Sorrow

Sorrow

Not the best of titles

Not the most

Accurate

Of words

But

The best I can do

At least now

Maybe bonding

Would be better

The bond was strong

I really did love

My grandmother

With all my heart

She was always there

Maybe not standing here

Maybe miles away

But with the Internet,

What's the difference

Anyway?

She could always give

Kind words

Of advice

Of guidance

Of comfort

I remember when

My dog died

I sent her an email

And she

She sent one back that said

When pets die

They go to a place where

There are other pets

Animals that

Died

And they play

Until

Until the people they missed

Come to see them

So you see?

She helped me to feel better

I could turn to my grandmother

For anything

But not this

I cannot turn to her…

to help me deal

With her

With

With her own death

Or maybe

Maybe grief would be a better title

Because that is what I'm feeling

She passed away

Just last night

But I didn't know

Not until this morning when

When Mom woke me up

I thought

I thought that

I was going to school

I wish I was

Because that would mean

That grandma was still

Still in a coma

And not…

Not…

gone

She was seventy years old

It had to happen sometimes

She lived life beyond the fullest

She did things that would have me shaking in terror at the mere thought

She was in and out of the hospital so much

It had to happen sometime

She really did love life

She was an animal person

It's right for the grandparents to die first

It had to happen sometime

She had dozens of cats

That she'd rescued from the streets

It had to happen sometime

Every one dies

It's part of life

And life is painful…right?

This is only day one

I know it'll get worse

Because it hasn't sunk in yet

I know she's dead

But she only slipped into a coma a couple days ago

And I know

A part of me

Still thinks she's just there

Just out of reach

In Langcaster

In a coma

On the other end of California

And I'm just waiting…

Waiting until she wakes up to see her

Because I don't like hospitals

They feel like death
And I don't like

The feeling of death and someone I love

In the same room

She died in her sleep

Right?

Her heart just gave out

No pain

Right?

Right?

But I don't

Believe in God

Or in any kind of afterlife

Or any religion

Death is death

And

And I'll never see my grandma again

Sure, I can get the recipe

For her Sweedish meatballs

Or her cheesecake

But

It won't be the same

Because

Grandma June won't have made it

I will have

And

And I'll know the difference

And

And it will taste bitter

For a while at least

Even though cheesecake is a dessert

And her Sweedish meatballs are always made with sweet onions

Because

Because those foods are the ones

The ones grandma always cooks—cooked

I know why people have to die

But I wish

I wish I'd gone to see her

One last time before she left

While there was hope

Because

Because she was the person

Fourth closest to me

Now there's me

And my parents

And my sister

And grandma isn't there

Miles away

To answer my emails

And now

I don't know if it's good

That this is on a screen

On the Internet

Because paper would surely

Be spotted with my tears by now

And that would make it hard to read

But easier to understand…

Tear-spotted paper

With the ink all runny from salt-water grief