All of a sudden, a bolt of lightning struck by the neighbors house. I willed it to crash into the ground again, to light up the night. But I couldn't control the weather, just as I couldn't control death. Something so complex, no one ever bothered to delve too far into it. It made me angry, but at the same time, I had to question everything around me. How was it possible? For something to be breathing, full of emotion and life, and then, the next second, empty, just a form of nothing. It puzzled me. How can I feel this rain on my cheeks, the cool air on my eyes, that ache in my chest? And to be torn from that; what would I become? Nothing? Would I just fail to feel anymore?
The storm grew all around me, yet I felt more damage being done inside. The winds tore at my lungs, the lightning striking my heart. I sat there for a very long time, my eyes not focused on anything but the tears that clouded them. Pointless thoughts crossed my mind, like the fact that my birthday was two days away. What a lovely gift, a corpse in my head. I let out a laugh in spite of myself, choking back the screams I wanted to let loose so badly.
I decided to just think about the night, the deep blue of the sky, the grays and blacks of the clouds that curled around the dull moon. When I concentrated on it, I realized it was the right atmosphere for that night's events. The feelings of sadness were shown in the overpowering blanket of darkness, like the pressure of the death to my soul. I didn't even know what time it was, and barely bothered to think that I had school the next day. The homework could wait as long as it had to for me to be okay again.
The storm on the inside of me was finally calming, my breathing becoming more even, just as the thunderstorm above me slowed its raging pace. The moon was now more clearly visible, lighting the sky with a faint glow. I never really noticed the perfection in a storm; the way the clouds wound themselves around each other, how the thunder was rhythmic, a pounding of drums made by the heavens, the rain that seemed to have feeling as it fell from the sky. I couldn't help but smile. It reassured me that something was truly beautiful in reality.
I glanced again at the sky, and saw a lonely star, just barely visible, staring down at me from the corner of my eye. I watched it twinkle in and out of sight behind clouds and the blur of rain. I felt hot tears stream out of my eyes, as I wished with all my heart on that star. My Blue star, I called it, after my beloved dog who was no longer with me. I smiled, thinking the familiar saying, "They will always be in your heart." I knew he'd be in my mind, but I felt as if the piece of my heart where he had resided had been ripped out, to bleed and tear away the rest of it.
I played sad songs in my head, trying to find the perfect lyrics for my tragedy. I found the best fit, and sang to the night, trying to pour the angst out through my throat. I raised my voice not caring who heard. It was all I had to not throw myself on the ground and scream the words. I tasted the tears and the rain, the salty texture on my tongue that made my throat sour. Both storms combined, and I finally felt like a person again.
Was this storm ever going to clear? Was there ever going to be an absence of clouds in my sky? I knew that there had to be, but for now, I stay in the peace of my father's truck, the rain washing away the tears. I was alright there, feeling understood, facing the depth of the blue night.