Catharsis (n)- A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.
It's me, again. I know, I know, you've heard it all before, same old, same old, right? I'm sure you're sick of this, I'll bet all you ever hear is "help me!" and "forgive me!" You're probably ready to make us all do it ourselves. Please don't. I mean, what would happen to us without you? We're already halfway between here and Hades, my God, we'd be doomed.
I'm getting off topic again. I do that a lot, but you know that already. Half of what I say has nothing to do with the point I try to make.
I really screwed up this time, didn't I? For what it's worth, and that's not very much, I didn't mean it. You know, a moment's anger, a few seconds' worth of fury, I really didn't mean what I said, or what came of it.
I never meant it.
I was angry, you know. Like that guy said, "Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Well, he was right, wasn't he? I didn't mean it when I said I hated you for what you'd done.
In my defense, it's been a bad few months. Grandma died, so soon after Pa-paw, and what with my brother being the idiot that he is, and all this weather, I was worried sick about my cousin and my uncle, then all the work I've been doing… Then someone comes up to me and tells me that I'm "a lowly sinner who needs the Lord!"
Can you understand that? I'm not asking you to forgive me, I know I wouldn't forgive someone who told me to go screw myself and that they hated me for everything I'd done even if it was for the best. But maybe you can understand being overstressed and losing your temper. I mean, didn't Jesus lose his temper a couple of times? At the temple where the tax collectors were, when he told them to get out, right?
I know that these messes will all work out someday; they have to! But it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm in the right tunnel. Can you understand despair? It's getting more and more difficult to remember why I'm fighting so hard to hold onto these beliefs when no one else is, and I don't want to give up, but…
My God, fighting is taking so much out of me.
You know me, God, you know I've got an analytical mind. I have to see not only that things work, but also how they work. I have to know things. It isn't enough for me to see that the world is, I have to know what makes it turn, what makes it orbit the sun, what makes it livable for us. It's tempting, God, it really is, to just let science convince me that there's no room for a God in the Periodic Table of Elements.
Maybe I'm frustrated. Maybe that, with all the stress I've been under, is why I told you to go screw yourself.
You know, it's sort of funny. The way I've been handling things lately, it's almost like I told you to leave me alone a few months ago, and this is how my life would be without the influence of any higher power.
I've got a funny feeling that it'll keep sucking, until I swallow my pride and just say I'm sorry. Easier said than done, right? From where I'm standing, my pride seems to be all I've got left. Interesting, huh? The one thing I'm clinging to above all else happens to be one of the seven deadly sins.
But how deadly are they? I mean, I've never seen a verse in the Bible that mentions them, so are they really deadly or is that just an accepted "fact"?
I'm getting off topic, yet again.
As I said earlier, I'm not asking for forgiveness, that's a bit too much to ask, I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I'm trying hard, really I am, but nothing ever seems quite good enough. It's funny, I can almost hear you telling me that it's because I'm trying to do it all myself.
I'm not trying to be belligerent, but I've spent most of my life trying to be independent, and it's extremely difficult for me to imagine giving up control over something as important as my life. I'm like the idiot teenager who runs away from home because they believe they can do it all without their parent's help. I've got to try.
Or am I like the four-year-old who claims they're going to run away and, halfway down the street, goes flying back into Mommy's arms?
It's a little hard, you know? I want, more than anything else, to be happy and I've got this notion that I can do it all myself, so I'll never get what I really want. Maybe I've got to come to terms with the knowledge that "do-it-yourself" projects never work before I can say I'm sorry.
Can you understand that? I'm still lost in the woods, you know, and I'm hoping that the bears don't eat me before I find my way. Yes, yes, I know that if I just shot up a flare and asked for help, I'd get it, but I'm stubborn and proud.
I'm halfway between here and Hades, God. And, for what it's worth, though it isn't much, I never meant to go this far down the wrong path.
Can you understand being misdirected?
I'm trying to find my own way, and I know that I'll have to ask for help or freeze in some cave, but I'm putting it off for as long as I can, I don't want to have to admit that I've been doing it wrong for all this time. It's a daunting thought, that nothing I've done up to this point has been right, you know.
Can you wait by the edge of the forest for me, God? If I don't come back by nightfall, will you come and find me? If I send up my signal flare, if I scream and cry and call out to you, will you save me? Will you catch me if I fall out of a tree or off a cliff?
I really screwed up this time, didn't I?
For what it's worth, I didn't mean to.
All my love,