It had all started with the email from Nigeria really. It had seemed so earnest - just begging him to help so they could move their money out of the country. How could he ever not help them when they'd been treated so badly? Espiecially when he was offered such a large share of the money to do so...

So he'd replied, and he'd obediantly followed the instructions given. They seemed like such nice people, and he hoped they really did manage to rebuild their religion with the money they got out, as they had assured him they were trying to do.

He certainly intended to enjoy his share. There was such a lot on the internet that you could invest in - and you never had to look further than your own inbox. Within days he'd ensured that he'd never have to work again by spending just a little money to learn the forbidden secrets of the Ebay professionals. Just as it had promised, his Paypal account was soon in the thousands. Even should the money from Nigeria somehow run out, he'd always have that to fall back on.

And then of course it was time to start spending for pleasure. He'd never had much luck with girls - something about not having well-developed social skills. But now, not only did his inbox promise unlimited porn of every type imaginable, but it allowed him to purchase the world's smallest digital camera. He'd been unable to stop himself grinning with delight the day he'd got it, and had quickly amused himself with some harmless entertainment by using it to look up girls skirts.

There was more of course. Holidays to the Bahamas, free cable TV, legal herbal drugs that had all the good effects of real ones - the internet offered every kind of delight if only you were daring enough to buy it.

But soon he wanted more. Unlimited amounts of money, holidays around the world and porn were all very well, but what about a meraningful relationship? Could the internet give him that?

Perhaps so. A look through his mail revealed many different types of ways to lose weight, from pills to simple patches. Hastily he sent his money through, and soon the weight dropped off him.

Girls still didn't seem interested though. Oh, they liked his money enough, but for some reason most of them reacted badly when he couldn't stay out more than half an hour in case someone sent him an exciting opportunity by mail and he missed it. And none of them seemed as excited about his digital camera as he was.

So, it was back to mail-checking - and he was in luck! It seemed you could even acquire wives through the internet. An email promised him a beautiful Russian lady for what seemed to be really very little money when you considered they would surely be together forever.

Off went the money, and even this arrived on time. He was there when she arrived at the airport, and met her as she stepped off the plane. He endured the time before the wedding, and indeed the wedding itself in nervous fits of anticipation just waiting for the first night of their honeymoon. He had prepared so long for this moment - he was confident he was ready.

But there spam for the first time betrayed him. For despite what all the adverts may tell you, there's really very little you can do with a two foot long penis.