A/n: Definitly not my best, and there's not much to say about this one. I did that thing where you write a letter and don't send it to the person. I didn't really have anyone in mind, just any one of my closest friends. So, R&R me, I'll R&R you. Keep writing.
11/1/05 Dear Friend,
I cut myself and it made me want to answer all those questions you keep asking. I didn't want to before and I still don't because I'm afraid that if you understand, you'll be able to hate me for all of it. At least if you don't know then you can't hate me and walk away. I don't want to feel even more alone inside than I already do but this is eating away at my heart and tugging at my insides. Maybe if I'm alone I can at least be free of all my secrets...
I don't know where to start. You know how little kids play make believe? I never quite stopped. Right now I'm listening to their screams and in the back of my mind I'm in your room sleeping on the floor and you're actually two feet away. I'll keep pretending you're right there until I go to sleep and when I wake up I won't know where I am. I know these thoughts aren't normal but I feel powerless to stop them.
Speaking of sleeping, my dreams scare me lately. I have dreams about cutting myself and it always turns into suicide. In my dreams, when it happens, nobody ever cares or notices. It's like I think that if I die I'll actually be here the next day. I know that's not true, I'm not immortal. But sometimes I feel like I could be mortal someplace else. Away from here. Sometimes I want to find out.
I cry sometimes because I usually can't. I'm too busy, I'm never home alone, and I don't have my own room. Someone will walk in and I'll have to explain and if that happens I don't know what any of them would do. I don't
have time for a breakdown but inside I'm always crashing.
Does this sound familiar? I've been trying to tell everyone for forever but I'm lame and can only write long letters that would be cool if I could work up the guts to show anyone. I'm never half as tough as
I want to be. I wish I could tell you everything and cry all of the bad out of me onto your shoulder. There are so many times I wish I were in your room telling you all of this. It would be the longest conversation in the world and it'd last 3 days straight. You'd write me out like an algebra problem like 100,000x56y72(42) . At the end I would be x and you'd have x and I'd be figured out. I can't even begin to figure me out.
Some people say I've changed and I think that maybe I have. Sometimes I think I might be okay and then I end up beating myself up because I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. No matter what, I just can't be good enough. I'm not sure who put the idea in my head, but it won't leave.
Once she told me that it was all my fault. Everything's my fault. What she dosen't understand is that I figured this one out on my own a lifetime ago. I wish someone would prove us wrong. Can you tell me I'm just a kid? Can you tell me it's not my fault? Hold me for a split second that'll seem to last a lifetime?
Maybe I am the problem. I think I'm a puzzle and someone put my heart and mind in the wrong places. Maybe if you rearrange me I'll be okay and hug you for forever.
The one thing that I don't doubt is that I miss me. I miss being happy and independent and not caring what anyone thinks. I miss not having battles with myself and actually standing up for my ideas around
everyone else. I'm the only one I can scream at but I want to relax and have nobody screaming at me...
I'm hoping that you'll call. I know I've said it before, but sometimes just listening to you calms me down a bit...
I wish my heart would stop racing so fast all the time...
Anyway, thanks for listening, and I'm sorry this is another letter you'll never get to see.