The street-light reflected itself on the wet pavement and trampled autumn leaves, letting everyone know that the persistant autumn still hadn't left us yet, and making that point stronger with the hard squalls and down-pouring rain. Sound of my feet, running, echoing through the silence of the street.
Shain's voice wouldn't leave my head.
A vagrant yelled something after me as I ran, they always did. We punks, as they called us. They knew what we did at night, though not a word was ever uttered to anyone. It didn't matter, because we who did this did not care at all about what would happen to us. My life was nothing.
"She...did it. I told you she would. I told you...!!!" Fucking bitch.
Only he mattered now, not me, not them. Only him.
The road didn't seem to end. I was soon out of breath, and leaned against a wall, panting, trying to think straight. What to do? It was hard to gather my thoughts.
"The door was locked...It's all my fault, isn't it?" "No", I'd wanted to say, but no words came. "No", I whispered to myself now. I grasped my hair, pulling, as if I could pull out the migraine, his words, the echoes, out of my head.
"...Why did I do this? Do you know that? I don't know it myself. It's like I couldn't stop it, you know, as if...I couldn't stop what was happening, as if it wasn't me! As if...I don't know..." Silence. And then: "Beep, beep, beep..."
"Fuck you, Shain!" I made up thousands of plans about what to do to him when I got him, what to say, how to make him apologize, how to make him cry and beg, how to make him bleed! And it was all my fault, wasn't it? No! It was hers! Why did she had to be this way? I hated people like her. I wanted to kill her. But what did that matter now that she was dead anyway? Other than she'd taken the satisfaction in the act from me? Because I knew that I'd lost anyway. I'd lost this fight to her.
I walked as fast as I could, still not being able to breathe steadily. And there Shain was, looking at me from under his fringe. Standing in the downpouring rain, wet, as if he'd ran out without putting coat or shoes on, and he wasn't wearing neither coat or shoes. Only a pair of jeans a soaked white shirt, revealing his small chest.
"Shain...", I started, but couldn't continue, I had no words, I wasn't prepared for this. My own voice sounded so loud in my ears. He leaned against me, quietly, as if he couldn't stand on his own. The hands on my shoulders felt like ice. He slowly raised his head, his face completely void of emotion, an empty shell, nothing. Not giving away all that he'd felt before, and something told me those feelings were gone now. But my feelings for him would not disappear, because he was there, still, looking at me with those innocent, yet empty eyes. I wanted to disappear too, like him, into oblivion.
No tears. No pain. No feelings whatsoever in him. Was it only me who ached? Was it only my heart shattering into pieces?
He was more beautiful than ever. Standing before me. His hair blowing in the wind. He was beautiful the way only sorrow can make people become.
Blood on his hands and clothes, from touching her. Blood on his lips, from kissing her. Blood on his face, getting washed away with the rain. Blood around his bare feet, shining white and red on the black asfalt. Blood in his red-shot eyes. Blood in my mind, my vision blurring.
He slowly blinked, and smiled sadly. A sigh escaped his dry, cracked, red lips. He was shivering from the cold. So tired. I could feel it, he was tired, he wasn't there at all. I kissed those lips, holding him tightly, the taste of iron filling my mouth. I closed my eyes. Feeling him, his cold body, his warm breath, but he held no feelings. He held no feelings at all, not for me, not for her. Not even disappointment. And how I'd wanted him to feel for me now. Now that I finally knew, knew how much I ached for him, and couldn't stand him being so arrogant, insulting my whole being.
Shains breath came in fast, short pantings, his green eyes wide, staring into mine, his pupils getting larger, his hands lifeless holding onto mine as I choked him slowly, whispering words of love and promising sweet death.