MMPP: Well, this is actually my story on this site. The e-mail addresses WERE supposed to be there, but fictionpress took it off. I guess it just won't be there. So, just "pretend" the e-mail addresses show. I don't own any of the familiar places people go shopping or eating to. I got this idea inspired by three different books I've read. All which contained letters and such. So because I liked the idea of a letter story, I've written one myself.
Warnings: The main character is in fact gay, thus eventually bringing other gay men too. Problem? Press the "back" button then.
linebreakersimplyputtohavesilenceallaroundyouandbeinthedarknessstrainingyoureyesistoughtodo
BIRD FACT OF THE DAY
Sunday, February 1, 2005
Penguins have no external genitalia. Consequently, chromosome testing must be done in order to determine a penguin's sex. So stop looking!
Dear Luke,
So you've decided to follow your friend's advice and fill out a profile for an internet dating service, eh? Good for you. Best friends give good advice. Rick's only looking out for you. Don't worry. Hell, maybe you'll get lucky and find your soul mate like the internet thing says. You never know…
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Luke,
ARE YOU INSANE? Do you know how many people are abducted, raped, murdered, sexually harassed, abused, and OTHER from INTERNET DATING SERVICES? What if you like a guy and all of a sudden he asks to meet you? Then you meet him and he'll KILL YOU! OR RAPE YOU! OR SEXUALLY HARASS YOU! OR ABUSE YOU! OR OTHER! It's not safe Luke! Don't do it! Don't!
Wrecked-Up Conscious
Dear Luke,
Ignore everything WUC just said.
Easy-Going Conscious Profile
Step 1
Screen Name: ffff
Password: ffff
Confirm Password: ffff
Male or Female? Male
Zip Code Number if in the USA or Canada: 33351
We're sorry. The screen name you have chosen has been taken. Please choose another.
Screen Name: pies
We're sorry. The screen name you have chosen has been taken. Please choose another.
Screen Name: Luke Sucks
We're sorry. The screen name you have chosen has been taken. Please choose another.
Screen name: Cantankerousness
Step 2
Click what YOU would like in a partner. Select three to FIVE.
Creative, Dependable, Happy, Intellectual, Rational
Qualities your partner CAN'T have. (optional) Choose up to three.
Chatterbox, Cynical, Extremely Neat
Step 3
Now let's learn about YOU!
Your First Name (up to 20 characters): Luke
Age and Date of Birth: 25. November 12, 1981
City and State: Sunrise, FL
Seeking Relationship With a: Man Between the ages of: 21 to: 28
Languages I speak (pick up to two): English
Hair Color: Dark brown
Eye Color: Gray
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Body Type: Slim/Slender
Your Occupation: Sales and Marketing
Two hours later…
The following percentage may be a good match for YOU! 21.3 percent.
We hope you find your soul mate! Good luck!
Sunrise City: Where the sun ALWAYS shines!
Luke! It's your mother!
I realize that you have moved back to Sunrise again! That's GREAT! It's so wonderful to see my son back! Remember; if ever you need anything just call me. If your father answers, hang up. Call again. If he answers again, tell him to get away from the phone because it is bad for his hearing aid since he didn't get the new batteries yet and then HANG UP. By then, I'm sure I will be next to the phone to help you. BUT IF I'M NOT, risk your father's life and ask whatever you need. Welcome back home!
Mom
To: "Mister Kenneth Davidson"
From: "Luke"
Date: February 1, 2005
Subject: I start Monday, right?
Dear Mr. Davidson,
I'm looking forward to working in Sunrise. California's Jones Advertisements was a great place for me and I know Florida's Jones Advertisements will too.
Luke Phillips
To: "Rick"
From: "Luke"
Date: February 1, 2005
Subject: That stupid thing took me FOUR hours!
Rick you ass! When you told me to make a profile on that stupid "Perfect Match" site, you didn't tell me it was going to take four hours to do. Now I have to say hello to Mrs. Williams now. You know, the woman with massive amounts of teal eye shadow and the curlers, yet she always says she's "sexy"?
I hate you.
Luke.
Shopping List
--Apples
--Milk
--Bread
--CAKE
(NOTE) Don't buy salad! You did last time and you'll overdo the salad again! You want to get sick from the Italian dressing? I THOUGHT SO! –Luke.
Dear Luke,
We noticed how you didn't get salad in order to prevent the last incident. That horrible overdoing the salad dressing was simply gross, wasn't it? It's a good thing you're being wiser this time and not buying the salad. But, don't overdue the cake. You'll gain weight that way—Oh god, that German Chocolate cake looks scrumptious. Never mind what we just said. Buy the cake. In fact, buy two.
Mmmm… Cake…
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Luke,
Why aren't you buying the salad? You'll run out! By Wednesday it'll all be gone! Then you'll overdue the cake! And what's this? TWO CAKES? That's way too many calories Luke! Sure, you're not a woman, but TWO CAKES? It's not your birthday Luke! It's February! That's not even close to November! Unless you are looking at the calendar backwards… BUT WE'RE NOT! Put that other cake AWAY.
Wrecked-Up Conscious
Dear Wrecked-Up Conscious,
Damn you!
Easy-Going Conscious
Mr. and Mrs. John Williams
9938 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Luke!
I saw you going to the grocery store today. The Publix down the street, hmm? I know you're new to the town, but I suggest you start shopping at the Albertsons. Mr. Lawler works at the Publix, the sushi man who always says "It's sushi day, hooray!" He doesn't wash his hands when he makes the sushi and if Mr. Lawler doesn't wash his hands, then I guarantee you neither do the rest of the employees. I'm just looking out for you Luke. I wouldn't want you to die from an infected colon.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Williams.
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mrs. Williams,
I do not shop at Publix nor will I ever shop at Publix. I also do not shop at Albertsons. I shop at the Jimmy's by the Burger King. And if Mr. Lawler isn't washing his hands, I suggest you give him some soap. In fact, I'll give you some soap. Thank you for preventing me from getting an infected colon though.
Luke
To: "Luke"
From: "Rick"
Date: February 1, 2005
Subject: Re: You need a boyfriend, man
You work at an advertisement company with hot male models giving you "cell numbers" EVERYDAY. You don't have a boyfriend. You're gay.
I'm sorry, but something doesn't add up.
Rick
To: "Rick"
From: "Luke"
Date: February 1, 2005
Subject: Re: Re: You need a boyfriend, man
You're an ass.
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mrs. Williams,
I gave you soap to give to Mr. Lawler. I was not implying that you stunk and needed to take a shower. I was simply implying you should give soap to Mr. Lawler so he would wash his hands. It was unnecessary that you came to my door and began yelling at the top of your lungs letting the whole neighborhood hear you when I meant nothing by it. In fact, you smell lovely.
Luke
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mr. Williams,
I am not hitting on your wife.
Luke
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mr. Williams,
I did not say your wife was ugly! I am gay! I can't and will never be able to have attractions towards a woman.
Luke
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Landlord,
Is it possible I can switch apartments this early? Thank you.
Luke
BIRD FACT OF THE DAY
Monday, February 2, 2005
Overturned swans lack the ability to right themselves and therefore drown. Don't go and tip swans over!
Dear Luke,
The assignments you have been given are located on your desk next to the stapler we provided for you. It should say "ASSIGNMENTS" across the manila folder. If not, walk away. That is most likely not your desk. If in the chance you cannot find your desk, ask Shirley. She's the secretary. Don't comment on her glasses with the tape on the side (she doesn't like to talk about it). We hope you enjoy your new location!
Sincerely,
Mr. Kenneth Davidson
Head of the Jones Advertisements Sunrise Branch
ASSIGNMENTS
--Grapester is advertising their latest purple product. They just came out with purple mascara. It's your duty to come up with an advertisement for Grapester Mascara.
--Vibrating turtle key chains. They are for kids NOT adults. Make sure they sound appropriate.
--A new reality television show called "Kill the Idol". Make sure people get addicted!
Deadline: 8: 00 AM February 3, 2005
Sunrise City: Where the sun ALWAYS shines!
Luke!
Your father and I are to take a vacation this weekend to the Keys. We were wondering since you live so close now, if you could water your father's bamboo plant. You know how much he is addicted to the thing. For crying out loud! He named it! And of all names: "George". Honestly, your father is the most random man I've ever met.
The instructions for the plant are on the back of this stationary letter. We love you.
Mom
Instructions for George
Water it. Not too much.
YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
To: "Luke"
From: "Chaz"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: We could be soul mates!
---Attachments: chaz-me!(photo)
Hello Luke!
My name is Chaz. I'm 24, just two years younger than you. As you can see from the picture, I'm quite sexy. I love to take pictures and film things. If you know what I mean (wink wink). Well, hope you reply!
Love ya!
Chaz
To: "Luke"
From: "Kent"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: Hey.
My name is Kent. If you really want to know me, write back.
To: "Luke"
From: "Rick"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: Sorry, start again?
Sorry, just wondering why nothing ever happened with any of the males you got hit on from. Anyways, perhaps we should go to a club or something? Oh! Before I forget, did your new job turn out okay? I don't want to feel guilty for you coming all the way down here only to hate your job again.
Don't hate me best buddy!
To: "Rick"
From: "Luke"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: Re: I don't hate you
I can't go to a club. I have a deadline tomorrow. My job went fine by the way. Oh… and what first comes to mind when you see: "purple mascara"?
Luke
To: "Luke"
From: "Rick"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: Re: Re: I don't hate you
Hookers?
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Dear Mrs. Williams,
I was wondering if you could assist me in something. Since I'm a little impatient right now, I'll ask the question in this same letter. What comes to mind when you see "purple mascara"?
Thank you for your help,
Luke
Mr. and Mrs. John Williams
9938 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Luke,
I'm surprised you got the nerve to speak to me after what happened yesterday. I'm sorry for my husband's behavior and I'm sorry for misunderstanding your soap thing, but unfortunately Mr. Lawler did not take it too kindly when I gave him the soap today. If he writes you, just IGNORE THE BASTARD BECAUSE HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO PUT THE WHOLE CITY IN HYGIENIC DANGER. Also, the first thing to come to mind when seeing "purple mascara" would have to be eggplants and models; I hope that helps.
Mrs. Williams
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Thank you, Mrs. Williams.
Luke
Hank Lawler
9904 NW 47th St.
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mr. Phillips,
How DARE you.
Hank Lawler
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Dear Mr. Lawler,
I did not actually think Mrs. Williams was really going to give you the soap. Mr. Lawler, you've known me since I was a little kid! Remember? I was the child on the red tricycle who always rode by your house to say "hello"? How could I possibly mean anything by the soap when I grew up with good intentions?
Luke
Hank Lawler
9904 NW 47th St.
Sunrise, FL 33351
Dear Luke,
Oh of course I remember you! You're the brat who rode over my garden with his tricycle and said hello to me only to throw your gum at me. Yes, of course I remember you. Welcome back, Luke. I look forward to giving you sushi.
Hank Lawler
Luke Phillips
9940 Nob Hill Lane
Sunrise, FL 33351
Mr. Lawler,
That wasn't me! That was RICK! Rick Stephenson? He looked almost exactly like me when we were younger! Remember how everyone mistook us as brothers? Please, remember me? LUKE PHILLIPS? I was the kid who gave you jelly beans every Christmas!
Luke
Hank Lawler
9904 NW 47th St.
Sunrise, FL 33351
Luke,
You and Rick look nothing alike. I hate jelly beans.
Hank Lawler
Dear Luke,
It seems Mr. Lawler hates you. Well doesn't that suck? Why don't you give him a pie? I'm sure he'll love pie. We hope that works.
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Luke,
Don't give him a pie! He'll probably think it's poisoned and call the police on you! What you should do is e-mail Rick and demand him to explain who he is to Mr. Lawler. You don't need a stalker. You don't!
Wrecked-Up Conscious
Dear Luke,
WUC has a point…
Easy-Going Conscious
To: "Rick"
From: "Luke"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: We're identical, right?
Tell Mr. Lawler that was YOU who kept throwing your gum at him when we were little kids! And why'd you have to change so much in puberty, Rick?
To: "Luke"
From: "Rick"
Date: February 2, 2005
Subject: Re: We're identical, right?
I'm sorry?
BIRD FACT OF THE DAY
Tuesday, February 3, 2005
The word "duck" meaning the bird, came from the verb "to duck" meaning to bend down as if to get under something, because of the many species in the dabbling duck group feed by upending (compare the Dutch word duiken "to dive"). That's why ducks… duck.
Ads by Luke Phillips
Grapester Purple Mascara
You're a woman who loves your eyes, the gorgeous shade of iris that complimented your facial features. You're a woman who wants to be feminine. Wearing pink, purple, and red, right? Well now let's add to your look! Grapester has now come out with purple mascara! Your eyes will give off the exotic look of a model and the luscious addicting taste of an eggplant! Men will LOVE YOU!
Vibrating Turtles for Kids
They're cute! They're green! They shake! They're FOR YOU! Buy a vibrating turtle buddy today!
Kill the Idol Promotion
Some celebrities you just want to die. Some celebrities should just go away. Well let's see what happens with twelve celebrities go against each other. Only one celebrity will keep their fame, the others… Never to be seen again. Wednesdays at eight o'clock.
From the desk of Luke Phillips
Shirley,
Mr. Davidson spoke to me in the halls just earlier and told me that I am to be expecting a package from my new assignment. The new "fake mini-plastic bloody feet" key chains should be in a box labeled "Fake Mini-Plastic Bloody Feet Key Chains". If you don't get the box, please tell me immediately. Also, Shirley, don't worry about your glasses. They look wonderful on you!
Luke
From the office of Jones Advertisements
Dear Mr. Luke Phillips,
There is a man at the front office who claims to know you personally. He states his name as "Rick Stephenson". If you do not know this person, we will call security on him promptly.
The Front Office
From the desk of Luke Phillips
Thank you Front Office for telling me that my best friend is out there waiting, but I don't have any enemies except for Hank Lawler and Mr. Williams. If any of those men come by, call security. Call security as fast as you can! Otherwise, you can let the people in to my office.
Luke
Dear Luke,
It appears to be that Rick is next to you in your office looking at your secretary suspiciously. What's this? You're going to ask him why he's staring? Believe us that that is pointless. He won't answer you. He'll just ignore you and probably comment on her glasses like you were told not to only to end up being slapped. Stop worrying about your friend Rick. You wasted all your worrying minutes on him when you were younger, remember?
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Luke,
Rick just got slapped! For saying how Shirley should get new glasses because it looks funny with the duct tape on! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM! He's your best friend! You're GAY best friend! You're practically clones! Who cares what everyone else says that he changed drastically in puberty, you're the SAME! We are ashamed of you.
Wreck-Up Conscious
Dear Wrecked-Up Conscious,
You don't even have friends!
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Easy-Going Conscious,
Fuck you.
Wreck-Up Conscious
From the desk of Luke Phillips
Shirley,
Please don't report me as a sexual harassment case! I'm gay! And Rick did it! He's the one who commented!
From the desk of Shirley Hems
You. Owe. Me. Big. Time.
From the desk of Luke Phillips
Thank you Shirley!
Dear Luke,
So now you owe your secretary something. What's she going to make you do?
Easy-Going Conscious
Dear Luke,
You should have listened to us.
Wrecked-Up Conscious
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MMPP: And even though it doesn't really LOOK like it has a plot, it does. It's just, life's plots aren't so clear in life, now are they? It just smacks ya with a whole bunch!
Glomps and Tongues --Steph