to say "Fuck Bush"
Or "Fuck Kerry"
If we couldn't do that, we would all be afraid to speak.
"Do you like the turkey, son?"
"No, it sucks."
"Woah, what? I'll shoot you in the kidney if you say that one more time, I got the gun cocked! Now, what did you say?"
"...WOW, I LOVE THIS TURKEY! MMMM!!!! GIVE ME SOME MORE!!!"
"You forgot to say please!" Bang your dead.
I mean, appreciate the fact that we can say what's on our mind.
You all know I'm kidding, and that these are all jokes.
Don't take comedians seriously, that includes you Mr. President!