Dedicated to all those poor souls who are suffering and being rejected.
This is for you.
November 8, 2005
I'm laying here
Tired and afraid Staring up at the dark sky My shadow dances on the wall And I'm lost in my insanity Confused and betrayed I lay Waiting for something Or someone…
Tired and afraid
Staring up at the dark sky
My shadow dances on the wall
And I'm lost in my insanity
Confused and betrayed I lay
Waiting for something
The rain falls down slowly. It patters against the hospital window. It's little pattern of music is filled with despair and gloom. Outside the gray clouds cover the once blue sky. The once shining sun is now gone. A cool wind blows and the chilly weather has overtaken the warm and inviting weather. All seems hopeless, all seems lost for Devin Keaton as he sits in his hospital room. He's been in the hospital for almost three days now. He's dressed in the blue hospital gown and lays in the old hospital bed, staring out the window blankly.
Mom should be here soon, he says to himself.
He listens to the rain as it hit's the window. The sound annoys him but he cannot escape it. He's stuck here in this place. There is no escape, not now, not ever. He knows his fate is sealed and that, to him, is the most horrifying feeling. It comes from deep within and swallows him up causing him to close his eyes.
Memories flood his mind, memories from his soul erupt like a fountain of water. Some are beautiful and comforting, others are frightening and heartbreaking. It feels as if the past week was an eternity ago.
Last week Devin had been at the mall shopping for a new coat for the winter. It was a good day, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, and he was happy. He browsed through each store, smiling at strangers as they passed by him. When he entered Maurice's and began to browse through the coats there, a wave of fatigue suddenly overcame him. He grabbed a hold of the coat rack to steady himself. Beads of sweat clung to his forehead and the whole room seemed to be spinning. Closing his eyes trying to regain his composure, Devin gasped.
Finally the spell passed him and he straightened up. Not feeling well, Devin left the store and walked on through the mall, wanting to go home. Suddenly he felt lightheaded and collapsed in the middle of the mall floor. The rest of the events that occurred were foreign to him. He didn't remember anything after that except waking up and finding himself in a hospital bed dressed in a blue nightgown. As he slowly opened his eyes he thought he saw the face of his mother, fifty-year-old May Keaton, staring down at him with concern written upon her beautiful face. Her auburn hair was pulled back in a hair clasp, the way she had always worn it.
His mother and father had always been very devout Catholics. They had wanted Devin to follow in their footsteps but to their dismay he hadn't. As a matter of fact in went in the completely opposite direction. When his parents discovered that their son was a homosexual they had been horrified.
"Devin, how could you do this to us? Why? We've tried to raise you right," Jacob, Devin's father, had said when he first found out about his son's secret.
"Dad…I…really don't know what to say," Devin said.
"Well, you can't stay here in our house anymore. You have to leave. I'm sorry but we just can't have that in our house," Jacob said.
"I understand dad, and I was going to leave anyway," Devin had said.
May had been too stunned to speak. She sat in her blue recliner in the living room crying. Devin had kissed her goodbye and nodded his head towards his dad and left his home forever at the age of eighteen. He had found himself an apartment, got a job at Wal-Mart and life had been pretty good for him. But if the truth be told he was never happy, even after he met Mark. Things just were not the same. It was as if he didn't want to be living this way, but thought it was his only escape.
Back at his parents' home he had been miserable, felt as if he couldn't breathe. They had had so many rules, rules that were almost impossible to keep. They never let Devin do anything but stay home and watch movies. He was even home schooled because his parents thought public schools were 'wicked', but he always dreamed of attending public school where he could be with teenagers his own age, to be with people, to have a companion. All he ever wanted was to be loved by someone, anyone. He didn't receive much love from his parents, they were too busy trying to make him religious and condemning his big dreams. They always said:
"Son, you need to be realistic. All these foolish dreams of yours, like becoming an actor, are poppycock. You're never going to be an actor so you need to just get that idea out of your head."
Devin had never forgotten his dream of becoming a famous actor, although deep down he knew it would probably never come true.
When he turned twenty Devin had went to a local theater and auditioned for the lead role in "Romeo and Juliet". To his surprise he got the part of Romeo and was very excited, even if it was just a local theater in the middle of a small town. He got his chance to be a star and he was sensational.
So many memories, so many events, Devin thinks to himself as he sits in the hospital bed, alone.
Memories of the day right after he passed out in the mall comes into his mind.
"Mr. Keaton, this is a very serious situation. After we done some tests I've come to the conclusion that…you have aids," the doctor had told a devastated Devin who was sitting on the bed.
Devin had been stunned.
"Are…are you sure doctor?" Devin asked, fear in his eyes.
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor replied sadly.
"That's…that's impossible," Devin said, dumbfounded.
"The tests came out positive. They don't lie," the doctor said.
"But…I've felt fine, except for a few dizzy and tired spells," Devin said.
"You can be infected with HIV and not even know it for quite some time. And by the time you do find out about it, it develops into aids," the doctor tried to explain.
"Look I know that this is hard right now but do you know if your partner was infected with HIV?" the doctor asked.
"I…I don't know…I don't think…so," Devin replied, too confused to think straight. He couldn't seem to remember anything.
"This may be a stupid question but…is there any chance it can be cured?" Devin asked, hopeful, but at the same time knowing that it was a ridiculous question.
"No, I'm afraid there's not a cure," the doctor said.
"What am I going to do?" Devin asked.
"Well the first thing I suggest is for you to contact your family and your partner," the doctor said.
"Isn't…isn't my mother here?" Devin asked, puzzled, because he thought he had seen his mother's face.
"No, she isn't," the doctor said.
"Okay, I'll…call my parents…I guess," Devin said.
"You also need to contact your partner as soon as possible so we can run tests on her, or him, to see if he/she has HIV. It's very important," the doctor said.
"I…don't know where he is. You see…we…well I'm not…I'm not really…I mean…I don't know," Devin covered his face with his hands and held back a sob.
"I'll leave you alone for a few moments okay?" the doctor said as he stood and left the room.
Devin sat in silence. His heart was pounding and a tear fell down his cheek.
How can this be happening to me? It can't be! How could I have gotten this disease? What am I going to do? he wonders to himself in desperation and confusion.
It's all happening so fast.
To Be Continued…
A note: This is unlike anything I've ever written but the idea came to me after reading about aids and a discussion I had with someone from my church. I am writing this story, not because I support gay marriages, gay sex, etcetera, but because I don't believe in hate towards other people. I wanted to look through the eyes of another person and just see what happened so this story is what has come out of it. I also wanted to show through this story that hating people who are different, hating people who make mistakes or do certain things, is NOT theright way. We're not to hate but to love. And that's what I want to do, love everyone, no matter who they are or what they are. And I hope that through this story I can share that message with others.