The Grotesque Deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Peanut M. Andem

A Short by Cheeseraptor5

"It won't get any cooler in here. You'll just have to deal with-"

"But I'm so warm! You never do anything to make our lives better! Nothing! You can't even comfort me anymore!" She lashed out at him, followed by a strong, angry shove and a progression of long, drawn-out sobs. Her husband was silent, and lowered his head as his wife migrated to the other side of the prison, pushing away his feeble attempts of loveless embrace. Ms. Andem held what was left of the smooth prison wall she had ripped off in her arms, searching for any shred of comfort that was left. She had given up with clutching onto her husband – it seemed that he was immune to any of her sentiment lately. Their crumbled marriage was reaching a new low, and their newfound incarceration hadn't brought them any closer.

Ms. Andem continued to sob, fizzling out to a silent series of tears within a few minutes. She carefully opened her reddened eyes to glance at her heartless husband, studying his reaction to her discomfort. He knelt in a corner of the cell; his face was buried in his arms, but not particularly doing anything. She had decided long ago that she couldn't trust him with her life, and solidly reminded herself of her promise as she let her eyes close by themselves.

A rumble. Not a very powerful one, just a jolt that made everyone in the prison look up towards the heavens, almost in a feeble gesture to lash out at the vile M&M God that placed them in this horrible situation.
Ms. Andem dropped the piece of prison wall and stood on her toes to see out of a tiny peephole. The sight frightened her in ways only demons could.

"It nears!" she screeched, a simple phrase that caused every peanut-souled man and woman to scramble to the bottom of the bag. The rumbles increased in intensity, becoming quick earthquakes, then thunderous tremors, and finally becoming the raging footsteps of an immortal titan.

It was in plain view, flailing about in organized chaos, sticky and disgusting cords of drool and enzymes hanging in sickening designs from its mouth. Ms. Andem, staring in blank horror from her clear vantage point, held back chocolaty vomit as the repulsive creature neared the prison. Doom was surely imminent as the ground shook with the unending hunger of the Gods. She prayed violently to them:

"Spare our lives! Our sins must surely be repaid in such a less heinous fashion than this agony! What corrupt Mythology is so cruel and unforgiving as to bestow the curse of burning death upon chocolate?!" She screamed over the earthquakes, but to no effect. The titan had spotted them.

Creatures with such power should not be allowed on this mortal Earth. It shambled over in such a way that angels witnessing the event would have sobbed tears of glossy blood. Its eyes glared with a sharp, sinister blue tint that drove Ms. Andem into a mild heart attack. Her husband noticed her discomfort and rushed over, holding her with a trademark sense of apathy that she knew so well.

She shook with pain as her heart gave out on her for a few moments, shocked to the core that her end was so very near. Her body returned to shaky homeostasis after the attack ended, and she slowly removed herself from her husband's grasp. He was nothing more than a shell – no milky, succulent chocolate graced the innards of this hollow man. A dry peanut and a tasteless candy coating was his Sunday best, hence his damnation along with the rest of them in the acidic stomach of the titan.

Ms. Andem regained herself and stepped away from her husband a few more feet, wiping away tears of both pain and fear. She hugged her arms together, and it was only after a thirty or so seconds that she realized that the earthquakes had stopped. She shot open her plain brown eyes and rushed to the spy-hole. What greeted her was an enormous eyeball, glistening with salty, unborn tears.

She screamed, blasting away from the wall and running rabidly into the corner. She backed up against the wall as far as she could, shuddering violently.

"I-it hungers… f-for…"

She was cut off by an unearthly, but short noise that could only have emitted from the monster's mouth. The roar dissipated quickly, but the most powerful tremor of all came soon after it. It tossed everyone about; M&M's hit walls and chips of multi-colored shell flew everywhere. The prison was turned on its side, and everyone fell to the bottom, crumpled in a painful heap. Mr. and Ms. Andem lay on top of the pile, his leg broken and her hand smashed into a sticky mess of chocolate and broken shell. The sight made her vomit unintentionally all over her husband, but to her that was a victory, however small. She tried turning her waning attention back to survival, but it was no use. They were useless against the God, and she finally accepted their fate.

The jail was split open from the top, and unbearable light flooded the area. It was like being born again, this sensation. The Andem family stared off into empty space, seeing nothing but sky until the colossus reared its head. A monstrous hand reached inside the cell, grasping onto The Andems and other victims as well. The hand shot up quickly, and before they could scream, they were tossed into the foul, bacteria-ridden mouth of the beast.

The stench hit them immediately – Ms. Andem attempted to throw up, but was out of fluids from her last vomit session. The result was a dry, painful gag. She coughed, then looked up and screamed. A thick, moist, worm-like creature reared up and slammed itself down onto the group of terrified M&M's, massaging a hot, sticky substance into their delicious candy coating.

Ms. Andem squeaked with disgust as the tongue rubbed along her shell, removing the beautiful orange pigment that she used to love. Through all of this chaos, a thought dawned on her – in all the mythology and knowledge of the fate that most M&M's suffered, she had been taught that the mindless titans normally devour the noble M&M people with enormous fangs. It was a painful, but usually quick experience. This monster had no teeth… an infant! To be consumed by an infant titan; what a lowly death!

A moan escaped from Ms. Andem's lips when the harsh reality dawned on her. She would survive the mouth, and go on to be… digested alive. The thought sent a shiver down her already weakening spine. The amylase in the saliva was beginning to take effect, making her once strong coating brittle and thin. She suffered underneath the tongue for a few more seconds, then was thankfully released.

Unfortunately, the tongue initiated a process of beating her body against the soft wall again and again. She had no idea where anyone else was, but she assumed they were all dead, melted by the heat and moisture of this place.

The tongue beat her against the wall a few more times, and then made a mistake. It lost its grip on Ms. Andem and slammed itself into the wall as she suddenly found out what had happened to everyone else. She was swept into a thick mixture of saliva and M&M remains. Chocolate, bits of shell and mushy peanuts surround her. She felt like throwing up again, but too much of her body was missing for her to be strong enough to vomit. She closed her eyes and her mouth tight as the hulking bolus of her husband and comrades carried her into the esophagus.

The faint churning noise of the stomach sounded in the background, and by this point she prayed that she would never reach it alive. The amylase was burning her with a vengeance – the carbohydrates in her chocolaty innards were beginning to dissolve. Smooth muscles contracted around her as she began her descent down the narrow tube. Every second or so, the esophagus lurched with a jolt of peristalsis, sending her and her people down further and further. If it were not for the dismembered carcasses of her relatives covering her body, she would have been killed - and she cursed the corrupt God that saved her meager life.

After an unknown amount of agonizing time in the esophagus, the dying Ms. Andem was spewed into the stomach alive – her (along with every M&M born) worst nightmare. She was spat onto a chunk of food – mushy cereal, it seemed – and floated violently in a churning lake of acid. She coughed and removed chunks of her husband from her raw, disintegrated skin. She had long-anticipated the day Mr. Andem would die, but not like this, never like this. Ms. Andem was shaking with horror at the things she had witnessed, make more frightening by the fact that she was only halfway through the digestive system of the colossus.

As Ms. Andem finished cleansing herself of M&M remains, she was taken by surprise. A tremor, stronger than any other she had been through, shook her to the core and tossed the mass of cereal back and forth. Acidic ocean mist sprayed her face, creating a burning sensation and blinding her already weak eyes. She slammed her hands to her face and hurriedly rubbed at her eyes. She strained to open them again, but stared, shaking, at the pool of death beneath her. It was time to end this.

Ms. Andem made a suicidal leap into the bubbling lake of powerful hydrochloric acid. It burned with a white-hot intensity, and no matter how hard she tried to die, the pain wouldn't stop. The raging pepsin enzymes ate away at her peanut soul, melting the protein deep within and leaving her a deformed mess. She squirmed with unimaginable agony, writhing and twisting under the surface of the acid.

Another current shifted the tide of the ocean, beating it up against the stomach. Ms. Andem was caught in the wave, and was slammed into a wall, sticking to the mucus that coated it. Her eyelids had been burned off, and she stared out at the sea below her. Her escape ticket was gone – there was no way it was going to be that easy. The Gods of M&M kind were corrupt indeed.

Along with her eyelids, her entire left side had been disintegrated, bits of peanut hanging out and warm chocolate dripping from the unending wound. Her left arm was gone, and her right one was hanging on by a single nerve. The right side of her jaw was missing, and her head oozed burning cocoa. All was her punishment for attempting to take the easy road out.

The churning suddenly discontinued, and the vomit-inducing sight of chyme and various chunks of undigested foodstuffs made Ms. Andem pass out, her eyes stuck open. Her body slid from the stomach wall, and plopped into the now mildly acidic chyme mixture, draining down into through the pyloric valve and onwards to the small intestine.

Ms. Andem awoke in a haze, wet and slimy with an unknown substance. She floated along at a snail's pace in the immensely thick slop that was at one point her brethren. She weakly shook her head and noticed that the acidic burning had ceased. Sodium bicarbonate had seeped from the pancreas into the mixture that held her, neutralizing the pain of acid on what was left of her skin. But still, she continued to dissolve. Various enzymes (Lipase, Trypsin, and yet more Amylase) ate away at her lower half. As if that weren't enough, a gland spewed bile at her torso, which began digesting the peanut sticking out of her face. One million tiny, rusty needles seemed to pour into her body with no signs of mercy. She would cry, if her face were not unrecognizably deformed.

She kept her aching eyes facing forward, and gently tried to escape in one last attempt to live. She was getting weaker and weaker by the second, and she could feel the nutrients being sucked from her almost-dead form. She was white and dry within a few minutes, and fell asleep again from exhaustion.

It was six hours later that Ms. Andem woke up to find her pale and nutrient-less body being thrusted into the large intestine. She tried to whisper "No more… no more…" but her voice was long gone, along with the rest of her. All that remained was a it of her peanut spine, a piece of shell stabbed in her head like a shard of broken glass, and a disfigured pair of eyes staring off into space. Nothing was worth this. Nothing.

And yet it wasn't over. Without warning, the remaining moisture was hauled away from her M&M body.

The brittle, still-living chunk of Ms. Andem slid through meters and meters of tubing, until she uttered with her final bit of energy, seconds from freedom:

"I'm coming for you, God. I'm coming, you sick, dirty little rat…"

Death slipped its bony fingers around her shoulders, and the tale of Ms. Andem concluded with a plop into filthy water.

"Good job, Bobby! You made a poopie!"


Author's Note: This tale was meant to explain the digestive system of human beings in the eyes of an M&M. This isn't simply a freak occurence; It was written in an attempt for us to stop and think about what millions of M&Ms go through every day. Hopefully, this tale has entertained and intrigued you, and has maybe even taught you a valuable lesson... CHEW YOUR FOOD.