The greatest review ever.
Is it possible?
Can it be?
I don't believe it….
THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER!
Brought To You By:
A Very Disappointed Author (a.k.a AVDA)
Nothing good on TV tonight? Is According To Jim just not tickling your funny bone or has Trebek finally put you to sleep on Jeopardy? Sick and tired of Wolf Blitzer, maybe Ebert and Roeper just don't share your opinions?
Then this wonderful Fiction Press game show is for you!
AVDA: Hello and welcome to episode one of THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER
Where I take it upon myself to find random works on Fiction Press, and review them here for you, therefore allowing you to judge by my opinion whether or not they are worth reading! Sound hypocritical? A bit uncouth? Stupid perhaps…you're absolutely right!
(cue laugh track)
It's all those things because in each episode or at least until I start running out of material, all the stories mentioned on our program will be from the likes of:
MrFlames (and his/her many sub-names)
And anyone else I can think of at the time. So sit back, relax, and don't change this website, because we'll be back with episode one right after this commercial break!
Cheesy Announcer Voice: Having trouble writing? Need some assistance with your Fiction Press stories? Well then come on down to TypewriterKing's Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good!
(big flashy building appears with name on front, audience "oohs" and "aahs")
Yes, that's right folks, TypewriterKing's Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good
where authors like Robert Lowell, Dan Brown, and even J.K. Rowling got their start, isn't that right TypewriterKing?
TyperwiterKing: That's right Cheesy Announcer Man, and may I mention your grammar is repulsive and makes me want to take out large amounts of violence on innocent bystanders in the rudest way possible. Hi there people, TypewriterKing here, and here at the Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good, we teach you all the necessary skills of writing through intensive sessions of verbal lacerations in front of your fellow authors! Don't think the results are real? Ask some of our happy customers!
Anonymous Author #1: Thanks to TypewriterKing's Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good, I never have to worry about writing poorly ever again! You see I accidentally put a comma where a semicolon should have gone in a sentence of one of my stories, and TypewriterKing took it upon himself to crucify me when he reviewed it. Now that my hands are nailed to a cross I can never write again, let alone write poorly. Thanks TypewriterKing!
TypewriterKing: Still not convinced? Here at my Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good, I pride myself in quality. But alas I cannot always take the time to review each piece wholly by myself. So I have hired a team of crack reviewers to help me do my bidding.
Anonymous Author #2: I used to have the worst writing habits ever, but the problem was I totally unaware of it. When I came to Fiction Press I thought I had found a community of accepting authors who would slowly help me to hone my skills, but thanks to TypewriterKing's Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good, my skill improved quickly. In my latest essay on religion and the Bush administration, one of TypewriterKing's review team left me a review that was insulting, repulsive, and made no sense at all…I still haven't quite decoded it yet, therefore keeping me from writing poorly. Thanks TypewriterKing!
TypewriterKing: (Laughs) You're welcome. Finish this up for me Cheesy Announcer Guy, I have some more stories to burn to the ground…er, I mean clients to um, help.
Cheesy Announcer Guy: Interested in taking advantage of our services? Don't worry about contacting us, all you need to do is write something on Fiction Press that has an opinion or view point differing from that of TypewriterKing or his team, and they'll contact you. So get writing today, and good luck!
(fade to black, applause, lights up on AVDA)
AVDA: Alright folks, thanks for sticking around, and special thanks to TypewriterKing's Institute for Kids Who Don't Write So Good, if it weren't for them, this show many never have existed.
In today's episode we start small; I mean this is only the pilot episode. Now I could be kind and say that I have never truly ran into gigantic problems with tonight's author, but in the long run, they don't pay me enough to be kind…hell, they don't pay me at all!
Haha, ok folks, ok, calm down. Tonight we look at the one and only existing piece in the tome of MrFlames.
(Cue "Reading Rainbow Music" pictures of MrFlames running through flowerbeds and doing unhealthy amounts of community service with a creepy smile on his/her face)
The piece is entitled Ultimate Magnum Opus, which, as expected, relates in no way to the piece itself, at least not on a obvious, or even slightly deep literary level, and like so many more of the works written by MrFlames and the like, makes some sense, but in the long run is what many people seem to identify as "wastes of bandwith".
Apparently G-D's almighty power makes him a "gangsta" and a "pimp" and his actions of divine birth, Mary's immaculate conception, was what he calls, and I quote, a "easy fuck".
Now I don't have an issue with this religiously, but I have feeling some might, and even though this may be a stab at some low lying level of humor, I honestly find it to be useless and offensive to some.
Moving on we have a few other, um, sentences (??) in this piece about liberty and other "I'm so completely angst-ridden and full of protest" sentences regarding liberty and the like, and a unnecessary allusion to MTV rap music and the need to say the word "bitch" after everything you say in order to help boost your point.
So I conclude tonight's episode with this:
Piece of writing, bitch
Does not interest me, bitch
And I'm done.
Thanks for watching folks, I'll be back next week with yet another episode of
(audience cheers outloud with AVDA)
THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER!!!
(cue closing song, fade to black, disclaimer)
The views represented in this piece do not necessarily reflect those of ANYBODY on Fiction Press but myself, and are not intended to sway readers from reading any of the pieces mentioned in each chapter. They are simply modules of humor, and are not intended for any other use, bitch.