Monologue 'My Life'

(in bedroom, afternoon)

Why does mum have to keep everything to herself. Why didn't she tell me she was going back into hospital. She says it was just to change her medication, but i think it was something else but i don't know what. pause i wish she would be open with me i know she's not, i have told her lots of stuff about me.......even trusted her, but no she throws it back in my face.

looks away

she wants me to trust her tell her what's going on in my head but i can't. I can't let her in. I'm scared. Scared of my own mother. Scared she will hurt me

(angry)

why can't she see i want her to be my friend, why can't she see our relationship has to change like other teenagers relationships with parents.

Why can't she just be there when i need her. Why do i fear her.

(blackout)

(In bedroom late at night wearing cadet kit.)

Why does my life fall apart. Just found out that Debs has been in hospital for the past week following a suicide attempt. She has been off for the past 3 months.

I hate life!! I don't understand it. I don't know why??? sighs I'm confused. (head in hands) I know I should be there for Debs, but I don't know if I can. I know should be supportive but how can I when I feel it is life and history repeating itself just with a different person.

How can I knock down this wall i have built to stop anyone getting close.

starts to cry

(fade to black)

(In Mrs. K's office)

once again Mrs. K sorts out my life. I'm confused about my life and I'm the one who is meant to know what is going on in it. But i don't. My work is starting to slip. I have a lot of support here, i wish my friends understand, how can they when i don't even understand.

At least someone can talk me out of my irrational moments, or just listen when i need someone to talk to, someone who i can trust someone who can help.

I have to learn to trust something i should know by now.

(fade to black)

(in same bedroom as before)

why can't my friends just grow up. Use indoor voices. Stop swearing every other word. Why do they always moan about anything and everything. Why do they have to throw sweets at each other. Why can't they see that sometimes people need time and space to be on their own.

(fade to black)

(writing in the same bedroom)

this is the only way for me to express myself. I have to write it down. Cos that's the way i can reflect upon it and try to find out how i really felt.

I don't understand it why does everything come along at once. Why am i so angry at myself. Why can't life be easy. Why does everything have to some form of a test. A test of grit determination, of character, of relationships, of personal strength and the strength of your family. Why does everything have to be a fight. A battle for survival, survival of the fittest.

(fade to black as next line is said)

Why does it come down to your determination to live and make the most out of your life.

(in the bedroom)

Lies. Lies. Lies!!!!

that's all we've got. Lies. Just like mum. I can't take it anymore. Why does history have to repeat itself? Why do things happen over and over. Is it just the nature of depression? How can someone make up so many lies and remember all of them. They make one thick layer which is impossible to break. Could it be a safety net? Does she see how mush she is hurting people? Why lies? Does she want to be trusted?

Why has Debs lost all the will she had to get better and to become a functioning member of society. Mum has just about managed this mammoth task.

(Blackout)

(very dark bedroom. Only one light on, next to character)

AWOL! Absent With Out Leave! Seen this before. Many times before. Guess who with? You got it MUM!

Debs is threatening to kill herself again. She wants to self harm and jump off a building. What a painful way to die! But hay if she wants to do it she might as well get on with it, it would stop this roller coaster of a ride called life.

(fade to black)

(later on the same night)

Turned up at A&E so they could patch her up. No she didn't jump off a building! But she did get a chance to self-harm.

That's one way to be put back onto 1 on 1 that she hates.

(fade to black)

(in bedroom)

sarcastic What a surprise, she has been evicted again!!

normal So that's twice in as many years. Hhmmmm just like someone else we know.

Debs has been off work since November. She told us since January.

Debs has also told us she has applied for housing benefit, and it would be back dated, but guess what? She hasn't!!

(blackout)

(Mrs K's office)

I just need someone who can help. I get the feeling Pip doesn't listen to me. She "smiles and nods". I don't know what to do. I just want her to stop thinking about work all the time and think about our family.

Why does life have to be so complicated??

(fade to black)

(back in bedroom)

Why do i want to end it all? Quite college, quite everything.

What is the point of Life?

(blackout)

(in bedroom sat on the bed)

Why is it that i always seem to fall for someone i can't have. There are too many reasons. But her personality is amazing, she's beautiful, she is someone i would want to spend the rest of my life with. I trust her with my life. She listens and understands. I just want her in my life fully.

(fade to black)

(in bedroom sat on the bed)

i come home from a fun week away only to find Debs went AWOL again and attempted suicide. She is getting more and more like mum as the days go on. J has asked why hasn't been sectioned, the answer is i don't know. It would be best for her i think. She is a danger to herself.

It is strange how sometimes you can't trust yourself. Sometimes don't love yourself. Sometimes don't believe in yourself. Sometimes you can be a danger to yourself.

(fade to black)

(Mrs K's office)

For once it isn't because i need my head sorting. I just wanted to give Mrs K this poem which sums up IVC.

I've only been here a year,

yet it seems like a lifetime.

No matter when you start,

you feel right at home.

No matter where you come from.

France.

Germany.

Russia.

Poland.

Or any other wonderful place.

You are welcomed.

Welcomed with open arms.

If you have troubles,

just go upstairs,

find Mrs Kelsall or

good old Mrs Morton,

trust me they will help you out.

Here at IVC we are one huge family,

everyone knows of everyone.

If you need to cry on,

someone will be there.

If you need to be alone,

there's always somewhere quiet.

The changes have made me a stronger parson. But at the same time i just want out.

(blackout)

(in bedroom, in the dark)

Life likes falling apart. This time it is because I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do. I just want life to end. I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel like i can't trust myself. I don't even understand myself.

I hate myself.

I don't trust myself.

I don't know who i am.

(blackout)